It still fucking hurts

I cried yesterday and I cried today

Hot painful tears that I couldn't help

And even though I read an article saying that when men are fearful, guilty, worried or anxious they retreat

It still fucking hurts

I want to get over this

I need to get over this

My life is too busy right now to be distracted

I managed a week away, with barely a thought

But now I'm back, now the mundanity is kicking it

It still fucking hurts

And all I want to do is let you know - but that is selfish - because I want you to know how much it hurts so that I can be reassured that it hurts you too, or that you are regretting it or that you somehow are struggling too

But I don't want you to be struggling or to be hurting because I want you to be happy with the choice you made

But it still fucking hurts

It hurts (II)

Vera Pavlova wrote:

“If there is something to desire,

there will be something to regret.

If there is something to regret,

there will be something to recall.

If there is something to recall,

there was nothing to regret.

If there was nothing to regret,

there was nothing to desire.”

It hurts

I know its the right thing to do, I understand your need to look after your own, to prove to yourself, to Soph and to Becks that you are a good dad and that you do take your responsibilities seriously. Rationally I understand that - all of it. I know you have to do this. This is the only thing you have to do. But why does it hurt so much? Is it because both you and I know this was always more than just sex? Is it because you and I know how good we were together, how well we got on, how we were just starting to work out what made the other tick? Is it because neither of us was looking for anything but suddenly, bang, we were knocked for six (your words)? Is it because we had started making plans? Is it because suddenly there was something to look forward to each morning.

It hurts and I miss you. I miss the chats, the closeness, the secretiveness, the understanding of each other, the shared giggles, the love of Kings of Leon and of raving, the happiness to eat a fry up at Jens then go for a drive in the country, the shared love of Longman. Rationally Sarah - it was 2 weeks that was all. But what a two weeks. You were as into me as I was into you. It was equal. I was smitten, you were addicted (our words). I was never expecting anything from you but it all came - naturally, loving and because you are you.

So to have it taken away, pulled apart, side-swiped. It hurts.

xxx