Sunday, 24 August 2008
Monday, 18 August 2008
At peace?
I'm so happy. Didn't think I'd write that 2 months ago but I am. Beginning to feel confident in my skin again, realising that shit happens but so do good things. Definitely beginning to see through the fog and realising that oblivion is not preferable to clarity. I think my "I am just a hedonist - so shoot me" line is a defence mechanism. I know that my need to alter my reality is not a need but a desire and one which I can control. And control is exactly where I am going.
What conversations we have had! I admitted last night that I have never been so honest, open or analytical before. As an 18 year old life happened while I went along for the ride. As a 28 year old life happened and I railed against it. Now, as I come up to being 34 (woohoo) I have come to the peaceful happy conclusion that life happens, I have an impact on that life but also I am not at the mercy of my insecurity or my lack of will power or my outwardly facing persona. Life happens because I make it happen. And I just need to make some decent choices, look at where I want to be, point the bow there and move the tiller accordingly.
I am extraordinarily lucky in that the set of characteristics that I was born with and that I have honed over the last 33 years actually are ok. I can write and in doing so I can make a living. I need need need to focus more. I have coasted a bit over the last couple of years - in fact, the truth is I have always coasted and I have been flukey in my success. Other people might not have managed to achieve what I have even if they worked twice as hard. I have my own little fledging business that needs work and I have clients that expect, demand and pay for results. Remember this Sarah.
Personal life. Aaaah. Now there's a thing. Searching always for that elusive buzz has left me wanting and has definitely left me feeling less confident and happy. Take a rest, see what happens and guess what? It falls in my lap!! BIG BIG GRIN. Can't wait to see what the future holds in that respect - I know I'm going to be dragged kicking and screaming through my conscience, through my darkest deepest thoughts but ultimately I am going to emerge, smile on my lips, warmth in my heart and stripes on my bottom a happier, more connected and secure female. What a lovely feeling - to be standing on the precipice with my hand firmly held. I feel stronger already. I know I don't need someone else for my happiness but it is an amazing feeling to know that someone wants to be there. Someone I can lean on, look up to, learn from, bounce ideas off and ultimately please. Happy girly xxx
What conversations we have had! I admitted last night that I have never been so honest, open or analytical before. As an 18 year old life happened while I went along for the ride. As a 28 year old life happened and I railed against it. Now, as I come up to being 34 (woohoo) I have come to the peaceful happy conclusion that life happens, I have an impact on that life but also I am not at the mercy of my insecurity or my lack of will power or my outwardly facing persona. Life happens because I make it happen. And I just need to make some decent choices, look at where I want to be, point the bow there and move the tiller accordingly.
I am extraordinarily lucky in that the set of characteristics that I was born with and that I have honed over the last 33 years actually are ok. I can write and in doing so I can make a living. I need need need to focus more. I have coasted a bit over the last couple of years - in fact, the truth is I have always coasted and I have been flukey in my success. Other people might not have managed to achieve what I have even if they worked twice as hard. I have my own little fledging business that needs work and I have clients that expect, demand and pay for results. Remember this Sarah.
Personal life. Aaaah. Now there's a thing. Searching always for that elusive buzz has left me wanting and has definitely left me feeling less confident and happy. Take a rest, see what happens and guess what? It falls in my lap!! BIG BIG GRIN. Can't wait to see what the future holds in that respect - I know I'm going to be dragged kicking and screaming through my conscience, through my darkest deepest thoughts but ultimately I am going to emerge, smile on my lips, warmth in my heart and stripes on my bottom a happier, more connected and secure female. What a lovely feeling - to be standing on the precipice with my hand firmly held. I feel stronger already. I know I don't need someone else for my happiness but it is an amazing feeling to know that someone wants to be there. Someone I can lean on, look up to, learn from, bounce ideas off and ultimately please. Happy girly xxx
Thursday, 14 August 2008
The dream from which I never wanted to wake up
This was a couple of nights ago but even thinking about it now makes me stretch luxuriously like a cat and purr softly.
So. The dream.
I was on a train, old fashioned first class carriage with almost private compartments and velour seats, smelling slightly of smoke. It seemed to be a long train journey - I remember thinking that I'd finished all my newspapers, my laptop battery had run out and I was bored. My mind started drifting a bit when we pulled into a station. Just one person got on and he came into my carriage, giving me a quick glance as he settled opposite me. I didn't look up immediately when he sat down but as soon as I did I realised he was a tall, handsome, older man with a naughty glint in his eye. He looked familiar but I turned it over in my brain and came to the conclusion that he just looked like a tall, handsome, older man - the type I fancied from afar and who gave me butterflies.
