Night after night.....

...but never the same feeling twice.

We've been seeing each other masses recently - Thursday night I dressed up in school uniform and was waiting for him, at my desk, when he came in from work. It was enough to put a fire in his eyes, despite the terrible day he'd had. He punished me, we role-played for a little and then we fucked. Me with my white pants just pulled down, him with a fervour I haven't seen before. And afterwards he said I'd fulfilled an ultimate fantasy for him, that it was all just perfect. We slept the happy sleep of entwined lovers at peace.

Friday night I went over in the evening and we snuggled. We just enjoyed holding each other and catching up. Bed with just a kiss. The next morning however, as I rode his beautiful cock and ground my clit into him I came again and again and again. Sweat pouring down between my breasts, breath coming in ragged pants as he whispered filthy fantasies (of mine) into my ear. About being used by numerous men, about glory holes. And he said something so amazing 'I would let that happen because I trust you and because I know you're mine.' Whether it ever would happen is beside the point - I'm not sure whether I'd really want it to - but he trusts me.

Saturday - day spent doing family things until he called at 6. Come over (with the small person) and spend the night. He'd been drinking cider and watching rugby and was in a garalous mood. It was fun as we put the small person to bed then drank and fucked on the floor. He adored my new stockings I was wearing under my jeans and it was fun to rub his hard cock with my nyloned feet before he threw me onto my back and asked me to be meek as he fucked me. For some reason, being meek is hard to do - filthy dirty whore comes more naturally. Then a strange break 'you've gone dry' just before the small person made an appearance. I don't think I had actually but it was a good excuse for a break. Then he jumped on his laptop to look for nurse's uniforms for me but closed the lid before buying. I got the impression he was a little drunk - it wasn't horrible, it was just that he wasn't 100% on my wave length. It wasn't bad, it wasn't even annoying - in fact, I enjoyed the fact that he was even more sex starved than usual!

So we went to bed, we made sure the lights were on 'I want to be able to see you' before he came really hard inside me, watching my stocking-ed leg wrapping itself around him.

I love him so much. I love everything about him. I want this to work so badly.

you called sir...?

So, he's been working nights which means a change in routine, an alternative existence somewhere between waking and sleeping, working and longing.

But then a call this morning (my morning - his evening after 12 hours at the coal face) "I've bought you some underwear - I want you to come over so I can fuck you while you wear it." I didn't need asking twice. He clipped the stockings to the suspender belt, he gasped at the boots I was wearing, he was hard and naked within seconds. And boy did we fuck - over the kitchen chair, on the floor, in bed. All the time him saying "you look so fucking sexy, god you are hot" and me responding by being wet before he kissed me, by cumming as I rode him and looking at him in the eyes as he released his cum into me. We lay for a few minutes, breathing each other in, enjoying the sensation. I said to him "one of the things I love is that you never break your promises. When you say 'I need you now' that's exactly what you mean and nothing I say will change that." He looked at me, held my face and said, "because when I tell you what to do, then that's exactly what you will do or I will make you." And then, within minutes, he was hard again.

D/s without the BS. Perfection.

Love

What does it actually mean? In the early days is it just infatuation? Just lust and hormones that get in the way?

Or does it have a deeper, more profound, more honest meaning? It's closeness that's for sure - it's compatibility, and attention, interest, intrigue, care, commitment and compassion. It's certainly attraction and fascination - it's desire and lust - it's wanton heat and it's the overwhelming feeling that you never want to stop lying in his arms, breathing in his smell, feeling his cock harden against your leg, tasting his lips as he kisses you and draws you closer saying 'come to daddy my beautiful baby' having never ever told him of those desires and wishes before.

And then he kissed me

It happened last night. Standing in his dining room, dinner cooking. He held my shoulders and looked into my eyes and said "I think I love you". I couldn't say anything so I just looked up at him with pride.

It took a lot to say it because he's been so hurt in the past, he's so scared of being hurt in the future. He doesn't want to be hurt again. I told him later that I love him too but the moment had passed.

It was momentous and I felt such gravitas behind those three simple words.

And then he kissed me.

In my head

It's not actually that relevant because I do believe that I have him but the words 'I love him...but only on my own' won't disappear this morning. From Les Mis


And now I'm all alone again nowhere to turn, no one to go to
without a home without a friend without a face to say hello to
And now the night is near
Now I can make believe he's here

Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping
I think of him and then I'm happy
With the company I'm keeping
The city goes to bed
And I can live inside my head

On my own
Pretending he's beside me
All alone
I walk with him till morning
Without him
I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And he has found me

In the rain the pavement shines like silver
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me forever and forever

And I know it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to him
And although I know that he is blind
Still I say, there's a way for us

I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone
The river's just a river
Without him
The world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere
The streets are full of strangers

I love him
But every day I'm learning
All my life
I've only been pretending
Without me
His world will go on turning
A world that's full of happiness
That I have never known

I love him
I love him
I love him
But only on my own

The past

why? why does the past have to shape the future? I had a D/s relationship - it was right at the time, it was what I needed, craved, desired. But now. Now I need love, I need 'nilla', I need normal, I need respect, I need love. I need you. I don't need anything else. I don't want anything else. Please believe me. I need you

I love him

I want to scream from the roof-tops...but I don't want to scare him off

I want to tell him.....but I don't want him to back off

I want to be with him forever, to make plans, to learn - to love - to live - with him...but I don't want him to run

He's scared, I'm scared, we're scared. But I know. I just know. He's mine. I'm his. We are meant to be together.

It's the forever that's freaking us out. But I know already that I love him.