We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun...

Goodbye, Papa, please pray for me,
I was the black sheep of the family.
You tried to teach me right from wrong.
Too much wine and too much song,
wonder how I get along.


And that is where it ended.





But it didn't.

I had made up my mind - I really had. I was not happy (all the time), I saw fault in shape and size, in form and function. "I could do better' We said good-bye, I told my friends, there was much bonfire burning online. There were tears and hurt but resolution.

Then there was doubt. Then there was insanity.

I felt trapped by my inability to make a decision, by my so-called friends and their "he's this....he'll never change...you weren't happy...look how much you are missing out on..." style of support.

I had voices in my head that screamed at me day and night. I thought I was losing my mind. I cried I shook I couldn't concentrate on anything. If this was happiness at my decision then WTF would sadness have felt like.

Then one friend, one new and intelligent friend, cried with me and said "OMG you are perfect together - what have you done?"



A relationship like ours is, by its very nature, intense. The mental connection when it works, as ours did, is so strong and so binding that I was prepared to feel lost and little when it went. What I wasn't prepared for was the mental challenge of understanding my decision and being understanding of other's motives. I wasn't prepared when I realised that my troubles and my anxieties were able to be discussed and hopefully resolved with little more than a conversation over dinner.

Yes - there are challenges in our relationship that come with a 19 year age gap and the difference between a giant 6ft2bear and a wide but little 5ft6girly. There are differences because I seem to have an ability to see the glass half empty and you see it half full. I listened to those pernicious little voices that were oh so supportive but hid their own agenda - 'go on, be single, see the fun we would have, oh I know some nice blokes who'd be up for some fun...' Can you imagine the damage that would have occurred? I need very careful handling to get the best out of me - you know that inside out - others don't and I am easily led.


I need you.



We need to get over this (again....god I sound like a stuck record) Things worth keeping are worth fighting for and other trite little sayings.


Throughout you haven't wavered in your belief that what we have is utterly special, that our love is genuine deep and fulfilling. You have cried and been despairing, you have been gentle and persuasive, you have been excited and in planning mode. I've fallen apart but I know that you will be able to put me back together - because that is what I need.


I love you daddy xxxx now and forever xxxx

PS Thank you for everything