Christmas present

Ponder. What has made this Christmas so much better than the last few I have had?

And the answer is completeness, a sense of security, no sense of insecurity plus fulfillment.

A mad week really - I have seen you twice (hurrah!), driven about 500 miles, completed every task put my way plus come out the end of it smiling. Weary smile perhaps tonight but a definite smile.

Last year I was a defensive, uncharming, scratchy bundle of grump. This year I can truly say I am happy.

We spent another wonderful 48 hours together. Just being - normality - food, films, hugs and giggles. And boy did it feel good.

We spent some time exploring each other. To be woken up by your big hand on the back of my head guiding me down to your cock was just PERFECT. Not that I hadn't been awake and checking the clock for the previous hour (you had asked me to wake at 8am and bring you coffee and instinctively I woke at 6.30am.......)

When we are doing nothing in each other's company but being - that is when I feel the connection most strongly. It is always there - from you stroking my head as I sit at your feet through a twist of hands in the cinema. I'm yours and I love it!

Boy did I have some orgasms this morning. MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. And the combination of trying to enjoy while being in pain from the pegs was interesting - I couldn't actually quite get past the pain to enjoy the pleasure although I tried, I really did. It absolutely totally felt like you were playing with me today - just playing, seeing what response you got, tweaking this, pulling that - just playing. Lovely. As soon as you removed the source of pain, it was easy to let go and whatever you were doing with your mouth and tongue certainly tipped me over the edge. As ever, the magic wand worked its unique blend of "oh my god" and "STOP" and "DON'T WHATEVER YOU DO STOP NOW" A chuckle from you, another orgasm from me. Thank you so much.

I love you.

I love how contented you have made me feel - not just in your presence but in the wider context too. I can get on and do stuff I find hard because in the background, ever present, is your calm, encouraging influence that just makes me hum with pleasure and pride.

Thank you for everything.

xxxx

PS I know I cooked the chopping board and damaged the work surface. Blame clumsiness cos of time of the month. Apologies x

Yours

PS

That picture there -----> will never be the same again. No more blank space at the top of the hold-up! xxx

Grin

I'm still taking it all in. Like I usually do when I get back from a weekend with you but this time it's different.

You bought me a collar. And a tattoo. Wow.

I'd hoped that you might buy me a collar but I wasn't expecting it at all. So when you told me on Saturday evening to close my eyes and hold up my hair, my heart was beating so fast. It's so beautiful and I want to wear it all the time. It signifies that I am yours and I understand that significance although I wouldn't for one moment have hoped that it would be forthcoming. I know it's a play collar, I know that you loved it because you thought I'd look good in it (you were SO right) but for such a simple bit of leather and metal it means so much to me. My first collar. Rephrase - my only collar. Thank you.

And the tattoo. Wow. Wow again. Designed in your mind, drawn by us both. So simple and yet so perfect. For fear of sounding cheesy (no - really Sarah?!) you are the wind beneath my wings. That protection and love I felt last night as I was so sleepy in your bed is repeated again and again every time I look at it, feel it, remember it underneath my clothes. It's my symbol but it's also our symbol - no, your symbol because you have given me strength, and you have made me believe again. Strength. Powerful stuff eh?

You said to me tonight "there were so many things I wanted to do to you this weekend" but the reality was, you did more that I could have imagined.

The end of the year draws closer. What a year. Turbulent at times, destructive at times but on reflection, the best year of my entire life.

Thank you daddy for everything xxx

Bird

We did it! Actually you did it - thank you so much xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Loved the whole experience - from random chat about golf, to you stroking my back as we waited through to you being there and holding my hair as the tattoo man got down to his work. And it really is even better than I hoped!

Bird - freedom, soaring, upwards. Add 'you give me wings' and it's just perfect.

Yay!

xxx

I've been bad daddy....

....but good as well. I worked really hard today, ticked off things on my to do list, spoke to clients, moved monkeys (that's tasks to you and me) from pending to complete. And then I watched some porn. Actually, unlike me, just vanilla porn. Hard fucking mostly.

So then I needed a shower and I really really needed to cum.

I had a long, warm, lovely shower. Washed my hair, felt your marks on my bottom, scrubbed all over, deliberately making myself wait before turning the shower head on my pussy (your cunt). But when I did it was instantaneous relief - the water dripping over my pussy made me think of how hot it would be for you to piss on me.

The temperature I kept deliberately low - it was almost painfully cold as I played with the water across my clit. I pushed a shampoo bottle inside me as I continued aiming the shower across my clit. I leant my head against the wall - cold tiles giving me a headache - and braced my knees against the edge of the bath. And then the pressure dropped. Normally this would just give me frustration but today, as I concentrated on everything that you have ever whispered in my ear "who's a wet slut then?" and "good girl" and "mine" my brain just took over and I came. No pressure at all - just a little trickle of water running down my pussy as I felt the orgasm wash over me. Relief. Pleasure. Guilt. Memories. Warm flush up my chest. Just a little orgasm really - nothing like when you are inside me or you are holding me still as you fuck me with your hand or you are using the wand on me. But it was what went beneath and above it - what was going on in my head - that actually made it good.

Thank you daddy xxx

Oh, what a perfect day, I'm glad I spent it with you xxx

And then there was more....

"I haven't finished with you yet" you said after you had untied the ropes. And inside I was hoping for a beating because you had said you wanted to do that ....

And then I was face down on the bed, bracing my knees against the mattress, mouth open, hands clenched in front of my eyes waiting for the first strike to land. But you were gentle, just tap tap tap with a cane on my arse before a proper swing - lights floated in front of my closed eyes, my head pounded as I realised I hadn't been breathing. I had to lie still. I had to concentrate on not flinching, moving, wriggling or swearing. I think I just about managed but not all four together. Thuddy cane, whippy cane, in between nails scratched down my back. And at some point the knife again - feeling a swirl (could it be a 'D'? please let it be a 'D') and the warm coolness of the blade.

Spanking, scratching, caning. It started to hurt but I also never wanted it to stop.

