Is it me?

I've been a bit grumpy over the last 24 hours. Blame giving up smoking. Blame new year's eve blues. Christ, blame Gordon Brown even. But it's got me thinking - is it me?

This is how my head has been since last night. No edits, no softly softly approach. Apologies therefore if it appears harsh.

Is it me?
New Year's Eve - I made a real effort to arrive at yours as I think you would appreciate me. Immaculate for want of a better description. Nails done, hair done, hold-ups, a skirt even, heels, collar. Ready for you to realise the amazing work that you have put in to make me realise what it is that I have been missing. And we had a fab evening - dinner, chat. It felt like a date that just went swimmingly well. Free house (no lodger), reason to celebrate. And I couldn't wait for dinner to be over - for you to just look at me and for me to understand that we were going to play. No barriers, no tiredness, no excuses. But it didn't happen. I was disappointed - I cuddled up next to you just in a basque and hold-ups I had so lovingly prepared and you held me and kissed me and we went to sleep. Perfection of sorts just not the scenario I had played out in my mind on the 1.5 hour journey to see my dom, my daddy.

The next morning - great sex. No question - you are inside my mind 100%. I can now cum just because you say "cum baby". Wow. Not sure what trickery you have employed but WOW. Absolutely amazing. Thank you. Hope you enjoyed it too because it was lovely.

Then, a fantastic 'us' day. In town, enjoying each other's company, seeing the New Year in in London Town. And I loved it 'cos I was with you and you knew your way around and it was just perfect. No smoking either.

Home. Together. Just being. And all the time I was waiting, hoping you might suddenly spring something on me. Something unexpected. But knowing too that the 'do me' sub is the most unattractive of all. Suddenly communication failed me. I wanted so desperately for you to put me where you wanted me, or do I mean, put me where I wanted to be. Tied up? Helpless? Submissive? At the mercy of your striking hand, your sadistic nature? To play together, to explore, to enjoy. I seem to have been waiting a while but again, I would hate you to think this is all about play because it's not. D/s doesn't need tools, ammunition and a kit bag. But it seems an age since you grabbed my face, put your arm around my throat, even looked at me with that steely glare you are so brilliant at. Tiredness, health, time of the month, situation. All comes into play and I understand it - I really do. But 1st January seemed to be a perfect opportunity for a bit of debauchery. But it didn't come.

So we went to bed. Second night together. Me pissed off but rationalising all the time - we don't need play to cement who we are. We are perfect together - get over it. He's tired or just not in the mood - it doesn't matter. But it took me 2 hours to get to sleep. Maybe it was the nicotine withdrawal, maybe the start of the new year. Whatever it was it got me thinking, it got me writing in my head. If my computer had been next to me, this post would have been far more raw. "He doesn't fancy me." "The chase is better than the kill" "Treat 'em mean, Keep 'em keen" "He's teaching me a lesson" "He can't be arsed" "He doesn't get anything out of it anyway - far better to let me do all the running"

Woke up and just wanted out. Felt like my emotional state was too precarious for a long, languishing morning in bed. Just wanted to remove myself from the way that I felt. So I became businesslike, an automatum. Coffee, hugs, out. I'm sorry but I just couldn't pretend any more.

Home now. A million emotions swilling around my head.

And even as I re-read this it doesn't begin to communicate how I feel about you and about us. Play is secondary to anything we have together - D/s is inherent in everything that I do. But as I am new to this, all I can feel right now is that you just don't want to. Don't want to tie me up because you've done it a million times before with an unspecified number of women. Don't want to get the knives out because, you know, it's just painting by numbers. Don't want to set in motion something that you know the outcome of, that is just mundanity to you. Your defence? I can hear it now, I can understand it and boy can I feel it - why do we need to 'play' when what we have is so lovely? But, and this is raw truth my love, if I wanted a vanilla relationship and all that that entails, I have a myriad of options. One of the reasons I am with you, I am working with you, is that I absolutely sense the D/s dynamic between us. Always. 24/7. But for me that includes pain and submission and tears and struggle and dominance and, yes, some kit. I don't want to be the whinge-ing sub "but we never play" You've been there. That is not me. But by not doing anything, it just plays on my insecurities. And they are not good - you know them, you understand them. You know me better than anyone has EVER EVER EVER known me. And yet still, you let me go today - a bundle of 'why' and 'what' and 'oh bugger...."

I love you but I need to know what's going through your mind as you know EVERYTHING that is going through mine.

xxx