Could you? Would you?

So, would you change in order to make a relationship better?

Of course not, you scoff! I am me - invincible, omnipotent, all conquering. Why would I change? What exactly would I need to change?

yeah. that was me 12 months ago too. Like - yeah - anyone was going to change me. Okay, so I was flawed but I was happy (wasn't I?) I'd been this way for 34 years. Old dog, new tricks springs to mind.

But now.

I would never have believed you if you had said - not only am I going to love you unconditionally, take you to the very boundaries of sanity, pain and pleasure but also to help shape you, show you where you are going wrong and guide you to a better direction. Piff and balderdash I would have responded. Bollox and more bollox would have been my retort.

But now.

Twelve months in. Twelve months of discovery. Of amazement. Of revelation.

And now I sit here realising that in loving me, in holding me, in guiding me - you have helped me to change. To be more than I ever thought I could be. To be better than 'me'. To be a more perfect 'me'.

I had self destructive, entirely self-deprecating urges. To be used but in an oblivious way to block out all that was bad. To be taken over, controlled, used, examined, tugged and brought together. In a negative way. An oblivion way.

But now.

I am grinning. I am whole. I am happy. I am constructive and positive and working towards a better future for me and my girl. I am positive that what I contribute is good and worthwhile. I have a brain, I have aptitude. I have intelligence and knowledge with a keen sense of discovery and innovation. I have insight, I have intuition. I have a way of getting on with people (that doesn't mean sleeping with them), I have a relationship building persona, a bridge-builder, a peace-maker, a result-driven way of working that before just got lost in the miasma of everything else.

And you know what?

Until you came along - the bad outweighed the good. The negative shouted louder than the positive. Everything I did I felt I had to apologise for. I was too ambitious, to the detriment of everything else. Too driven, so much so that no-one else got a look-in for fear of being run down. Too outspoken, dominant (ha), self-opinionated, educated, selfish, spoiled. The adjectives rolled on and on. And always, in the background - you are never good enough. Never showing 'the potential you showed'. Never as 'good as you ought to have been'

Well now - swivel you naysayers. I am proving my potential, I am reaching into every bit of expensive education that I have been given and you know why? Because someone has held my hand, held my legs, held my face and told me 'yes you can do it and I am behind you every step of the way' And each night I come home to Him, he is there again, with hugs and praise and help and advice and solace and love.

To wait 35 years to understand the meaning of 'I'm proud of you' seems a lifetime but right now, it just seems amazing.

Thank you daddy. I love you xxxx