Then the flogger. Gentle licks with the leather but suddenly force and intensity as well. I felt like the air was being pushed out of my lungs as I stretched out further, hands above my head, mouth chewing duvet to stop myself from screaming. Strange noises too - deep animal noises I made.

At one point you felt between my legs "how wet is my slut" and it felt absolutely amazing as you held me with one finger deep inside and I just wanted to stay like that forever. You got to my core - my head, my pussy - absolutely deep inside me in that one movement.

Chronological problems again - there was much spanking and scratching and maybe some more caning and flogging and it all melted into one as suddenly I just had to move and to curl up and to surrender. So frustrating - as soon as it finished I wanted more. You did say "just once more" which was great as I could focus on just once more. Although obviously it wasn't just once more but it gave me much needed respite so thank you.

As with every single time we have played, you know exactly when to stop, start and what to do. And then I was on my back, you sat on the edge of the bed, strong arm around my waist as you played and played with my clit against the magic wand. I know I love writing but there is nothing that explains what an amazing sensation this is. You are controlling my orgasm, the orgasm that has been building for so many days so that when it finally comes, it is a whole body, entire head feeling and not just the pithy little quiver that I have experienced for so long. Ok, so you crossed the line again (!) when you didn't take the wand away from my clit and just kept it there so that I melted into a wave of post orgasmic, pre orgasmic plateau blah blah blah head spinning, too too much pleasure. Thank you.

And your smile and your chuckle when i finally pushed the machine away. I wanted a cuddle and a kiss. You were there.

Then there were chips in bed! And dramas with radiators. And it took me about 2 hours to stop feeling floaty and to feel like I could speak again. So we went to bed to watch a film. I love you so much. But I wanted you to know that so I started being a little bit tarty, running my hands over you and just as I was about to go down and start concentrating on your cock you said "I want you to suck it and make it hard" and i did. I so wanted to feel you inside me but I also wanted to give you as much of a mind-blowing session as you had given me so I resisted.

Feeling you cum over my face, neck and tits and having you rub it in ranks up there with the best of the experiences. Such a simple act but so so powerful and amazing. And I felt like your slut. And I still feel like your slut and look forward to lots more moments.

I slept so well on Sunday night. Better than i have for ages.

You are amazing. I love you xxx

UPDATE (from what you have told me)
So it was clothes pegs coming off that caused that immense pain
You did actually drink my blood
You did cut two 'D' shapes into me - left hip at the front and on my bottom
The needles went in below the nipple and straight through - one in each

Lessons?
Patience
Determination
Not letting things overwhelm me
Utter trust

You did what to me?

Sunday evening
Still obviously completely not with it, head still somewhere circling above Heathrow (also unable to type - just took me 4 tries at Heathrow......), grin stopping me speaking properly, tummy happy with chips and toast.

So I feel like I have been waiting a bit. I know, i know - no patience mrs - but I have. Waiting for you to look at me with that knowing, strong brown eyed glance. And then it happened - evening of Sunday 'go upstairs, clean your teeth and freshen up'. Just enough words to send a little frisson of excitement through me. Like earlier when you asked me to carry your canes upstairs. Little little things - huge huge excitement. But i have really enjoyed the other bits too (before I go any further - just sitting by you with your hand on my head, on my face, is enough to bring me back so quickly).

Monday Morning
What did you do this weekend then S? Anything exciting?

Well, I got tied up, cut, had needles put in me, spanked, flogged, caned, scratched, allowed to orgasm a few times, had my blood drunk and my face covered in cum. And I was loved, adored and looked after. And given chips!!!! Yay. A fab weekend really. How was yours?

Monday Afternoon
What an amazing couple of hours you magicked up for me. We played! And it was fun and there was blood and swearing and everything. And in that couple of hours I became even more yours. Is this possible? Every time I write I say "I feel this is deeper/more intense etc" but it's true. Every little and large thing that we do together weaves us a little bit tighter.

Was worried that my presence for effectively 3 days now might have been a bit hard for you but i hope I have fitted in ok?

Anyway, back to the matter in hand. I really want to write down what happened and how I felt but my brain is jumping around like a butterfly - it was all amazing, you were amazing, we were amazing. And there was blood!!

You tied me with black and red rope (although I couldn't see it because I was blindfolded). Arms to my sides, legs together, rope rubbing my clit. Great very secure feeling being tied up but also incredibly vulnerable. And when you pushed me backwards, I'm not sure you realised (or perhaps you did?) that I didn't realise I was near the bed so thought I was about to end up on the floor.

And so I was lying on the bed, legs just hanging over as I could hear you foraging for things. Suddenly I felt the cold, wonderful steel of the knife on the bits of my body that weren't covered by rope - my front this time. It went through my mind that you might cut me (on purpose, planned) so I was waiting for that icy heat when you use the knife to make your mark. But it didn't come. Instead you asked me to stay completely still, I heard the door go and you had left the room.

Thoughts - swirling, confused, anxious, excited, horny thoughts. Were you going to expose me to someone else? Were you going to leave me and go downstairs? Heart beating, fingers clenching moment. One minute perhaps but felt much longer.

And then you were back and my nipples were getting so much attention. You have made them so sensitive with all your touch that as soon as I felt your fingers, I felt them stiffen. I thought you had the knife in your hand so I concentrated on staying still but this was different. I thought you were cutting into and around my nipple - warmth of pain certainly but different to anything else you have done to me before. When you moved onto the second nipple and asked me to breathe deeply, the penny dropped. You had needles in your hand and not a knife. I think I whimpered. I definitely asked you what you were doing and you removed the blindfold momentarily. As I was lying down, the bright lights in my eyes, I actually took a moment to focus and all I could see where the points of the needles facing my face. Straight through my nipples. One in each. Wow. And woah there. And oh my god we hadn't talked about needles before.