I dozed. I leant against the window and day dreamed about what would happen if I let my knees fall apart so the man opposite could see straight up my skirt and straight to my waxed pussy. I day dreamed whether he would be able to see me getting wet at the thought of dropping to my knees in front of him, and without saying a word, started sucking his cock. I obviously smiled even though my eyes were shut as I heard a little low chuckle from the other side of the carriage. I kept my eyes closed but the tension was palpable. Could he tell that my heart was beating a little faster? Did he know I was a complete slut and was thinking about how good his cock would taste? Had he worked out that the flush that was spreading over my face and chest was all due to him.
Finally he spoke. And all he said was "good girl" and as I opened my eyes to look at him, I realised he had opened his flies and his cock was hard. And I knew exactly what I had to do, what I wanted to do, as I almost fell off my seat straight onto my knees in front of him. And as I took his cock in my mouth and heard his breath quicken, I glanced up with what I know is my most mischeivous look. And he stroked the top of my head, guiding me strongly onto his cock, making sure my lips never left the job at hand.
I felt like a dying man taking his last drink as I eagerly, hungrily sucked and licked, using my hands on his balls and making sure that I did my absolute best because I knew he'd expect it. Then he grabbed my hair in his hand, twisting it round 'til it hurt my head and I could feel it almost ripping out of my scalp. This just spurred me on even more to suck and tease his cock. And then he forced my head down and I was gagging, and I could feel bile coming up and tears running down my face as his cock banged against the back of my throat. And then he came, holding my head in place. I could hardly breathe but could taste his cum in my mouth - delicious. And then he withdrew and I knew he wanted to see that I was grateful for his cum so I showed him my open mouth before happily swallowing my prize.
And I rested my head on his knee as he put his cock away, before he stroked my face and said "my baby". The next minute we were pulling into a station, he had jumped up and gone.
I was left, on my knees in the empty carriage. My pussy throbbing, aching to be touched, dripping wet. My face red, my mouth full of the taste of cum, my head tingling where my hair had been pulled, tears still pricking my eyes. And I smiled and stretched and felt secure, happy, fulfilled and at peace - exactly the way I felt when I woke up.
Yum
xxxx
So. The dream.
I was on a train, old fashioned first class carriage with almost private compartments and velour seats, smelling slightly of smoke. It seemed to be a long train journey - I remember thinking that I'd finished all my newspapers, my laptop battery had run out and I was bored. My mind started drifting a bit when we pulled into a station. Just one person got on and he came into my carriage, giving me a quick glance as he settled opposite me. I didn't look up immediately when he sat down but as soon as I did I realised he was a tall, handsome, older man with a naughty glint in his eye. He looked familiar but I turned it over in my brain and came to the conclusion that he just looked like a tall, handsome, older man - the type I fancied from afar and who gave me butterflies.
I dozed. I leant against the window and day dreamed about what would happen if I let my knees fall apart so the man opposite could see straight up my skirt and straight to my waxed pussy. I day dreamed whether he would be able to see me getting wet at the thought of dropping to my knees in front of him, and without saying a word, started sucking his cock. I obviously smiled even though my eyes were shut as I heard a little low chuckle from the other side of the carriage. I kept my eyes closed but the tension was palpable. Could he tell that my heart was beating a little faster? Did he know I was a complete slut and was thinking about how good his cock would taste? Had he worked out that the flush that was spreading over my face and chest was all due to him.
Finally he spoke. And all he said was "good girl" and as I opened my eyes to look at him, I realised he had opened his flies and his cock was hard. And I knew exactly what I had to do, what I wanted to do, as I almost fell off my seat straight onto my knees in front of him. And as I took his cock in my mouth and heard his breath quicken, I glanced up with what I know is my most mischeivous look. And he stroked the top of my head, guiding me strongly onto his cock, making sure my lips never left the job at hand.
I felt like a dying man taking his last drink as I eagerly, hungrily sucked and licked, using my hands on his balls and making sure that I did my absolute best because I knew he'd expect it. Then he grabbed my hair in his hand, twisting it round 'til it hurt my head and I could feel it almost ripping out of my scalp. This just spurred me on even more to suck and tease his cock. And then he forced my head down and I was gagging, and I could feel bile coming up and tears running down my face as his cock banged against the back of my throat. And then he came, holding my head in place. I could hardly breathe but could taste his cum in my mouth - delicious. And then he withdrew and I knew he wanted to see that I was grateful for his cum so I showed him my open mouth before happily swallowing my prize.
