Pain

I love you so much it hurts to breathe, it hurts to stop breathing. I'm completely head over heels. It's not a good feeling - it's a panicky feeling. What happens if I get hurt? I can't stop myself feeling like this but it's as if every word that you say, that you text, that you don't say are bubbles of oxygen getting me through the next few minutes. This can't be healthy this feeling. I don't want to be needy to be insecure but we've had an issue - an ex issue and a trust issue - and it isn't resolved.

I need you to know how I feel about you. How I would do anything for you, how I would always be there for you. In times of trouble, depression, anxiety, stress, pleasure and pain. I want to be by your side. I need you to trust that I will be there when you fall and I will catch you and put you back together again and make you whole.

i love your humour, your intelligence, your diverse knowledge, your outlook, your comprehension. I love your face, your eyes that look so sad, your body, your cock. I love how you wrap me up in your arms and tell me I look hot when I am naked bar your mambo hoody. I love that when we sleep, we touch.

I don't know what is going to happen and I feel out of control - my emotions are driving my rational side. This never happens to me. I can look back and say 'it's only two months, actions speak louder than words, I've met your friends and your dad' but I can also look back and say 'what is she doing to us? why are you speaking to her? what do you want from her? what do you want from me? can I give you everything you need and want?'

However much I want you and I want us I can't make you feel the same. I'm just going to have to wait and see and try to enjoy as we start out on this journey.

I'm in love with you Jonny and it hurts.

The way of the world

As I ponder an imminent birthday my mind turns to that which we deem important and that which others deem vital.

I've only ever really wanted one simple thing and that is - honesty. Honesty in what I want (he wants), honesty in what I ask for (he asks for) and honesty in what I deliver (he delivers). It seems really straightforward right? To fulfil promises, to deliver on whispers sent, to complete on missives delivered.

And now I have that. Now I can trust that every word spoken equals an action delivered, a promise fulfilled, a treat decreed. What a feeling! To know that once spoken, the words become unbreakable promises - actions that will exist in the near future.

I feel more fulfilled now than ever before, happier than ever imagined, satisfied beyond doubt. I'm me but with an added element of him. Good stuff - honest, truthful, sincere and 100% genuine. Thank goodness for the way of the world.

meek shall inherit the earth

'be meek' he said as I clawed at his back as his big cock thrust into me

'be innocent' he said as I wound my stocking-clad legs around his torso

'be quiet' he said as I told him how much I adored him fucking me

it all pales into insignificance as I received a text tonight 'am feeling rather lonely without you'

We are supposed to be together. forever. together

Night after night.....

...but never the same feeling twice.

We've been seeing each other masses recently - Thursday night I dressed up in school uniform and was waiting for him, at my desk, when he came in from work. It was enough to put a fire in his eyes, despite the terrible day he'd had. He punished me, we role-played for a little and then we fucked. Me with my white pants just pulled down, him with a fervour I haven't seen before. And afterwards he said I'd fulfilled an ultimate fantasy for him, that it was all just perfect. We slept the happy sleep of entwined lovers at peace.

Friday night I went over in the evening and we snuggled. We just enjoyed holding each other and catching up. Bed with just a kiss. The next morning however, as I rode his beautiful cock and ground my clit into him I came again and again and again. Sweat pouring down between my breasts, breath coming in ragged pants as he whispered filthy fantasies (of mine) into my ear. About being used by numerous men, about glory holes. And he said something so amazing 'I would let that happen because I trust you and because I know you're mine.' Whether it ever would happen is beside the point - I'm not sure whether I'd really want it to - but he trusts me.

Saturday - day spent doing family things until he called at 6. Come over (with the small person) and spend the night. He'd been drinking cider and watching rugby and was in a garalous mood. It was fun as we put the small person to bed then drank and fucked on the floor. He adored my new stockings I was wearing under my jeans and it was fun to rub his hard cock with my nyloned feet before he threw me onto my back and asked me to be meek as he fucked me. For some reason, being meek is hard to do - filthy dirty whore comes more naturally. Then a strange break 'you've gone dry' just before the small person made an appearance. I don't think I had actually but it was a good excuse for a break. Then he jumped on his laptop to look for nurse's uniforms for me but closed the lid before buying. I got the impression he was a little drunk - it wasn't horrible, it was just that he wasn't 100% on my wave length. It wasn't bad, it wasn't even annoying - in fact, I enjoyed the fact that he was even more sex starved than usual!

So we went to bed, we made sure the lights were on 'I want to be able to see you' before he came really hard inside me, watching my stocking-ed leg wrapping itself around him.

I love him so much. I love everything about him. I want this to work so badly.

you called sir...?

So, he's been working nights which means a change in routine, an alternative existence somewhere between waking and sleeping, working and longing.

But then a call this morning (my morning - his evening after 12 hours at the coal face) "I've bought you some underwear - I want you to come over so I can fuck you while you wear it." I didn't need asking twice. He clipped the stockings to the suspender belt, he gasped at the boots I was wearing, he was hard and naked within seconds. And boy did we fuck - over the kitchen chair, on the floor, in bed. All the time him saying "you look so fucking sexy, god you are hot" and me responding by being wet before he kissed me, by cumming as I rode him and looking at him in the eyes as he released his cum into me. We lay for a few minutes, breathing each other in, enjoying the sensation. I said to him "one of the things I love is that you never break your promises. When you say 'I need you now' that's exactly what you mean and nothing I say will change that." He looked at me, held my face and said, "because when I tell you what to do, then that's exactly what you will do or I will make you." And then, within minutes, he was hard again.

D/s without the BS. Perfection.

Love

What does it actually mean? In the early days is it just infatuation? Just lust and hormones that get in the way?

Or does it have a deeper, more profound, more honest meaning? It's closeness that's for sure - it's compatibility, and attention, interest, intrigue, care, commitment and compassion. It's certainly attraction and fascination - it's desire and lust - it's wanton heat and it's the overwhelming feeling that you never want to stop lying in his arms, breathing in his smell, feeling his cock harden against your leg, tasting his lips as he kisses you and draws you closer saying 'come to daddy my beautiful baby' having never ever told him of those desires and wishes before.

And then he kissed me

It happened last night. Standing in his dining room, dinner cooking. He held my shoulders and looked into my eyes and said "I think I love you". I couldn't say anything so I just looked up at him with pride.

It took a lot to say it because he's been so hurt in the past, he's so scared of being hurt in the future. He doesn't want to be hurt again. I told him later that I love him too but the moment had passed.

It was momentous and I felt such gravitas behind those three simple words.

And then he kissed me.