But I didn't have time to worry as you had me blindfolded again and now I was anxious not to move or wriggle at all so I lay still as you played with my nipples. Then searing, blinding, excrutiating, horrendous, worse than I have ever encountered before pain in my nipples. At the time I didn't know what you were doing - whether this was something starting or something finishing, was this the pain when the needles were removed. I had no idea. But you told me to focus and you gave me your finger to suck and that was the most comforting thing in the world and I thought I am going to get through this because it is an incredible feeling to be here with the man that I love, letting you, allowing you and wanting you to do these things to me because I am yours.

Then you stood me up and took the blindfold off and I looked in the mirror and my eye was drawn to the blood on my hip, the drips of blood coming from my nipples and I put my hand up to collect it. And there was an amazing contrast between the black and red rope, my skin, the blood, your hands on my shoulders, my mouth. I took it all in and then just hit cloud 9! Amazing feeling as we sat and hugged and talked and I thought - can this get any better?

Thank you xxx

The Return

I'm so relaxed and chilled this morning although I have a headache.

This time yesterday my head was crowded, I was distressed, upset, worried, panicky and unsure.

What changed?

Being in my daddy's arms again of course.

So really all that happened was a big, long, huge, lying down, in bed, naked hug. But in reality what happened was you said, without words, "I'm proud of you, we will get through this, I love and adore and want you, you are mine" You interspersed tenderness with talons and twisting, holding me tight throughout. I could clear my head almost immediately as your big strong hands took my face, throat, nipples, arse and back as their own.

I texted you on Wednesday night to say I just wanted to be under your hands and that is exactly what you did for me last night. Practical "it will be okay" type conversations didn't need to happen - what needed to happen was abandon and once again, you absolutely made that happen for me.

You amaze me. I said last night that it felt like my head was fizzing - if you can imagine an effervescent vitamin c tablet dissolving in a glass of water, that was me. Everything was tingling.

Thank you daddy xxxxxx

My second love - music

Marco V - Second Bite (stunning loudly in the car in the country lanes)

First verse - you and me xxxx

Got that feeling inside
like fire that will never stop
as the clocks run down
got to show me what you want

Move move move a little tighter
Think think think a little sharper
Breath breath breath a little faster
Can you catch yourself

Told you once, told you twice
anywhere, anynight,
told you once, told you twice
anywhere, everynight
tell you once, tell you twice
coming for a second bite

Pace, Boredom, Fatigue

I sometimes wonder (okay worry) that you will tire of me, of play, of the B and the S bit of BDSM. It's not like this is new for you - you must have 'done stuff' a million times before where of course it is all so so new to me that it is still tinged with a lot of magic. You talk about response and of pace and I understand how you measure both so as not to send me running for cover with cushions and fear. But from my perspective, I want you to be happy, to be loving all of this as much as me, to want to see where we can go and what we can do, experience, understand and feel.

I have no worries about how you feel about me (HUGE GRIN)

I have no concerns that we are utterly and totally compatible. (HUGER GRIN STILL)

My wobble stems from the fear that you will start going through the motions just to please me and I never want that.

Part of me wants to run a marathon before I can barely crawl. That'll be my impatient side then......But I also know that you are holding me tight so I don't fall, falter, fail or flail.

I always want you to be honest with me so that if you feel like, you know, it's just becoming routine and you can do it with your eyes closed and you're not feeling it deep in your chest like I am, then you can and must tell me.

Not sure why I am worried really as I understand that you for you, the pleasure comes not only from inflicting (good) pain but also (and more importantly) from watching me grow and develop. This is the real D/s - the confidence you bestow in me to go out there and achieve and be what you believe I can be. But there is also the hitty, restraint, play, pleasure, pain, challenge side that I love and I want to be sure you do too.

Crumbs. Talk about separation anxiety......

xxxx

McSlut

You give me wings. GRIN x

I never want this to fade.

xxx

Are we human

or are we dancer? Yes, I know, my favourite Killers song again.

Things I learned over the past 4 days:

1) The most comfortable I have ever felt is when we are quiet together, just lying in each other's arms
2) There are a hundred million squillion 'forms' of D/s (but clearly what we have is the best!)
3) The cold steel of a knife, followed by the crackly sparks of the violet wand, followed by finger nails, a flogger and the best hug in the world really does transcend what I have ever experienced before. Even just the pressure of your hand on my neck as you make a tartan pattern on my back just sends me straight over the edge. A hundred pints or a bag full of drugs doesn't even come close to the natural high of being your slut.
4) The new tartan that you have developed shall henceforth be called McSlut (although that sounds slightly like something that might come from a kinky McDonalds.......!)
5) Other people's play is just fascinating - tasks in a local pub, a quick spank near a pool table, bravery from a certain person, belly laughs of embarrassment and kudos, the sight of somebody's body and a collar over dinner, shock and inquisitiveness at the sight of cut flesh, intensity of snatched conversation, dynamics of couples - all brilliant to observe and to be part of
6) Inflatable beds and you and me don't get on
7) The absolutely amazingness of you being inside me and the almost spontaneous need to cum immediately (by me and also by you)
8) Having my nipples played with, twisted, turned, pulled, abused and grappled with makes me extremely, extraordinarily wet
9) Your happy, mouth closed, eyes closed smile which speaks volumes
10) I love you. Okay, so I didn't learn that over the past 4 days but it shouts itself every time you take my hand, hold my head to your chest or stroke my face
11) I really want you to draw my blood

So to answer the question? We are most certainly human but what an incredible enriching dance we are participating in.


xxx

He takes me to places....

....I've never been before. Like Tesco in Salisbury.

Am I the luckiest girl in the world?!

Once again I sit at my laptop, smile running through my entire body, weary, missing you, happy to have shared some time together, back tingling from the knives/shower combo, proud of you and your brilliance. This time it feels even more intense, like every hour that we spend together brings us closer together, ever more comfortable in each other's presence (I didn't think that possible) and in the most lovely, chilled, slight come-down headspace.

I cannot imagine now, a few weeks into 'us' that there was a time before I felt this incredibly alive. Things that have gone before (relationships, sex, drunken debauchery) just look like withered leaves in the face of how I feel at the moment. There is no going back - not that I for one millisecond want to return to my anxious, frustrated, selfish, self-gratifying existence - because now I am looking forward. Looking forward to so much - business, family, life. All with a renewed self-confidence, an inner peace because what we have fulfills me so much.

