black

blackness.

reality.

realisation.

naivety.

innocence.

all shot to pieces. feel stupid and worthless, blind and insecure. used. tormented. mocked.

i never thought I'd say this about you. I feel unprotected, undesired and unloved.

it will take time, we will work this out, we will start again, we will re-build. but it will take time.

i'm gasping for breath but not in a good way, I'm drowning in emotion but not yours (although of your making), I'm choking in disgust and self-loathing, in fear and reality, in insecurity and animosity, in distrust and trepidation.

17 months of bliss. Now shattered and torn apart.

what was real? what was fantasy? what was ours (yours and mine not yours and hers)? what belonged to us and was of our making not fuelling fantasy elsewhere?

i'm angry but more than that I'm disappointed. pedestals of ice - easily melted in the heat of desire. I should heed my own words - don't cry over someone that makes you cry.

ps it isn't about changing passwords, being discreet, creeping around. it's about being fucking honest.

Making love

You've said it a couple of times since we've been together.

I've never said it.

I've never understood it, let alone said it.

I've never believed it, felt it, understood it or said it.

Until now.

Until you and me.

And on Saturday night, and on the previous few nights, I finally felt a part of 'making love', I finally understood and embraced what it means, how it feels, how it tastes, how it smells. And god is it amazing.

Thank you darling xxxx

This weekend was incredible, amazing, lovely, silly, fun, wicked, naughty, innocent, brilliant.

Every time I'm with you I fall in love with you just a little bit more.

We laughed, we grimaced, we whispered, we hugged, we ate, we watched, we enjoyed. Above all we enjoyed.

The montage/collage:
Me wearing your collar -phwoooooar the way you say those words
Corsets for dinner
Watching the sea together
Starbucks away from the cold
The shower
The stockings
The innocuous/inconspicuous/inconsequential black thing - wooooooah!
The way you smell, the way you walk, the way you look after me
Breakfast
Togetherness
Inka tattoos - the nervousness, the banter, AWESOME, the silence, the strangeness, the fear, the pleasure, the result
The car wash, the giggles, the viaduct, the recording studio
The drunken passes, the embarrassment, the uncertainty, the lust (!) the enjoyment
The sea (again)
The pain, the nurofen, the lack of sleep, the worry, the despair, the desire to take it all away from you

And always - me and you. us. our love, our pleasure, our enjoyment.

You make love to me in the way you look at me, the way you worry about me, the way you touch me, hold me, enjoy me.

I can't put into words how much I love you (but I can try :-D)

I love you daddy xxxxx

Thank you for everything xxxx

All you did

all you did was stroke my face

and then you held my cheek and kissed my mouth and grasped my hair

and then you held me close and made you yours and held my throat, and covered my mouth and kissed me so deeply I thought I was going to suffocate with pleasure.

all you did is everything that I want.

thank you daddy - I love you so much xxx

Three little words

Three little words.
Words that mean so much - that have power even when whispered, that have strength even when written.
Three little words.

Close your eyes.

Open your legs.

My baby girl.

Keep very still.

Do not move.

Cum for daddy.

Open your mouth.

I understand you.

I need you.

I trust you.

I love you.
I love you.
I love you.

The Twelve Days of Christmas

On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me:
A night out in Birmingham! With needles through my nipples, a fantastic staple corset on both arms, a double flogging session with you and the evil one, some knives, lots and lots of giggles, wearing my collar in public, ice cubes in inappropriate places, the first outing of the sparkly red shoes and a fantastic orgasm that I helped with the next morning. Oh and snow! Lots and lots of snow. Wow what a first day.

On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me:
Support, love, care, a shoulder, an ear - just unconditional love

On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me:
An amazing patent leather pink handbag that I had coveted, mentioned once and then relegated to the distant "I'll never be able to afford that" shelf in my brain. Wow again!

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me:
Some fantastic presents that made my little girl grin from ear to ear. And more love.

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me:
The services of an electrician, a handyman, a 'man with a van', a Sky installer, a TV installer. You couldn't pay for all the help - thank you.

On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me:
A very wet, very embarrassingly wet, orgasm or rather, several. And one for you too - with proper deep breathing, and full body shakes and reaffirmation of just how connected we are :-)

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me:
A lift to a Boxing Day with a difference! And the biggest belly laughs (charades and the sheep apron/mask combo!) And hugs.

On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me:
44 needles carefully placed in battle formation across my back and across my bottom. Double-dipped needles. Painful scratchy fire and ice needles that never settled into a pattern. Pain, continuing pain again and again and again. But always 'good girl' and 'you are doing so well'. I tried to concentrate on gripping the bed-sheet, on listening to my breathing, on the silence of the room, on anything other than what you were doing.




