Feeling used

There are several men in my life, some of whom I've been sexual with and some of whom I might have hinted at possibly being sexual with in the future (had I not met the love of my life who I want to be with forever). They're nice in their own way - not nice enough for me ever to have pursued anything serious or long-term with but, ya know, nice enough. In fact, let's turn that round - nice enough but not nice enough for any of them to have pursued me further than trying for a quick grope in a dark alley.

What fucks me off the most is that 99% of them are married. Yup. Committed, in a relationship, married. Yet - to a man - when they see me / contact me they expect some sexual gratification. And I don't mean necessarily physical - just a text or a nod to say "yes, I know you're horny" These men are cunts. These men want nothing more than a cheap thrill with a girl they think is easy. What the fuck do I get out of "send me a picture of your tits" or "oh god I'm imagining you sucking my cock". I might be horny, I might be easy and sexually liberated but I'm not fucking stupid. Sex is a two - way thing. You want gratification? Look at porn. Don't bother me. I'm not a whore. I'm a filthy dirty slut for one man only - my love - so the rest of you - JUST FUCK OFF.

Pain

I love you so much it hurts to breathe, it hurts to stop breathing. I'm completely head over heels. It's not a good feeling - it's a panicky feeling. What happens if I get hurt? I can't stop myself feeling like this but it's as if every word that you say, that you text, that you don't say are bubbles of oxygen getting me through the next few minutes. This can't be healthy this feeling. I don't want to be needy to be insecure but we've had an issue - an ex issue and a trust issue - and it isn't resolved.

I need you to know how I feel about you. How I would do anything for you, how I would always be there for you. In times of trouble, depression, anxiety, stress, pleasure and pain. I want to be by your side. I need you to trust that I will be there when you fall and I will catch you and put you back together again and make you whole.

i love your humour, your intelligence, your diverse knowledge, your outlook, your comprehension. I love your face, your eyes that look so sad, your body, your cock. I love how you wrap me up in your arms and tell me I look hot when I am naked bar your mambo hoody. I love that when we sleep, we touch.

I don't know what is going to happen and I feel out of control - my emotions are driving my rational side. This never happens to me. I can look back and say 'it's only two months, actions speak louder than words, I've met your friends and your dad' but I can also look back and say 'what is she doing to us? why are you speaking to her? what do you want from her? what do you want from me? can I give you everything you need and want?'

However much I want you and I want us I can't make you feel the same. I'm just going to have to wait and see and try to enjoy as we start out on this journey.

I'm in love with you Jonny and it hurts.

The way of the world

As I ponder an imminent birthday my mind turns to that which we deem important and that which others deem vital.

I've only ever really wanted one simple thing and that is - honesty. Honesty in what I want (he wants), honesty in what I ask for (he asks for) and honesty in what I deliver (he delivers). It seems really straightforward right? To fulfil promises, to deliver on whispers sent, to complete on missives delivered.

And now I have that. Now I can trust that every word spoken equals an action delivered, a promise fulfilled, a treat decreed. What a feeling! To know that once spoken, the words become unbreakable promises - actions that will exist in the near future.

I feel more fulfilled now than ever before, happier than ever imagined, satisfied beyond doubt. I'm me but with an added element of him. Good stuff - honest, truthful, sincere and 100% genuine. Thank goodness for the way of the world.