Thank you for sharing your friends and your pleasures with me.

I love you daddy xxx

PS bird :-)

I'm Yours

"I know that" you say to yourself. "What's she on about now?"

Well, I've just had a wank. No, actually I have just tried to have a wank. Shower head, warm water, usual perfect set-up. But nothing. Not even a tingle. Not even a "mmm, that's the right place", legs aquiver moment. Nothing. Nada. Zip.

And you know why don't you? Firstly, because now my pleasure is inextricably tied up with your pleasure and with you. Secondly because, however much I rail against it, it looks like pain has become part of my pleasure. And thirdly because without you, your permission and your presence, there ain't really much to wank about is there?

So there you have it. I'm yours.

xxx

PPS

Just received a text from the aforementioned Charlie (and he is proving himself so to be...) "If I pay Him, can I use you?"

Tsk.

x

PS

Total heart flip the other day when you said "there'll be fewer jeans days from now on" Boy that made me hot. And annoyed. And content.

x

This is David

I don't want to say it - not because I am not proud or want to shout it from the rooftops - just that I don't want it scrutinised.

What we have is so much more than what the outside world could see or understand.

I love the secretness, the you and me club, the taboo of what we do together and that's what makes it even hotter for me. It's naughty, it's 'socially unacceptable', it's deviant, it's dirty and it is ours. Ours to do with exactly what we want - our time to be self indulgent and to regress (me) and to progress (you and me).

I want it to always feel wrong because that is exactly what makes it feel right.

Okay but who knows about us?
Alister - vanilla with D/s leanings - a good friend and someone who I can and do share 'stuff' with. No judgement just understanding.

My sister - 100% open and understanding and loving. A great source of entertainment, support and love.

Charlie - my deviant friend. Who wanted to give me a gang bang for my birthday because I'm been banging (ha ha) on about this for about a million years. Who, when I told him I was loved up and happy was pleased for me in a bit of a sulky "oh, what about me" way so I told him to speak to you........(obviously I haven't actually given him your number but it was fantastic saying it. First time I have deferred my thoughts, wants and desires - my life- to you.)

And that's it. So there won't be much of an opportunity for a "And this is David" type conversation because those that know know. And those that don't absolutely don't need to.

I love being your baby girl. I love being your friend. But most of all I love being a dirty little secret right now.

xxx

Cold out innit

It really is freezing cold - biting wind, driving rain, grey and heavy skies. Winter is absolutely here and the three jumpers I am wearing testify to that. No heating on in the day though - keep those costs down......

But how warm am I inside? I'm busy and productive and every so often (well, let's say every 5 minutes) a little thought crosses my mind and I think of you. About the protection I feel from you and the love. It's a great stress reliever and a constant source of pleasure 'cos I know you are thinking about me too. You're proud of me, you're thinking about me, you're enjoying what we have.

Suffice to say, I think about you just about every waking minute really. Hope you are okay, hope your day is going the way you need and want it to, that you are happy, warm, not hungry, not worried about anything. That calm benevolent smile you give me when you catch me looking at you from underneath my eye-lashes - that is how I think of you. I know things are a bit RAAAAAARRRRR at the moment and I thank you even more therefore for looking out for me and for giving me a "x" text just 'cos you want to.

Protection, love, understanding, respect and FILTH. What girl could ask for more?

Thank you daddy xxx

Rememberance Day

Like I'm going to forget.

xxx

Instruments of pleasure

Voice

Knife

Hands

Fingers

Cane

Cock

Cunt

But the strongest and bestest of all? Your mind.

xxx

Real Life

As I'm at home, pottering about the house, doing the ironing, tidying up, just being me I do dream a little about real life. About how lovely it would be to meet a nice chap in my circle of friends, to do things together as a couple, to be proud of his endeavours, to support him through his woes.

But even as I dream I also know that I have had this - not once, but twice and neither time did it work for me.

Writing this makes me feel really introspective but I do have a permanent see-saw of emotion going through my head. NORMAL it shrieks - just be NORMAL. But what is normal? And why, after 34 years of being normal, have I still not got anywhere?

I'm following my heart at the moment and giving my head a well-earned day off. And enjoying things because they feel right and they make my heart sing.

You said last night "We're going to take a lot of flak" for this. It's something I've thought about for a while too but I don't want to take flak because I don't want to have to explain it. It's too personal to me and to you to dilute it by explaining it away. But in the same breath, I also don't want to "put it out there" to be examined by anyone out of the lifestyle at the moment. Because I just don't want to. I know you understand. You feel the same way really don't you?

And in the meantime I'll continue to potter and think about Mr John Smith and unfulfilling sex and unfulfilling conversations and remember why it is that I love you xxx

Nails

As you raked your nails down my back I ached for you to touch my cunt

As you grabbed handfuls of my arse and pinched my flesh I ached for you to touch my cunt

As you bit my neck I ached for you to touch my cunt

As you held my arms still so you could slap my pussy I still ached for you to touch my cunt

And then you gave me release - sweet sweet orgasms, built up from the night before and the morning just spent

And then I wanted you to rake your nails down my back

Why am I never satisfied? :-) (actually I was - very satisfied, very melty) Thank you xxx

PS

I know that I drink too much, I seek solace in altering my mind. But now that I understand a little more about submission, I also understand a lot more about my needs. I'm changing and it is all thanks to you.

xxx

Hedonism

I know I am capable of just doing things because they feel good, because they give me instant gratification. You sussed me on that one really quickly!

Last night was a case in point and I thought about you loads. I thought about whether you would approve, understand, give me my head to just go crazy for 12 hours. And you did. No judgement - just sound advice and support (and care and love).

Wow. The only word I can honestly think of to describe you at the moment. I feel like I am yours and that when we are together, nothing else matters. The world could stop rotating and as long as I was with you then it really wouldn't matter.

