Friday, 3 January 2014
Wow
It's been so long since I blogged that I don't even begin to remember who or what or why I was. Life has changed. We've all got older. We've all become jaded and bitter and jealous and different. Yet the substance of who I am has never changed.
I've got more scars - physical and emotional. I've ended up in counselling. I've moved away from BDSM entirely. Yet the longing still remains.
Friday, 24 February 2012
Thursday, 5 January 2012
New beginnings
There's been a funny mix of events over the last few months. In no particular order:
1) I fell head over heels in love with a vanilla man who I met on-line. Who had charm and charisma and who liked stockings as much as I did. But it turns out that he wasn't in love with me. He was clinically depressed - he didn't even love himself - so how could he love me. We fucked, we laughed, we drank. We went to Barcelona and I told him I needed reassurance which was the beginning of the end. He couldn't give me any commitment or even any indication how he felt. And I was devastated when he finished with me in October. I cried for what could have been. I cried because I'd put my heart on my sleeve and fallen in love. I cried with humiliating agony because I couldn't have him. But that's done. And there's no more to say about it. We've met since, as friends, and I think I would still go for it again. But it's not going to happen.
2) I went through a series of experiences that shaped the future of my life. They included: meeting a sadistic, twisted bastard in order to be beaten. Who, by his own admission, I took to the 'edge'. The words "for several seconds I could have plunged that knife into your heart" will stay with me forever. He was wonderful. I was wanton.
3) I was fucked. Right royally fucked. By K, by R, by S, by C, by G. In a threesome situation. Out dogging (with M).
4) I was scarred and beaten and scared. By someone who should have known better. By someone who I trusted with my life but who went too far and who scared me too much and who didn't stop when I asked.
5) I played with a lady who I have the utmost admiration for. Who is beautiful and intelligent and horny. It was non sexual but it was incredibly erotic. She licked away my tears.
6) I was told I was an unfit mother. I entered counselling. I made amends. I stepped back from the precipice.
7) I got back in touch with my daddy and broke his heart for a second time. We played - with needles, knives and staples - our old routine of pain and pleasure. But still his age, his body, the way he kisses made me recoil in disgust. I hurt him. Again. And I apologised. Again. But he is not what I am looking for.
8) I flirted online - vanilla and on IC. I flirted with a man with whom I knew little but who I wanted to know lots. We met. We clicked. We kissed. We went to the woods and played with a red strap and with our minds and our bodies. And he left me feeling exhilarated. I pissed myself for him. And photographed the evidence. A first but hopefully not the last. He has named me - rien - meaning nothing. I hope I can prove myself to be something for him.
9) I had my clit hood pierced.
10) I went out on New Year's Eve to show off with needles holding black swan feathers to my back. In a new red and black latex dress. It was fun. But nothing more.
11) I cried in fear for the first time. Hot body-shaking sobs as my best friend pushed me just a little too far.
12) I took a good long look at my life. In six months I have 'done' most of the debauched sexual things I have been craving yet still I have felt something was missing. Sex is fun and being wanton is exhilarating. Yet doing it without someone by my side - someone that understands deep down what it is that makes me who I am means it's all rather hollow. And shallow.
Resolution:
to be the best I can be - in business, in parenthood, in friendship
to fall in love with the right person
to explore, in a safe and sane way, my desires and my needs and in turn, to be the catalyst to his desires and needs.
1) I fell head over heels in love with a vanilla man who I met on-line. Who had charm and charisma and who liked stockings as much as I did. But it turns out that he wasn't in love with me. He was clinically depressed - he didn't even love himself - so how could he love me. We fucked, we laughed, we drank. We went to Barcelona and I told him I needed reassurance which was the beginning of the end. He couldn't give me any commitment or even any indication how he felt. And I was devastated when he finished with me in October. I cried for what could have been. I cried because I'd put my heart on my sleeve and fallen in love. I cried with humiliating agony because I couldn't have him. But that's done. And there's no more to say about it. We've met since, as friends, and I think I would still go for it again. But it's not going to happen.
2) I went through a series of experiences that shaped the future of my life. They included: meeting a sadistic, twisted bastard in order to be beaten. Who, by his own admission, I took to the 'edge'. The words "for several seconds I could have plunged that knife into your heart" will stay with me forever. He was wonderful. I was wanton.