PS I know I need to lose weight :-(

On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me:
Absolute mind-blowing spaced-out-ness following the needles. And wet, wet orgasms. And a deep contented happy totally fulfilled sleep.

On the tenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me:
A day off to just be 'a single girl' again - shopping, mooching, enjoying, friends, relaxing.

On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me:
The best Chinese in the world ever. And a chance to wear my new dress, my new shoes and to dress up for you. Heels, hold-ups, push-up - all in black. Perfect?

On the twelth day of Christmas my true love gave to me:
The best present in the world? His mark on my skin - first with flame, then with blade. A D burned into my flesh in an instant. Then a heart encircling a D cut in with deft strokes of the scalpel. And actually the best present in the world - your love, your attention, your support and care and concern and understanding and devotion.


WOW.

Nothing can top this last few days. I've missed so many highlights - charades - you doing 'sadomasochism' and B doing 'gobbling'. The BBB and the shrieks from me, the laughter from you. The Chinese with me in full tart attire. Your brilliance with B. The feeling of orgasming around your cock - I could never tire of that. Your hands on my face. Your expression when you opened the present I had thought so much about and just knew you'd adore. The look of pride and love in your face as I got dressed last night. The chuckle when I kept the cotton wool containing the imprint of your cut. The incredible flowers. The fantastic baths - me bathing you, me washing your hair and massaging your feet, you soothing my needle-marked back with warm water.


Too much to write about but never too much to remember.

Thank you for you.

I love you daddy.



xxxxxxxxxxxx

Saturday night

I wanted to post the photos as a reminder of a strange but fun evening. Not one of the most intense, not even one of the most fun but a step in the journey nonetheless. Thank you for your smile and your love (but you shouldn't have left me after you flogged me - I was flying and I needed you - hmph!! xxx)

but then all was forgiven as you woke me up 'look what has happened as I was dreaming about you. suck my cock baby. sit on daddy's cock baby. I am going to come baby. sweet dreams baby'

Could you? Would you?

So, would you change in order to make a relationship better?

Of course not, you scoff! I am me - invincible, omnipotent, all conquering. Why would I change? What exactly would I need to change?

yeah. that was me 12 months ago too. Like - yeah - anyone was going to change me. Okay, so I was flawed but I was happy (wasn't I?) I'd been this way for 34 years. Old dog, new tricks springs to mind.

But now.

I would never have believed you if you had said - not only am I going to love you unconditionally, take you to the very boundaries of sanity, pain and pleasure but also to help shape you, show you where you are going wrong and guide you to a better direction. Piff and balderdash I would have responded. Bollox and more bollox would have been my retort.

But now.

Twelve months in. Twelve months of discovery. Of amazement. Of revelation.

And now I sit here realising that in loving me, in holding me, in guiding me - you have helped me to change. To be more than I ever thought I could be. To be better than 'me'. To be a more perfect 'me'.

I had self destructive, entirely self-deprecating urges. To be used but in an oblivious way to block out all that was bad. To be taken over, controlled, used, examined, tugged and brought together. In a negative way. An oblivion way.

But now.

I am grinning. I am whole. I am happy. I am constructive and positive and working towards a better future for me and my girl. I am positive that what I contribute is good and worthwhile. I have a brain, I have aptitude. I have intelligence and knowledge with a keen sense of discovery and innovation. I have insight, I have intuition. I have a way of getting on with people (that doesn't mean sleeping with them), I have a relationship building persona, a bridge-builder, a peace-maker, a result-driven way of working that before just got lost in the miasma of everything else.

And you know what?

Until you came along - the bad outweighed the good. The negative shouted louder than the positive. Everything I did I felt I had to apologise for. I was too ambitious, to the detriment of everything else. Too driven, so much so that no-one else got a look-in for fear of being run down. Too outspoken, dominant (ha), self-opinionated, educated, selfish, spoiled. The adjectives rolled on and on. And always, in the background - you are never good enough. Never showing 'the potential you showed'. Never as 'good as you ought to have been'

Well now - swivel you naysayers. I am proving my potential, I am reaching into every bit of expensive education that I have been given and you know why? Because someone has held my hand, held my legs, held my face and told me 'yes you can do it and I am behind you every step of the way' And each night I come home to Him, he is there again, with hugs and praise and help and advice and solace and love.

To wait 35 years to understand the meaning of 'I'm proud of you' seems a lifetime but right now, it just seems amazing.

Thank you daddy. I love you xxxx