Last night was a mental one - raving, drugs, sweaty 20 year olds, fit bodies everywhere, everyone joined in a sense of elation at the music (and the drugs). But throughout I thought of you and how I could make sure I pleased you and make sure I made you proud.

I love that you understand this need within me. I love that you look at my life and realise I need some 'down time'. I feel more controlled in this down time than ever before. It is not a means to an end - an oblivion to block out the bad stuff (which is what it used to be). This time it was just pure pleasure and you understand this. No, I'm not going to turn into a raver babe in lycra (I hardly have the figure or the age for it!!!!!) it was just simply a way of letting off steam with good friends in a good space.

Throughout the evening, through the peaks and the troughs of the high, I thought about you. I thought about us lying together, just enjoying each other's company - nothing more. No scenes, no play - just two minds connected. And it made last night even more special. Because throughout I felt loved. I felt able to let go of the real world because I knew that you were thinking about me and worrying about me. Someone else to share with. An amazing feeling.

As ever, thank you daddy for everything.

xxx

I need....nothing

I need nothing more than what I have with you.

You make love to my mind, you envelop my body and soul. It's an amazing totally natural feeling.

I'm living. Life is not a dress rehearsal - overused phrase, cliched perhaps, but relevant here and true.

You've opened up my spirit without crushing it. I don't have to pretend with you. I can just be.

Happy words:

"I want you to be the best you can be."

"You're going to make daddy cum"

"Good girl"

"I'm really enjoying you"

xxxxxxxxxx

I need.....

or is it just "I Want" but right now it feels like I need to be taken. I really have an overwhelming desire for rough, animalistic, nameless, faceless, wanton sex. But, and this is the killer/the crux, not with you. I almost feel like I want you to be there as I am taken by somebody else. The idea that you are in my mind while somebody else is in my body.

I could quite easily call one of five people I know and within the hour have sex. But that is 15 steps back and I don't even want that thought to flit across the neurons. I have an ache though. You know this already because you have my mind.

I haven't had a wank since I returned home. I haven't wanted that sexual release but these dark thoughts of being used just won't go away. I need your help on this but I don't know how to ask for it so I'm writing it. A cop out? Perhaps and for that I'm sorry. But more than that I also don't feel alone with this depravity because I know you will help me with it.

Sorry xxx

24 hours later

I feel hungover today. I know I had a couple of bottles of beer but that's not it. I do feel deflated and a bit needy, slightly anxious about my tasks/job/admin etc. Not down, just deflated. And I miss you.

So I thought I would take a self portrait with the big boy camera so you can see your handiwork close up! Wonder what the neighbours would have thought it they'd seen me bent over by the dining room table, camera balanced behind me, trousers down! Anyway, I think you will agree that you did an amazing job and yes, I am wearing your tartan.

xxx

Dom drop

I didn't think about Dom drop. Sorry xxx Hope you're feeling okay and please remember that every waking second I'm thinking about you.

In other news, no wonder it hurt so much....(see photos)

Lesson four - partition

As I drove away today, I felt invincible. Like now that the submissive part of me had been sated, the dominant part could once again take over - in business, financial affairs, family life and the general mundanity that we all go through. But actually I realise there is no such partition.

For you are not teaching me about kinky sex - you are teaching me about the way that I need to approach everything in my life. I can transfer these lessons to everything from decisions I make with clients to the way I conduct myself in a pub. The partition is only there when you are fighting against it because when it happens naturally, things just start to click into place.

I have never thought as much as I have thought today. Busy crowded head. Part pleasure seeker (wow - that magic wand!), part little girl (how safe do I feel with you), part professional business woman (I achieved on Thursday). And all of the parts, taken as a whole come back to how you have worked your magic with me.

I know it is narcissistic to think about yourself all of the time and I am aware that this is not all about me. You find pleasure, sanctuary and happiness in your role as nurturer, protector, mentor and guide and that makes me so warm inside. If I can highlight these elements for you by listening to your advice, taking your counsel and acting on your words then that makes me happy. But also what makes me happy is sitting by your side, my face in your hand, eyes closed, just savouring the moment.

My final word has to go to this morning in bed. Pain was intense - when you were squeezing my nipples and biting my neck, the pain was intense. It really really (I would have sworn here in the past) hurt. You asked me to look for the deeper pain, to stay still, not to struggle but I did find it hard. But I really really wanted to take it for you. I really wanted you to know that I would do anything for you. But it wasn't until we got up that I saw you had done exactly what you said and carved your initial into my body. That's when the circle was complete for me. You did say you were going to do that but until I saw it - that raised, red weal on my bottom, I didn't fully understand what it meant. But it means you are proud of me. Proud enough to stamp something of yours on me. Proud enough of me to want to own the bit that I can give to you. Proud enough to know that this will make me happy, very happy indeed.

Thank you. From the bottom of my heart thank you. You said to me "it feels like you have come home" and it does. I feel content and at peace. Christ - I'm not naive so I know that give it 24 hours and real life will kick in but I also know that when you are there, in my life (at the end of the phone, in person) you will do your utmost to level me, to be a touchstone and to guide me. I so appreciate your experience (professionally and personally) and I have the highest regard for you as a person, a gentleman.

Finally (and I promise it is!!!) if this is too much I am sorry but you asked me for my thoughts. I have to write them - I cannot articulate this in person - two reasons, rejection and scorn. You would never ever ever pour scorn on my emotions but I do feel that the crux of my 'inner issues' are just that and experience has taught me to put up armour. With you, I am happy to be naked and to show you my throat - for you to hold, kiss and bite - but right now I am still happier writing it to you.

Thank you daddy for everything xxxxxxx

Lesson three - black and white

One of the reasons I feel so comfortable with you is that black is black and white is white. You are a confident strong and secure person who also somehow has the ability to see in others what is is that might need tweaking. You take no prisoners, no shit and you are certainly not a walkover. But your calm confidence is what I aspire to have in my life.

Saturday was spent revelling in freedom with excitement about seeing you (although I know your day was frustratingly terrible in terms of business - hugs xxx) And in between there were moments (and forgive me if I have got the chronology wrong) where I just melted into you. Like the first time you held my throat and I just felt peaceful - in my place, secure and happy.