3) I was fucked. Right royally fucked. By K, by R, by S, by C, by G. In a threesome situation. Out dogging (with M).
4) I was scarred and beaten and scared. By someone who should have known better. By someone who I trusted with my life but who went too far and who scared me too much and who didn't stop when I asked.
5) I played with a lady who I have the utmost admiration for. Who is beautiful and intelligent and horny. It was non sexual but it was incredibly erotic. She licked away my tears.
6) I was told I was an unfit mother. I entered counselling. I made amends. I stepped back from the precipice.
7) I got back in touch with my daddy and broke his heart for a second time. We played - with needles, knives and staples - our old routine of pain and pleasure. But still his age, his body, the way he kisses made me recoil in disgust. I hurt him. Again. And I apologised. Again. But he is not what I am looking for.
8) I flirted online - vanilla and on IC. I flirted with a man with whom I knew little but who I wanted to know lots. We met. We clicked. We kissed. We went to the woods and played with a red strap and with our minds and our bodies. And he left me feeling exhilarated. I pissed myself for him. And photographed the evidence. A first but hopefully not the last. He has named me - rien - meaning nothing. I hope I can prove myself to be something for him.
9) I had my clit hood pierced.
10) I went out on New Year's Eve to show off with needles holding black swan feathers to my back. In a new red and black latex dress. It was fun. But nothing more.
11) I cried in fear for the first time. Hot body-shaking sobs as my best friend pushed me just a little too far.
12) I took a good long look at my life. In six months I have 'done' most of the debauched sexual things I have been craving yet still I have felt something was missing. Sex is fun and being wanton is exhilarating. Yet doing it without someone by my side - someone that understands deep down what it is that makes me who I am means it's all rather hollow. And shallow.
Resolution:
to be the best I can be - in business, in parenthood, in friendship
to fall in love with the right person
to explore, in a safe and sane way, my desires and my needs and in turn, to be the catalyst to his desires and needs.
Wednesday, 14 December 2011
Home
Whether it was the sharp intense pain of the staples, or the smooth dulcet tones of your voice - whether it was the deep brown eyes that shone with love, or the hand on the back of my neck as the knife was run down my spine. Whatever it was - I felt like I was home.
The anticipation of another weekend with you - a first in many ways - was very exciting but also daunting at the same time. Would we connect like we used to? Would we feel awkward with each other, so many questions still to answer, so much pain still in evidence. But I needn't have worried because everything just felt like I was home.
Friday - we chilled, we ate, we chatted, we kissed. The new collar. Shiny and cold but yet warm with so much meaning. Love and lust and wetness from us both.
Saturday - perfection. Talking, shopping (random selection of things - cats ears, stockings, feathers, food!) and then a day of preparation. Being shaved by you - lying with my legs spread as you so gently made me clean for you, ensured that I passed inspection. What a feeling. So intimate and loving and beautiful.
Dressing for you. Making sure that I would make you proud in new red and black latex - a never before worn dress.
Then being stapled shut. My cunt closed by you, for you, for us. The pain was hard to take but you told me you were so proud of me that I knew I could take it for you. Pretty black ribbon. Chastity for you.
The club - we just got straight back into our groove. I loved lying down and feeling you walk around me, hearing you whisper 'are you okay', feeling the cold steel of your blade against my hot and excited skin. And wonderful wonderful needles - I could have taken as many as you wanted to put in me. I danced in my head in time to the music, in time to our wonderful connected rhythmn. I adored feeling your hand on me, your palm against my arse, your cane, your knife, my skirt lifted up for all to see. The excitement was palpable "I can smell your cunt" you whispered in my ear at one point.
And then turned over, again on display, head tipped back, legs open as you drew your knife against my groin and laughed with onlookers.
I stood up and you held the knife against my face, putting it between my teeth. I could feel my heart and my breath - could see your beautiful handsome face looking at me. And the world stopped for just a minute. I swear I was inside you at that moment and you were inside me. This is where we belong. Doing crazy wonderful things with each other's minds and bodies. Needles in my breasts that went in so easily I didn't even wince. Talking, laughing, enjoying being as one again. An incredibly connected brilliant 'one'.
