Lesson three - black and white

One of the reasons I feel so comfortable with you is that black is black and white is white. You are a confident strong and secure person who also somehow has the ability to see in others what is is that might need tweaking. You take no prisoners, no shit and you are certainly not a walkover. But your calm confidence is what I aspire to have in my life.

Saturday was spent revelling in freedom with excitement about seeing you (although I know your day was frustratingly terrible in terms of business - hugs xxx) And in between there were moments (and forgive me if I have got the chronology wrong) where I just melted into you. Like the first time you held my throat and I just felt peaceful - in my place, secure and happy.

It was so cool to talk scene stuff with both Danny and Maria. I know I am an info-lusting nightmare when it comes to learning but I just love being able to talk candidly about what goes on. I know sometimes I find it hard to express to you how I am feeling in my deepest darkest places and I am learning but with these guys it was more peripheral. It wasn't about me - it was about their experiences, gossip really! And I felt included.

The evening was harder work because I wanted to be by your side but felt somehow inhibited by the others in the room. For the first time all weekend I actually felt a little insecure. Did you want me to show my affection to you in front of them? But now I realise you weren't comfortable either and (jumping ahead) I have to say that my heart leapt when you said in the club - let's go - I just want it to be you and me.

I did love dressing up for you - I wanted to be your slut and my mind was racing about the possibilities (in the future) of exactly that. Of you basically showing me off - an extension of you being proud of me I suppose. Lots of black (no white at all!)

Three moments from Saturday night stand out. Just being held by you with my head in your chest as you stroked my head and held me close. There was noone else there - just you looking out for me, making me calm, relaxed, happy and at peace with the world. The second was the excitement that you wanted to play violet wand games with me - beautiful crackly purple beast that it is! Not painful at all, just fairly intensely different.

And then the knives. You showed them to me in the kitchen before we went - you know that I was being cool and shrugging it off but inside I was a bit of a nervous mess. But at that moment in the club as you held a guiding comforting hand on my back, I wanted more than anything for you to run that steel down my spine. It took me a little time to stop my heart pounding and for every fibre in my body not to shout stop because, rationally, how can this be a good idea?? But I trust you, I know you have my absolute best interests at heart and you care about me deeply so I tried not to stiffen. The experience was intense. I didn't realise it would hurt. I didn't realise that there were various feelings - a sharp pain, the point sticking in, the heavy drag down my back, the smooth cold relief of the back of the knife. And all the time you kept your other hand on me - feeling for response, checking that I was okay. I fretted about other people walking near you - jostling you but I also knew that I was safe. And you stopped at exactly the right time.

Sub space! Wow. Floaty, out of this world high. So happy that I lay still for you, so that you could make pretty patterns on my skin, so that you could enjoy what you love best - control, trust and submission. And you were so careful that I didn't jump up, making sure I was cognitive before letting me take my first feeble steps back to the table. Anxious moments when you walked off - I felt a bit alone and exposed but Maria was there and held my face and smiled at me and it was like being on 'e' or some other chemical. Very very intense.

After that, as you know, the atmosphere wasn't there and we came home and went to sleep. Me with a big huge happy grin and you, hopefully, with the same. You are black and white - I know you felt the same. You told me I had done well and inside that made me giggle - you were the one with the responsibility and the acute awareness that you were holding me in your hands. I just had to follow orders!

Lesson two - blossoming

You have said many times over the past few months that you have seen me blossoming and I feel that sometimes I just take one step forward to take three back. However, I want to clarify how I see myself. And it isn't blossoming so much as growing up. Actions versus consequence, cheap thrills versus long lasting repercussions, concentration versus short attention span and finally patience.

So I took myself into town on Friday (as you know) and got drunk with old friends. It wasn't planned, it wasn't premeditated but when I told you, you just texted me back to say I deserved a celebration. I know I feel the need to seek approval, to absolve myself of guilt about things that might be wrong but this was lovely. Like you were proud of me and were letting me have my head. And in that moment, I felt another connection to you. That as much as I might be blossoming, I am always not allowing myself to forget that sometimes, just sometimes, if it feels good, it is good.

Lesson one - sex does not equal love

I thought I would break down the last 4 days into lessons that I am coming away with. Nothing heavy - just realisations and things made clear by the very special man who is holding my hand.

I know I am hedonistic, sometimes this manifests itself in needing to get drunk, other times in just needing closeness. I have always equated sex with love. So I would go out, sleep with someone, for the 2 hours that we were together I felt needed, wanted, desired but afterwards was left with more of a gaping hole than when I started. For sex does not equal love.

This weekend I had no sex but have never felt so nurtured, cherished, adored, cared for and approved of. It was a deeper level, a higher plain - whatever analogy you can think of, this was it.

When I first saw you on Thursday morning, me with trepidation about the work to come mixed in with anxiety about meeting you and what lay in store, I actually nearly ran. I felt like to face you meant to face everything in my head and I was suddenly deeply aware that there was no going back from this. Lessons needed to be learned and therefore I needed to stand tall and learn. And then you kissed me and everything was okay with the world and I relaxed. You knew I was like a flighty horse that morning so just the gentle act of making sure I went to work with a spanked arse, to remind me of what it was I needed to concentrate on, was the most perfect thing in the world.

And you metaphorically held my hand as I again stood tall, showed my client why they are paying my fees, showed everyone that I can achieve and that I am proud of what I do for a living.

That evening it felt perfectly right, natural and comfortable to sit at your feet.

A new lease of life - welcome home?

I can't write at the moment - I am still taking it all in.

But what a weekend. Thank you so much. That sounds so small compared to how I really want to say it. Grin.

xxxxxx

It still fucking hurts

I cried yesterday and I cried today

Hot painful tears that I couldn't help

And even though I read an article saying that when men are fearful, guilty, worried or anxious they retreat

It still fucking hurts

I want to get over this

I need to get over this

My life is too busy right now to be distracted

I managed a week away, with barely a thought

But now I'm back, now the mundanity is kicking it

It still fucking hurts

And all I want to do is let you know - but that is selfish - because I want you to know how much it hurts so that I can be reassured that it hurts you too, or that you are regretting it or that you somehow are struggling too

But I don't want you to be struggling or to be hurting because I want you to be happy with the choice you made

But it still fucking hurts

It hurts (II)

Vera Pavlova wrote:

“If there is something to desire,

there will be something to regret.

If there is something to regret,

there will be something to recall.

If there is something to recall,

there was nothing to regret.

If there was nothing to regret,

there was nothing to desire.”

It hurts

I know its the right thing to do, I understand your need to look after your own, to prove to yourself, to Soph and to Becks that you are a good dad and that you do take your responsibilities seriously. Rationally I understand that - all of it. I know you have to do this. This is the only thing you have to do. But why does it hurt so much? Is it because both you and I know this was always more than just sex? Is it because you and I know how good we were together, how well we got on, how we were just starting to work out what made the other tick? Is it because neither of us was looking for anything but suddenly, bang, we were knocked for six (your words)? Is it because we had started making plans? Is it because suddenly there was something to look forward to each morning.

It hurts and I miss you. I miss the chats, the closeness, the secretiveness, the understanding of each other, the shared giggles, the love of Kings of Leon and of raving, the happiness to eat a fry up at Jens then go for a drive in the country, the shared love of Longman. Rationally Sarah - it was 2 weeks that was all. But what a two weeks. You were as into me as I was into you. It was equal. I was smitten, you were addicted (our words). I was never expecting anything from you but it all came - naturally, loving and because you are you.

So to have it taken away, pulled apart, side-swiped. It hurts.

xxx