It was so cool to talk scene stuff with both Danny and Maria. I know I am an info-lusting nightmare when it comes to learning but I just love being able to talk candidly about what goes on. I know sometimes I find it hard to express to you how I am feeling in my deepest darkest places and I am learning but with these guys it was more peripheral. It wasn't about me - it was about their experiences, gossip really! And I felt included.

The evening was harder work because I wanted to be by your side but felt somehow inhibited by the others in the room. For the first time all weekend I actually felt a little insecure. Did you want me to show my affection to you in front of them? But now I realise you weren't comfortable either and (jumping ahead) I have to say that my heart leapt when you said in the club - let's go - I just want it to be you and me.

I did love dressing up for you - I wanted to be your slut and my mind was racing about the possibilities (in the future) of exactly that. Of you basically showing me off - an extension of you being proud of me I suppose. Lots of black (no white at all!)

Three moments from Saturday night stand out. Just being held by you with my head in your chest as you stroked my head and held me close. There was noone else there - just you looking out for me, making me calm, relaxed, happy and at peace with the world. The second was the excitement that you wanted to play violet wand games with me - beautiful crackly purple beast that it is! Not painful at all, just fairly intensely different.

And then the knives. You showed them to me in the kitchen before we went - you know that I was being cool and shrugging it off but inside I was a bit of a nervous mess. But at that moment in the club as you held a guiding comforting hand on my back, I wanted more than anything for you to run that steel down my spine. It took me a little time to stop my heart pounding and for every fibre in my body not to shout stop because, rationally, how can this be a good idea?? But I trust you, I know you have my absolute best interests at heart and you care about me deeply so I tried not to stiffen. The experience was intense. I didn't realise it would hurt. I didn't realise that there were various feelings - a sharp pain, the point sticking in, the heavy drag down my back, the smooth cold relief of the back of the knife. And all the time you kept your other hand on me - feeling for response, checking that I was okay. I fretted about other people walking near you - jostling you but I also knew that I was safe. And you stopped at exactly the right time.

Sub space! Wow. Floaty, out of this world high. So happy that I lay still for you, so that you could make pretty patterns on my skin, so that you could enjoy what you love best - control, trust and submission. And you were so careful that I didn't jump up, making sure I was cognitive before letting me take my first feeble steps back to the table. Anxious moments when you walked off - I felt a bit alone and exposed but Maria was there and held my face and smiled at me and it was like being on 'e' or some other chemical. Very very intense.

After that, as you know, the atmosphere wasn't there and we came home and went to sleep. Me with a big huge happy grin and you, hopefully, with the same. You are black and white - I know you felt the same. You told me I had done well and inside that made me giggle - you were the one with the responsibility and the acute awareness that you were holding me in your hands. I just had to follow orders!

Lesson two - blossoming

You have said many times over the past few months that you have seen me blossoming and I feel that sometimes I just take one step forward to take three back. However, I want to clarify how I see myself. And it isn't blossoming so much as growing up. Actions versus consequence, cheap thrills versus long lasting repercussions, concentration versus short attention span and finally patience.

So I took myself into town on Friday (as you know) and got drunk with old friends. It wasn't planned, it wasn't premeditated but when I told you, you just texted me back to say I deserved a celebration. I know I feel the need to seek approval, to absolve myself of guilt about things that might be wrong but this was lovely. Like you were proud of me and were letting me have my head. And in that moment, I felt another connection to you. That as much as I might be blossoming, I am always not allowing myself to forget that sometimes, just sometimes, if it feels good, it is good.

Lesson one - sex does not equal love

I thought I would break down the last 4 days into lessons that I am coming away with. Nothing heavy - just realisations and things made clear by the very special man who is holding my hand.

I know I am hedonistic, sometimes this manifests itself in needing to get drunk, other times in just needing closeness. I have always equated sex with love. So I would go out, sleep with someone, for the 2 hours that we were together I felt needed, wanted, desired but afterwards was left with more of a gaping hole than when I started. For sex does not equal love.

This weekend I had no sex but have never felt so nurtured, cherished, adored, cared for and approved of. It was a deeper level, a higher plain - whatever analogy you can think of, this was it.

When I first saw you on Thursday morning, me with trepidation about the work to come mixed in with anxiety about meeting you and what lay in store, I actually nearly ran. I felt like to face you meant to face everything in my head and I was suddenly deeply aware that there was no going back from this. Lessons needed to be learned and therefore I needed to stand tall and learn. And then you kissed me and everything was okay with the world and I relaxed. You knew I was like a flighty horse that morning so just the gentle act of making sure I went to work with a spanked arse, to remind me of what it was I needed to concentrate on, was the most perfect thing in the world.

And you metaphorically held my hand as I again stood tall, showed my client why they are paying my fees, showed everyone that I can achieve and that I am proud of what I do for a living.

That evening it felt perfectly right, natural and comfortable to sit at your feet.

A new lease of life - welcome home?

I can't write at the moment - I am still taking it all in.

But what a weekend. Thank you so much. That sounds so small compared to how I really want to say it. Grin.

xxxxxx

It still fucking hurts

I cried yesterday and I cried today

Hot painful tears that I couldn't help

And even though I read an article saying that when men are fearful, guilty, worried or anxious they retreat

It still fucking hurts

I want to get over this

I need to get over this

My life is too busy right now to be distracted

I managed a week away, with barely a thought

But now I'm back, now the mundanity is kicking it

It still fucking hurts

And all I want to do is let you know - but that is selfish - because I want you to know how much it hurts so that I can be reassured that it hurts you too, or that you are regretting it or that you somehow are struggling too

But I don't want you to be struggling or to be hurting because I want you to be happy with the choice you made

But it still fucking hurts

It hurts (II)

Vera Pavlova wrote:

“If there is something to desire,

there will be something to regret.

If there is something to regret,

there will be something to recall.

If there is something to recall,

there was nothing to regret.

