And at last it comes

It's been a crazy few weeks, not least because you've been in hospital and the long awaited release of the pain actually hasn't quite happened like that. I'm sorry because I know you were looking forward to at least getting some respite. I really hope that more can be done.

So. What's happened to my blog writing? It seems my writing mojo got up and went a bit. Work has been going great with accolades all round but the gravy train is running out of juice and I seriously need to look at my finances for August and September. I think it's that that has been stopping me writing because suddenly real life loomed large.

Two weekends ago. I can still remember the pain, the panic, the anger, the confusion and the frustration. The chilli.

It started so innocuously really. The gorgeousness of your knives, the rustling in bags, the needles even. But oh god did that hurt. It started small and got bigger and bigger and bigger. Tears pricked my ears, hands clasped the duvet, expletives were uttered, realities were in absolute focus. This has to stop and it has to stop now. But it couldn't could it? Even the liberal yoghurt application appeared not to be working. Panic. Pain. Anger. Annoyance. Cold emotions. Not happy one little bit. I told you I hated you - at that moment I meant it. I wasn't getting a high from this, this was not how everything else we have done was like. This was horrible and I hated it.

I started to climb down the other side. You were there although I thought you were panicking about my response and had underestimated my ability to cope. Now I know neither of these statements is true but I still remember how my head felt. The heat subsided inch by painful inch until I realised it had gone. And then BOOM. My head went loopy. I had got through it. With no dignity and grace I have to admit - I was a pain in the backside (or the cunt actually) and I was a bit ashamed of how I had felt.

For the first time we properly analysed what had happened and as we talked, I became aware of grinding myself into the bed, of getting wet, of thinking about it properly. What it actually meant over and above the searing burning horrible pain. I let you do it because I trust you. You did it because you knew I was ready and could take it. I did it to please you, you did it to please me, we did it to please each other. As ever, the circle was rounded and complete.

I can't remember the details of the weekend and I apologise for that because I have taken too long to write this down but that evening will stay with me forever. Wow.

This weekend was special. Two parts of my life together in the same small garden in Somerset for the first time. Happy happy evening of revelations, of discussions, of being so proud to be by your side and to be yours. The sun, the beer, the leg on your lap as you stroked my foot. Happy happy evening.

I love you daddy.

xxxxxx