black

blackness.

reality.

realisation.

naivety.

innocence.

all shot to pieces. feel stupid and worthless, blind and insecure. used. tormented. mocked.

i never thought I'd say this about you. I feel unprotected, undesired and unloved.

it will take time, we will work this out, we will start again, we will re-build. but it will take time.

i'm gasping for breath but not in a good way, I'm drowning in emotion but not yours (although of your making), I'm choking in disgust and self-loathing, in fear and reality, in insecurity and animosity, in distrust and trepidation.

17 months of bliss. Now shattered and torn apart.

what was real? what was fantasy? what was ours (yours and mine not yours and hers)? what belonged to us and was of our making not fuelling fantasy elsewhere?

i'm angry but more than that I'm disappointed. pedestals of ice - easily melted in the heat of desire. I should heed my own words - don't cry over someone that makes you cry.

ps it isn't about changing passwords, being discreet, creeping around. it's about being fucking honest.