If there was nothing to regret,

there was nothing to desire.”

It hurts

I know its the right thing to do, I understand your need to look after your own, to prove to yourself, to Soph and to Becks that you are a good dad and that you do take your responsibilities seriously. Rationally I understand that - all of it. I know you have to do this. This is the only thing you have to do. But why does it hurt so much? Is it because both you and I know this was always more than just sex? Is it because you and I know how good we were together, how well we got on, how we were just starting to work out what made the other tick? Is it because neither of us was looking for anything but suddenly, bang, we were knocked for six (your words)? Is it because we had started making plans? Is it because suddenly there was something to look forward to each morning.

It hurts and I miss you. I miss the chats, the closeness, the secretiveness, the understanding of each other, the shared giggles, the love of Kings of Leon and of raving, the happiness to eat a fry up at Jens then go for a drive in the country, the shared love of Longman. Rationally Sarah - it was 2 weeks that was all. But what a two weeks. You were as into me as I was into you. It was equal. I was smitten, you were addicted (our words). I was never expecting anything from you but it all came - naturally, loving and because you are you.

So to have it taken away, pulled apart, side-swiped. It hurts.

xxx

mmmmmmmmmmmmmm x
Eat me, he said. Well, what's a girl to do?

Too much

I didn't manage to make it to see A and a......too hungover. Sorry x

At peace?

I'm so happy. Didn't think I'd write that 2 months ago but I am. Beginning to feel confident in my skin again, realising that shit happens but so do good things. Definitely beginning to see through the fog and realising that oblivion is not preferable to clarity. I think my "I am just a hedonist - so shoot me" line is a defence mechanism. I know that my need to alter my reality is not a need but a desire and one which I can control. And control is exactly where I am going.

What conversations we have had! I admitted last night that I have never been so honest, open or analytical before. As an 18 year old life happened while I went along for the ride. As a 28 year old life happened and I railed against it. Now, as I come up to being 34 (woohoo) I have come to the peaceful happy conclusion that life happens, I have an impact on that life but also I am not at the mercy of my insecurity or my lack of will power or my outwardly facing persona. Life happens because I make it happen. And I just need to make some decent choices, look at where I want to be, point the bow there and move the tiller accordingly.

I am extraordinarily lucky in that the set of characteristics that I was born with and that I have honed over the last 33 years actually are ok. I can write and in doing so I can make a living. I need need need to focus more. I have coasted a bit over the last couple of years - in fact, the truth is I have always coasted and I have been flukey in my success. Other people might not have managed to achieve what I have even if they worked twice as hard. I have my own little fledging business that needs work and I have clients that expect, demand and pay for results. Remember this Sarah.

Personal life. Aaaah. Now there's a thing. Searching always for that elusive buzz has left me wanting and has definitely left me feeling less confident and happy. Take a rest, see what happens and guess what? It falls in my lap!! BIG BIG GRIN. Can't wait to see what the future holds in that respect - I know I'm going to be dragged kicking and screaming through my conscience, through my darkest deepest thoughts but ultimately I am going to emerge, smile on my lips, warmth in my heart and stripes on my bottom a happier, more connected and secure female. What a lovely feeling - to be standing on the precipice with my hand firmly held. I feel stronger already. I know I don't need someone else for my happiness but it is an amazing feeling to know that someone wants to be there. Someone I can lean on, look up to, learn from, bounce ideas off and ultimately please. Happy girly xxx

The dream from which I never wanted to wake up

This was a couple of nights ago but even thinking about it now makes me stretch luxuriously like a cat and purr softly.

So. The dream.

I was on a train, old fashioned first class carriage with almost private compartments and velour seats, smelling slightly of smoke. It seemed to be a long train journey - I remember thinking that I'd finished all my newspapers, my laptop battery had run out and I was bored. My mind started drifting a bit when we pulled into a station. Just one person got on and he came into my carriage, giving me a quick glance as he settled opposite me. I didn't look up immediately when he sat down but as soon as I did I realised he was a tall, handsome, older man with a naughty glint in his eye. He looked familiar but I turned it over in my brain and came to the conclusion that he just looked like a tall, handsome, older man - the type I fancied from afar and who gave me butterflies.

I dozed. I leant against the window and day dreamed about what would happen if I let my knees fall apart so the man opposite could see straight up my skirt and straight to my waxed pussy. I day dreamed whether he would be able to see me getting wet at the thought of dropping to my knees in front of him, and without saying a word, started sucking his cock. I obviously smiled even though my eyes were shut as I heard a little low chuckle from the other side of the carriage. I kept my eyes closed but the tension was palpable. Could he tell that my heart was beating a little faster? Did he know I was a complete slut and was thinking about how good his cock would taste? Had he worked out that the flush that was spreading over my face and chest was all due to him.

Finally he spoke. And all he said was "good girl" and as I opened my eyes to look at him, I realised he had opened his flies and his cock was hard. And I knew exactly what I had to do, what I wanted to do, as I almost fell off my seat straight onto my knees in front of him. And as I took his cock in my mouth and heard his breath quicken, I glanced up with what I know is my most mischeivous look. And he stroked the top of my head, guiding me strongly onto his cock, making sure my lips never left the job at hand.

I felt like a dying man taking his last drink as I eagerly, hungrily sucked and licked, using my hands on his balls and making sure that I did my absolute best because I knew he'd expect it. Then he grabbed my hair in his hand, twisting it round 'til it hurt my head and I could feel it almost ripping out of my scalp. This just spurred me on even more to suck and tease his cock. And then he forced my head down and I was gagging, and I could feel bile coming up and tears running down my face as his cock banged against the back of my throat. And then he came, holding my head in place. I could hardly breathe but could taste his cum in my mouth - delicious. And then he withdrew and I knew he wanted to see that I was grateful for his cum so I showed him my open mouth before happily swallowing my prize.

And I rested my head on his knee as he put his cock away, before he stroked my face and said "my baby". The next minute we were pulling into a station, he had jumped up and gone.