The journey home - so natural. So quiet. We hardly spoke for the majority of the time - just smiled and remembered and enjoyed and revelled in us, in our brilliance.
Sunday - I was so nervous. Being pierced for you, by you. I love the idea but as the reality grew closer I grew more tetchy and nervous.
Sweet anxiety flooded my body as I lay down and spread my legs. With you holding my hand the needle went right into my most sensitive parts - a scratchy deep but ultimately incredibly quick pain. And then it was done. And you told me how proud you were of me. And we both couldn't stop grinning.
Yes there were tears - of pain and anguish and upset and fear and emotion. But you held me, as I held you, and it was okay. It was okay for us to feel however we needed to feel at that moment.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
xxx
The anticipation of another weekend with you - a first in many ways - was very exciting but also daunting at the same time. Would we connect like we used to? Would we feel awkward with each other, so many questions still to answer, so much pain still in evidence. But I needn't have worried because everything just felt like I was home.
Friday - we chilled, we ate, we chatted, we kissed. The new collar. Shiny and cold but yet warm with so much meaning. Love and lust and wetness from us both.
Saturday - perfection. Talking, shopping (random selection of things - cats ears, stockings, feathers, food!) and then a day of preparation. Being shaved by you - lying with my legs spread as you so gently made me clean for you, ensured that I passed inspection. What a feeling. So intimate and loving and beautiful.
Dressing for you. Making sure that I would make you proud in new red and black latex - a never before worn dress.
Then being stapled shut. My cunt closed by you, for you, for us. The pain was hard to take but you told me you were so proud of me that I knew I could take it for you. Pretty black ribbon. Chastity for you.
The club - we just got straight back into our groove. I loved lying down and feeling you walk around me, hearing you whisper 'are you okay', feeling the cold steel of your blade against my hot and excited skin. And wonderful wonderful needles - I could have taken as many as you wanted to put in me. I danced in my head in time to the music, in time to our wonderful connected rhythmn. I adored feeling your hand on me, your palm against my arse, your cane, your knife, my skirt lifted up for all to see. The excitement was palpable "I can smell your cunt" you whispered in my ear at one point.
And then turned over, again on display, head tipped back, legs open as you drew your knife against my groin and laughed with onlookers.
I stood up and you held the knife against my face, putting it between my teeth. I could feel my heart and my breath - could see your beautiful handsome face looking at me. And the world stopped for just a minute. I swear I was inside you at that moment and you were inside me. This is where we belong. Doing crazy wonderful things with each other's minds and bodies. Needles in my breasts that went in so easily I didn't even wince. Talking, laughing, enjoying being as one again. An incredibly connected brilliant 'one'.
The journey home - so natural. So quiet. We hardly spoke for the majority of the time - just smiled and remembered and enjoyed and revelled in us, in our brilliance.
Sunday - I was so nervous. Being pierced for you, by you. I love the idea but as the reality grew closer I grew more tetchy and nervous.
Sweet anxiety flooded my body as I lay down and spread my legs. With you holding my hand the needle went right into my most sensitive parts - a scratchy deep but ultimately incredibly quick pain. And then it was done. And you told me how proud you were of me. And we both couldn't stop grinning.
Yes there were tears - of pain and anguish and upset and fear and emotion. But you held me, as I held you, and it was okay. It was okay for us to feel however we needed to feel at that moment.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
xxx
Friday, 21 October 2011
Video games
Swinging in the backyard
Pull up in your fast car
Whistling my name
Open up a beer
And you say get over here
And play a video game
I'm in his favorite sun dress
Watching me get undressed
Take that body downtown
I say you the bestest
Lean in for a big kiss
Put his favorite perfume on
Go play a video game
It's you, it's you, it's all for you
Everything I do
I tell you all the time
Heaven is a place on earth with you
Tell me all the things you want to do
I heard that you like the bad girls
Honey, is that true?