And I rested my head on his knee as he put his cock away, before he stroked my face and said "my baby". The next minute we were pulling into a station, he had jumped up and gone.
I was left, on my knees in the empty carriage. My pussy throbbing, aching to be touched, dripping wet. My face red, my mouth full of the taste of cum, my head tingling where my hair had been pulled, tears still pricking my eyes. And I smiled and stretched and felt secure, happy, fulfilled and at peace - exactly the way I felt when I woke up.
Yum
xxxx
Tuesday, 5 August 2008
Monday, 4 August 2008
And so it begins
When you're least expecting something. When your defences are down. When you're resigning yourself to a lifetime of mediocre dating, drunken shags and unfulfillment. Who could have predicted this one??
My initial forays into the scene had introduced me to some of the THE characters, the big cheeses. Danny (who clearly I have mentioned before), Warlock (met at Hades), The Edge (met at Dark) and also David. David is a big guy and my initial reaction when I met him in Nov 07 was one of slight awe but also of complete comfort as he made me grin, made me feel comfortable in what was essentially a totally alien environment. That first night at Hades will stick in my memory forever - not for the things I witnessed, more for the utter acceptance of me by the people I met.
At Dark in April, when I was bent over and on show, it was David who sat and talked to Tim. I couldn't hear what they were saying but every fibre of me wanted it to be Tim saying " Take her she's yours" - which of course didn't happen and I felt a bit guilty even thinking it but then by April I already knew this relationship was doomed.
Fast forward to 31st July and a series of seemingly innocent exchanges via IC and then it all came out - in a kind of rush of "thank fuck for that" as actually I admitted that I've been thinking about him ever since I met him (and seemingly vice versa). Well - there you go!!!
Two things stick in my mind:
He likes me - woohoo
Bloody hell what the hell is going to happen to me now?
I feel like I can properly put on my boots and start this journey. Everything I have learned about myself should stand me in good stead but already, after two late night conversations, he has invaded my thoughts and my conscience. Last night, after speaking for a while, my mind was whirring. I couldn't sleep but I was tired, I didn't want to lie down but physically I couldn't stand up and the images and thoughts going around and around were vivid, and dark and exciting and thrilling. And was I wet?? As if he'd actually been there in the room. And his voice - makes me think of dark melted chocolate and already I feel like I never want it to stop.
So - what are my expectations and what am I looking for?
To please, serve and adore
To be looked after - before during and after
To be used and broken, to be pushed and pushed and then held tight
To make him proud
To experience life and thoughts through his eyes
To take control of my raging horny streak and hand it over for his control
Who know's where I'm going but boy am I going to enjoy it. As I said to David, in my usual gung-ho manner, Bring It On.
(whimper)
xxx
My initial forays into the scene had introduced me to some of the THE characters, the big cheeses. Danny (who clearly I have mentioned before), Warlock (met at Hades), The Edge (met at Dark) and also David. David is a big guy and my initial reaction when I met him in Nov 07 was one of slight awe but also of complete comfort as he made me grin, made me feel comfortable in what was essentially a totally alien environment. That first night at Hades will stick in my memory forever - not for the things I witnessed, more for the utter acceptance of me by the people I met.
At Dark in April, when I was bent over and on show, it was David who sat and talked to Tim. I couldn't hear what they were saying but every fibre of me wanted it to be Tim saying " Take her she's yours" - which of course didn't happen and I felt a bit guilty even thinking it but then by April I already knew this relationship was doomed.
Fast forward to 31st July and a series of seemingly innocent exchanges via IC and then it all came out - in a kind of rush of "thank fuck for that" as actually I admitted that I've been thinking about him ever since I met him (and seemingly vice versa). Well - there you go!!!
Two things stick in my mind:
He likes me - woohoo
Bloody hell what the hell is going to happen to me now?
I feel like I can properly put on my boots and start this journey. Everything I have learned about myself should stand me in good stead but already, after two late night conversations, he has invaded my thoughts and my conscience. Last night, after speaking for a while, my mind was whirring. I couldn't sleep but I was tired, I didn't want to lie down but physically I couldn't stand up and the images and thoughts going around and around were vivid, and dark and exciting and thrilling. And was I wet?? As if he'd actually been there in the room. And his voice - makes me think of dark melted chocolate and already I feel like I never want it to stop.
