Saturday night

I wanted to post the photos as a reminder of a strange but fun evening. Not one of the most intense, not even one of the most fun but a step in the journey nonetheless. Thank you for your smile and your love (but you shouldn't have left me after you flogged me - I was flying and I needed you - hmph!! xxx)

but then all was forgiven as you woke me up 'look what has happened as I was dreaming about you. suck my cock baby. sit on daddy's cock baby. I am going to come baby. sweet dreams baby'

Could you? Would you?

So, would you change in order to make a relationship better?

Of course not, you scoff! I am me - invincible, omnipotent, all conquering. Why would I change? What exactly would I need to change?

yeah. that was me 12 months ago too. Like - yeah - anyone was going to change me. Okay, so I was flawed but I was happy (wasn't I?) I'd been this way for 34 years. Old dog, new tricks springs to mind.

But now.

I would never have believed you if you had said - not only am I going to love you unconditionally, take you to the very boundaries of sanity, pain and pleasure but also to help shape you, show you where you are going wrong and guide you to a better direction. Piff and balderdash I would have responded. Bollox and more bollox would have been my retort.

But now.

Twelve months in. Twelve months of discovery. Of amazement. Of revelation.

And now I sit here realising that in loving me, in holding me, in guiding me - you have helped me to change. To be more than I ever thought I could be. To be better than 'me'. To be a more perfect 'me'.

I had self destructive, entirely self-deprecating urges. To be used but in an oblivious way to block out all that was bad. To be taken over, controlled, used, examined, tugged and brought together. In a negative way. An oblivion way.

But now.

I am grinning. I am whole. I am happy. I am constructive and positive and working towards a better future for me and my girl. I am positive that what I contribute is good and worthwhile. I have a brain, I have aptitude. I have intelligence and knowledge with a keen sense of discovery and innovation. I have insight, I have intuition. I have a way of getting on with people (that doesn't mean sleeping with them), I have a relationship building persona, a bridge-builder, a peace-maker, a result-driven way of working that before just got lost in the miasma of everything else.

And you know what?

Until you came along - the bad outweighed the good. The negative shouted louder than the positive. Everything I did I felt I had to apologise for. I was too ambitious, to the detriment of everything else. Too driven, so much so that no-one else got a look-in for fear of being run down. Too outspoken, dominant (ha), self-opinionated, educated, selfish, spoiled. The adjectives rolled on and on. And always, in the background - you are never good enough. Never showing 'the potential you showed'. Never as 'good as you ought to have been'

Well now - swivel you naysayers. I am proving my potential, I am reaching into every bit of expensive education that I have been given and you know why? Because someone has held my hand, held my legs, held my face and told me 'yes you can do it and I am behind you every step of the way' And each night I come home to Him, he is there again, with hugs and praise and help and advice and solace and love.

To wait 35 years to understand the meaning of 'I'm proud of you' seems a lifetime but right now, it just seems amazing.

Thank you daddy. I love you xxxx

Strange silence - happy memories

I'm sitting in your house, breathing in your smell, looking at your things, remembering our times. You're not here but the happiness of just being back somewhere I consider to be my most chilled place ever is immense. Oh I wish you were here, no doubt about that but actually the physicality of just being here is making me feel relaxed. Strange that. I can't stop smiling - looking at the sofa (remembering being bent over being caned by you, or practicing flogging, or wrapped up in a towel looking at you with trepidation or, more usually, blissed out spaciness), the stairs (running up them to go to bed so we can snuggle), the dining room table (just :-) as you know), your bed (happy mornings, happy evenings, wonderful nights), even your kitchen where I make us food.

Funny how something so normal as being in your house can make my heart beat just a little bit faster. But the main thing is how many happy memories are tied up here already (by my life my boy) and how many more are yet to come.

I love you daddy and I can't wait to see you tomorrow xxxxxx

First....

....needles

....knives

....collar

....spanking

....party

...chillies (first and only!)

...nails (yours and mine)

...tsunami of squirting (*blush*)

...nipple enjoyment

...violet wand

....breath play

...tattoo

....cut(s)

...absolute peace

...whip

...cane

...deep bliss

...sub space

....year

Wow.

And what a year it's been. It's gone so fast yet so much has happened. There's been some wobbles from me and so much support from you. There's been accidents in the kitchen - yours, Eve's - all involving me! There's been trips to London, to dinner, to friends, to clubs. There's been you and me enjoying just being with music, TV and the papers. There's been work and stress and tears and frustration. There's been pain (not of the good sort), there's been laughter.

But most of all there's been you. Always there with a calming hand, a gentle word, a complete understanding of things. I know I keep saying it but thank you so much for everything you have done and continue to do. For all the things we do together and all the things yet to come - thank you.

I love you daddy xxxxxxx

PS Next year will be even better!

PS Inadvertent bruising

You know how I love my marks - I wear them, enjoy them, wince at them and glow with pride at them. And bruises are up there with the best marks. This weekend, no impact play. Oh no - much more intense and collected than that. But I've still got bruises :-D Fronts of my thighs, up near the region, from where I was probably grinding into the table. So not only can I take a 'monkey shower' and grin from the inside out, but also every time I pull my pants down I can see the bruises at the front and it transports me straight back. Table, towel, you, me, 60 needles, blood, horn, love.

xxxxxx

Loss of control

It's been another amazing weekend chez you and me although actually it was 4 whole nights and almost 4 whole days. A treat. An oasis in a confusing, worrying and challenging time for me. I can't even begin to sum up how incredibly relaxed you make me feel - as if there is nothing else happening in the world but you and me.