It's better than I ever even knew
They say that the world was built for two
Only worth living if somebody is loving you
Baby now you do
Singing in the old bars
Swinging with the old stars
Living for the fame
Kissing in the blue dark
Playing pool and wild darts
Video games
He holds me in his big arms
Drunk and I am seeing stars
This is all I think of
Watching all our friends fall
In and out of Old Paul's
This is my idea of fun
Playing video games
It's you, it's you, it's all for you
Everything I do
I tell you all the time
Heaven is a place on earth with you
Tell me all the things you want to do
I heard that you like the bad girls
Honey, is that true?
It's better than I ever even knew
They say that the world was built for two
Only worth living if somebody is loving you
Baby now you do
(Now you do)
It's you, it's you, it's all for you
Everything I do
I tell you all the time
Heaven is a place on earth with you
Tell me all the things you want to do
I heard that you like the bad girls
Honey, is that true?
It's better than I ever even knew
They say that the world was built for two
Only worth living if somebody is loving you
Baby now you do
Pull up in your fast car
Whistling my name
Open up a beer
And you say get over here
And play a video game
I'm in his favorite sun dress
Watching me get undressed
Take that body downtown
I say you the bestest
Lean in for a big kiss
Put his favorite perfume on
Go play a video game
It's you, it's you, it's all for you
Everything I do
I tell you all the time
Heaven is a place on earth with you
Tell me all the things you want to do
I heard that you like the bad girls
Honey, is that true?
It's better than I ever even knew
They say that the world was built for two
Only worth living if somebody is loving you
Baby now you do
Singing in the old bars
Swinging with the old stars
Living for the fame
Kissing in the blue dark
Playing pool and wild darts
Video games
He holds me in his big arms
Drunk and I am seeing stars
This is all I think of
Watching all our friends fall
In and out of Old Paul's
This is my idea of fun
Playing video games
It's you, it's you, it's all for you
Everything I do
I tell you all the time
Heaven is a place on earth with you
Tell me all the things you want to do
I heard that you like the bad girls
Honey, is that true?
It's better than I ever even knew
They say that the world was built for two
Only worth living if somebody is loving you
Baby now you do
(Now you do)
It's you, it's you, it's all for you
Everything I do
I tell you all the time
Heaven is a place on earth with you
Tell me all the things you want to do
I heard that you like the bad girls
Honey, is that true?
It's better than I ever even knew
They say that the world was built for two
Only worth living if somebody is loving you
Baby now you do
Sunday, 16 October 2011
Fix you
"Fix You"
When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I...
Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I...
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I...
Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I...
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Thursday, 29 September 2011
Feeling used
There are several men in my life, some of whom I've been sexual with and some of whom I might have hinted at possibly being sexual with in the future (had I not met the love of my life who I want to be with forever). They're nice in their own way - not nice enough for me ever to have pursued anything serious or long-term with but, ya know, nice enough. In fact, let's turn that round - nice enough but not nice enough for any of them to have pursued me further than trying for a quick grope in a dark alley.
What fucks me off the most is that 99% of them are married. Yup. Committed, in a relationship, married. Yet - to a man - when they see me / contact me they expect some sexual gratification. And I don't mean necessarily physical - just a text or a nod to say "yes, I know you're horny" These men are cunts. These men want nothing more than a cheap thrill with a girl they think is easy. What the fuck do I get out of "send me a picture of your tits" or "oh god I'm imagining you sucking my cock". I might be horny, I might be easy and sexually liberated but I'm not fucking stupid. Sex is a two - way thing. You want gratification? Look at porn. Don't bother me. I'm not a whore. I'm a filthy dirty slut for one man only - my love - so the rest of you - JUST FUCK OFF.
What fucks me off the most is that 99% of them are married. Yup. Committed, in a relationship, married. Yet - to a man - when they see me / contact me they expect some sexual gratification. And I don't mean necessarily physical - just a text or a nod to say "yes, I know you're horny" These men are cunts. These men want nothing more than a cheap thrill with a girl they think is easy. What the fuck do I get out of "send me a picture of your tits" or "oh god I'm imagining you sucking my cock". I might be horny, I might be easy and sexually liberated but I'm not fucking stupid. Sex is a two - way thing. You want gratification? Look at porn. Don't bother me. I'm not a whore. I'm a filthy dirty slut for one man only - my love - so the rest of you - JUST FUCK OFF.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