I was left, on my knees in the empty carriage. My pussy throbbing, aching to be touched, dripping wet. My face red, my mouth full of the taste of cum, my head tingling where my hair had been pulled, tears still pricking my eyes. And I smiled and stretched and felt secure, happy, fulfilled and at peace - exactly the way I felt when I woke up.

Yum
xxxx

Oh fuck

i called him daddy. Twice actually. (And it felt good!)

And so it begins

When you're least expecting something. When your defences are down. When you're resigning yourself to a lifetime of mediocre dating, drunken shags and unfulfillment. Who could have predicted this one??

My initial forays into the scene had introduced me to some of the THE characters, the big cheeses. Danny (who clearly I have mentioned before), Warlock (met at Hades), The Edge (met at Dark) and also David. David is a big guy and my initial reaction when I met him in Nov 07 was one of slight awe but also of complete comfort as he made me grin, made me feel comfortable in what was essentially a totally alien environment. That first night at Hades will stick in my memory forever - not for the things I witnessed, more for the utter acceptance of me by the people I met.

At Dark in April, when I was bent over and on show, it was David who sat and talked to Tim. I couldn't hear what they were saying but every fibre of me wanted it to be Tim saying " Take her she's yours" - which of course didn't happen and I felt a bit guilty even thinking it but then by April I already knew this relationship was doomed.

Fast forward to 31st July and a series of seemingly innocent exchanges via IC and then it all came out - in a kind of rush of "thank fuck for that" as actually I admitted that I've been thinking about him ever since I met him (and seemingly vice versa). Well - there you go!!!

Two things stick in my mind:
He likes me - woohoo
Bloody hell what the hell is going to happen to me now?

I feel like I can properly put on my boots and start this journey. Everything I have learned about myself should stand me in good stead but already, after two late night conversations, he has invaded my thoughts and my conscience. Last night, after speaking for a while, my mind was whirring. I couldn't sleep but I was tired, I didn't want to lie down but physically I couldn't stand up and the images and thoughts going around and around were vivid, and dark and exciting and thrilling. And was I wet?? As if he'd actually been there in the room. And his voice - makes me think of dark melted chocolate and already I feel like I never want it to stop.

So - what are my expectations and what am I looking for?
To please, serve and adore
To be looked after - before during and after
To be used and broken, to be pushed and pushed and then held tight
To make him proud
To experience life and thoughts through his eyes
To take control of my raging horny streak and hand it over for his control

Who know's where I'm going but boy am I going to enjoy it. As I said to David, in my usual gung-ho manner, Bring It On.

(whimper)

xxx

Five months, a world of difference

Wow. I've just read back through my posts which has been fascinating. Seeing the development of things and details. Very interesting.

Recap - April 19th went to Dark in London with Tim. D was there along with others from the scene who I know now. Spent most of the night bent over while Tim went to work with the crop and the paddle. Got right into subspace for the first time which was like being high on weed. A lovely feeling. Was beaten and beaten - on the St Andrews Cross, on the horse. Really good fun and painful.

And that was the beginning of the end with Tim. His anger issues threatened to take over our relationship, I sent him away to get help, he tried, we tried but on 19th June he assaulted me. That's it then. Game over.

And now? Now I'm back yearning for some love and attention. I pulled a fantastically fit beautiful gorgeous vanilla bar man and we spent about 2 weeks fucking. Then he backed off. I suspect he can see a neediness in me that isn't at first apparent as I am so independent and "confident". I think he's gorgeous but that's it.

OMG - I'm now part of a couple...

....and in a strange twist of fate, the love of my life is TIM. My friend Tim. My work partner Tim. The man who has been my confidante through a strange few months. The man who I respect so much because he is him and because, although he is sensitive to the core, he is also tough, tenacious, passionate, driven and utterly gorgeous.

My meet with furry boy was ok but the whole evening I spent thinking about Tim. About the way he holds me, the way he looks at me and the way he connects with my mind and heart. And when I got back from London, Tim came to stay. And basically never left.

Boy has it been fiery! But boy has it been fantastic. And I know I said he was vanilla, but what vanilla boy do you know that immediately gets hard as soon as he tells me to kneel at his feet? Or who gets a rush of horn just by picking up a plastic fish slice? Or who can manage to get inside my head so much that I am unable to orgasm unless he gives me the command? Or who only needs to look at me and my knees melt.

We're working together, we're loving together, we're planning together. We have our moments - great big screaming moments - but I REALLY REALLY WANT THIS TO WORK. I love him with all my heart and I want to be with him forever. Through the bad moments and the good. I respect him, I love him and I fancy him like fuck.

Thank you boy for being there xxxxxxxxxx

And another one bites the dust

I do think I'm having a run of bad luck really. Friday - Tim tells me he can't come and see me because he is busy all weekend, far too much work but it will be Monday. Monday morning, early doors, a text. "Morning gorgeous. Need a late night visitor tonight?" to which I obviously reply in the affirmative.

Hear nothing from him all day - so what's new? 9.30 I text to say "how late is late?" Nothing. 10.30 I went to bed. Woke up this morning, still nothing so I text him with - how crap are you at keeping in touch. No kisses! Now I'm leaving it. Fuck him.

In other news, I am meeting up with furry boy on Friday evening. He is lovely, very sweet, gentle, very encouraging. Could be fun....

x

New Year's Eve and reflection time

So NYE was spent at a fetish club but unlike Hades, this was a totally mixed bag. Full of swingers in street clothes for a start. Got a bit tied up with Jahc99 from IC and flogged. Fun actually - he is quite an intense old soul immediately fell into sub role. Also chatted to a couple who were very D/s and beautifully balanced and matched with it.

Went out with my best mate Tim (as opposed to the man I hope is mine Tim!) and he was great and very supportive and a laugh and I appreciate everything he did for me that night as it wasn't his scene and it was all about me.

So - what a year. 2007 was the year that I split up with my husband, the year of the discovery of self, the selfishness, the deep dark desires. Think 2008 should be more settled. Well I hope it will be!

PS In a week I had sex with 4 men over 7 days. That is a way to end a year. Slag