New beginnings

There's been a funny mix of events over the last few months. In no particular order:

1) I fell head over heels in love with a vanilla man who I met on-line. Who had charm and charisma and who liked stockings as much as I did. But it turns out that he wasn't in love with me. He was clinically depressed - he didn't even love himself - so how could he love me. We fucked, we laughed, we drank. We went to Barcelona and I told him I needed reassurance which was the beginning of the end. He couldn't give me any commitment or even any indication how he felt. And I was devastated when he finished with me in October. I cried for what could have been. I cried because I'd put my heart on my sleeve and fallen in love. I cried with humiliating agony because I couldn't have him. But that's done. And there's no more to say about it. We've met since, as friends, and I think I would still go for it again. But it's not going to happen.

2) I went through a series of experiences that shaped the future of my life. They included: meeting a sadistic, twisted bastard in order to be beaten. Who, by his own admission, I took to the 'edge'. The words "for several seconds I could have plunged that knife into your heart" will stay with me forever. He was wonderful. I was wanton.

3) I was fucked. Right royally fucked. By K, by R, by S, by C, by G. In a threesome situation. Out dogging (with M).

4) I was scarred and beaten and scared. By someone who should have known better. By someone who I trusted with my life but who went too far and who scared me too much and who didn't stop when I asked.

5) I played with a lady who I have the utmost admiration for. Who is beautiful and intelligent and horny. It was non sexual but it was incredibly erotic. She licked away my tears.

6) I was told I was an unfit mother. I entered counselling. I made amends. I stepped back from the precipice.

7) I got back in touch with my daddy and broke his heart for a second time. We played - with needles, knives and staples - our old routine of pain and pleasure. But still his age, his body, the way he kisses made me recoil in disgust. I hurt him. Again. And I apologised. Again. But he is not what I am looking for.

8) I flirted online - vanilla and on IC. I flirted with a man with whom I knew little but who I wanted to know lots. We met. We clicked. We kissed. We went to the woods and played with a red strap and with our minds and our bodies. And he left me feeling exhilarated. I pissed myself for him. And photographed the evidence. A first but hopefully not the last. He has named me - rien - meaning nothing. I hope I can prove myself to be something for him.

9) I had my clit hood pierced.

10) I went out on New Year's Eve to show off with needles holding black swan feathers to my back. In a new red and black latex dress. It was fun. But nothing more.

11) I cried in fear for the first time. Hot body-shaking sobs as my best friend pushed me just a little too far.

12) I took a good long look at my life. In six months I have 'done' most of the debauched sexual things I have been craving yet still I have felt something was missing. Sex is fun and being wanton is exhilarating. Yet doing it without someone by my side - someone that understands deep down what it is that makes me who I am means it's all rather hollow. And shallow.

Resolution:
to be the best I can be - in business, in parenthood, in friendship
to fall in love with the right person
to explore, in a safe and sane way, my desires and my needs and in turn, to be the catalyst to his desires and needs.