Wednesday
I can't really remember Wednesday night because of what has come since but I have a feeling that we were supposed to go to sleep but we didn't cos we got horny instead :-D I do remember your strong, beautiful hands around my throat, you playing with my nipples, me finding your cock and then a deep relaxed sleep.

Thursday
Waking up next to you - you horny I seem to remember. Bliss. Bread baking in the kitchen! The trauma with your car in the evening. Not so good. Being together. Perfect

Friday
Evening out with dinner and work chats, champagne and little comments that I loved from you, a tap on the bum, a tangle of fingers under the table. Again, a sleep like no other - peaceful.

Saturday
You didn't go where you were supposed to go. I felt guilty but I felt so immensely pleased and thrilled and honoured and privileged all at the same time. We spent a happy (domestic bliss) day together.

The evening. Roast chicken with roast potatoes that I know you love. Cooking for you makes me happy.

Then click - our collar is put around my neck. "That's better you say" I get up and kiss you, quivering in anticipation. "Go and have a shower" No hesitation on my part.

Then downstairs again. Table is cleared, your knives are out, there are towels on the table. You peel off my towel. I'm suddenly embarrassed about being naked in front of you although I know I have to be. This doesn't work when I have the security of clothes.

"Bend over the table, pretend you are diving" you say. Immediately I respond. "Good girl" you say, I melt. Gently you start to stroke my back, my bottom and my thighs. You take a knife and draw it slowly slowly down my spine. It feels amazing and soothing, cathartic, right. Patterns, angles, points, the flat side (oh god the noise of the flat side). I feel myself drifting but conscious of my breathing, of the towel under my face which smells of you, of the fact that I am getting wet already.

Then "pop". I know that sound. "I'm going to make pretty patterns on your back" you say. I whimper but in an encouraging way - not a moan, more a eager, anticipatory sound. And then you start. Hot sharp point, strange icy feeling as the needle goes under my skin then warmth as it settles. And again, and again, and again. "Pop" goes the packaging, your big hand calming me as you carefully place each needle. "Are you okay my darling?" you say occasionally but mostly there is silence apart from your breathing, my breathing and my occasional yelps as a needle just pierces (deeper? across a nerve?) my skin.

The patterns you are making I am sure are a butterfly - a long body down my spine and then curves at the top. I concentrate hard on how it feels, how it feels to be under your spell and your command, how my body feels when I am not in control, how my mind races but is also calm. I concentrate on the warmth on my back and the heat between my legs. I concentrate on the towel under my face, on twisting my fingers together when it hurts, on stretching my leg to stop the muscles quivering.

Then suddenly you have a finger in my cunt. Or your thumb. And I'm aching for this. I'm sure the noises that come out of my mouth are more gutteral now, more animal - just base feeling. You push and fuck me with your finger, willing me to come. And then it happens and I'm aware that not only am I wet, I am dripping wet. I can feel it inside my thighs. I'm embarrassed, ashamed but also deliciously humiliated. You do this to me. I never do this. You have my body and my mind and at your touch my body betrays my mind. And then again. You push inside me hard and I lose control of all feeling as I whimper and moan and say "no" and sob without tears. I'm dripping wet, down my legs, onto my feet. I can't imagine I will ever stand up again. But then you haven't finished yet as you push again into me "come for me my baby, come" and again I do. I can smell the heat and lust in the room and feel my face burning. It is incredible.

You scratch and scratch and I never want it to end as I feel the fire on my back, my thighs. Mmmmmm.

Photos - thank you.



Then it's fast forward as the needles come out, the blood is wiped away, we have hugs, I try to focus and comprehend what has just happened. You look radiant and handsome and pleased and exhausted.

"6 needles" you say. "6?" I question thinking there must have been at least 20. "Well, times that 6 by 10" you chuckle. Wow. 60 needles in my back? You put 60 needles in my back?

God did it feel good.

Speech took a long time to come back, as did focus and the use of my limbs. I just wanted to sit by your chair with my head on your hand and breathe you in. So I did.

And when sleep came, when we were curled up around each other, the glow inside just spread and spread and I am sure I went to sleep with a grin. And I woke up with an even bigger one.


The morning after


What we have is incredibly rewarding and amazing. I love you sounds too little for how I feel about you. The things you do for me (practically) I cannot thank you enough. The way you love me, care for me, treat me, play with me, touch me, kiss me, hold me - thank you.

I love you daddy xxxx

It's my birthday and I'll fly if I want to

you came to see me - at home, in my house :-D you nearly didn't cos plans changed and then changed back

you clicked our collar around my neck

you put my dressing gown cord around my wrists

you laid me down on my dining room table

you let me see your knives laid out like soldiers waiting for the battle cry


you stuck 40 needles into my back, either side of my spine



you wound your pretty red ribbon around in a corset pattern




you used your knives on my skin - cold and hot, bliss and pain

you took photos

you stood me up - I couldn't focus

you took more photos

you looked into my eyes

I am so in love with you xxxxx