So - what are my expectations and what am I looking for?
To please, serve and adore
To be looked after - before during and after
To be used and broken, to be pushed and pushed and then held tight
To make him proud
To experience life and thoughts through his eyes
To take control of my raging horny streak and hand it over for his control
Who know's where I'm going but boy am I going to enjoy it. As I said to David, in my usual gung-ho manner, Bring It On.
(whimper)
xxx
Tuesday, 29 July 2008
Five months, a world of difference
Wow. I've just read back through my posts which has been fascinating. Seeing the development of things and details. Very interesting.
Recap - April 19th went to Dark in London with Tim. D was there along with others from the scene who I know now. Spent most of the night bent over while Tim went to work with the crop and the paddle. Got right into subspace for the first time which was like being high on weed. A lovely feeling. Was beaten and beaten - on the St Andrews Cross, on the horse. Really good fun and painful.
And that was the beginning of the end with Tim. His anger issues threatened to take over our relationship, I sent him away to get help, he tried, we tried but on 19th June he assaulted me. That's it then. Game over.
And now? Now I'm back yearning for some love and attention. I pulled a fantastically fit beautiful gorgeous vanilla bar man and we spent about 2 weeks fucking. Then he backed off. I suspect he can see a neediness in me that isn't at first apparent as I am so independent and "confident". I think he's gorgeous but that's it.
Recap - April 19th went to Dark in London with Tim. D was there along with others from the scene who I know now. Spent most of the night bent over while Tim went to work with the crop and the paddle. Got right into subspace for the first time which was like being high on weed. A lovely feeling. Was beaten and beaten - on the St Andrews Cross, on the horse. Really good fun and painful.
And that was the beginning of the end with Tim. His anger issues threatened to take over our relationship, I sent him away to get help, he tried, we tried but on 19th June he assaulted me. That's it then. Game over.
And now? Now I'm back yearning for some love and attention. I pulled a fantastically fit beautiful gorgeous vanilla bar man and we spent about 2 weeks fucking. Then he backed off. I suspect he can see a neediness in me that isn't at first apparent as I am so independent and "confident". I think he's gorgeous but that's it.
Tuesday, 12 February 2008
OMG - I'm now part of a couple...
....and in a strange twist of fate, the love of my life is TIM. My friend Tim. My work partner Tim. The man who has been my confidante through a strange few months. The man who I respect so much because he is him and because, although he is sensitive to the core, he is also tough, tenacious, passionate, driven and utterly gorgeous.
My meet with furry boy was ok but the whole evening I spent thinking about Tim. About the way he holds me, the way he looks at me and the way he connects with my mind and heart. And when I got back from London, Tim came to stay. And basically never left.
Boy has it been fiery! But boy has it been fantastic. And I know I said he was vanilla, but what vanilla boy do you know that immediately gets hard as soon as he tells me to kneel at his feet? Or who gets a rush of horn just by picking up a plastic fish slice? Or who can manage to get inside my head so much that I am unable to orgasm unless he gives me the command? Or who only needs to look at me and my knees melt.
We're working together, we're loving together, we're planning together. We have our moments - great big screaming moments - but I REALLY REALLY WANT THIS TO WORK. I love him with all my heart and I want to be with him forever. Through the bad moments and the good. I respect him, I love him and I fancy him like fuck.
Thank you boy for being there xxxxxxxxxx
My meet with furry boy was ok but the whole evening I spent thinking about Tim. About the way he holds me, the way he looks at me and the way he connects with my mind and heart. And when I got back from London, Tim came to stay. And basically never left.
Boy has it been fiery! But boy has it been fantastic. And I know I said he was vanilla, but what vanilla boy do you know that immediately gets hard as soon as he tells me to kneel at his feet? Or who gets a rush of horn just by picking up a plastic fish slice? Or who can manage to get inside my head so much that I am unable to orgasm unless he gives me the command? Or who only needs to look at me and my knees melt.
We're working together, we're loving together, we're planning together. We have our moments - great big screaming moments - but I REALLY REALLY WANT THIS TO WORK. I love him with all my heart and I want to be with him forever. Through the bad moments and the good. I respect him, I love him and I fancy him like fuck.
Thank you boy for being there xxxxxxxxxx
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
