Lesson three - black and white

One of the reasons I feel so comfortable with you is that black is black and white is white. You are a confident strong and secure person who also somehow has the ability to see in others what is is that might need tweaking. You take no prisoners, no shit and you are certainly not a walkover. But your calm confidence is what I aspire to have in my life.

Saturday was spent revelling in freedom with excitement about seeing you (although I know your day was frustratingly terrible in terms of business - hugs xxx) And in between there were moments (and forgive me if I have got the chronology wrong) where I just melted into you. Like the first time you held my throat and I just felt peaceful - in my place, secure and happy.

It was so cool to talk scene stuff with both Danny and Maria. I know I am an info-lusting nightmare when it comes to learning but I just love being able to talk candidly about what goes on. I know sometimes I find it hard to express to you how I am feeling in my deepest darkest places and I am learning but with these guys it was more peripheral. It wasn't about me - it was about their experiences, gossip really! And I felt included.

The evening was harder work because I wanted to be by your side but felt somehow inhibited by the others in the room. For the first time all weekend I actually felt a little insecure. Did you want me to show my affection to you in front of them? But now I realise you weren't comfortable either and (jumping ahead) I have to say that my heart leapt when you said in the club - let's go - I just want it to be you and me.

I did love dressing up for you - I wanted to be your slut and my mind was racing about the possibilities (in the future) of exactly that. Of you basically showing me off - an extension of you being proud of me I suppose. Lots of black (no white at all!)

Three moments from Saturday night stand out. Just being held by you with my head in your chest as you stroked my head and held me close. There was noone else there - just you looking out for me, making me calm, relaxed, happy and at peace with the world. The second was the excitement that you wanted to play violet wand games with me - beautiful crackly purple beast that it is! Not painful at all, just fairly intensely different.

And then the knives. You showed them to me in the kitchen before we went - you know that I was being cool and shrugging it off but inside I was a bit of a nervous mess. But at that moment in the club as you held a guiding comforting hand on my back, I wanted more than anything for you to run that steel down my spine. It took me a little time to stop my heart pounding and for every fibre in my body not to shout stop because, rationally, how can this be a good idea?? But I trust you, I know you have my absolute best interests at heart and you care about me deeply so I tried not to stiffen. The experience was intense. I didn't realise it would hurt. I didn't realise that there were various feelings - a sharp pain, the point sticking in, the heavy drag down my back, the smooth cold relief of the back of the knife. And all the time you kept your other hand on me - feeling for response, checking that I was okay. I fretted about other people walking near you - jostling you but I also knew that I was safe. And you stopped at exactly the right time.

Sub space! Wow. Floaty, out of this world high. So happy that I lay still for you, so that you could make pretty patterns on my skin, so that you could enjoy what you love best - control, trust and submission. And you were so careful that I didn't jump up, making sure I was cognitive before letting me take my first feeble steps back to the table. Anxious moments when you walked off - I felt a bit alone and exposed but Maria was there and held my face and smiled at me and it was like being on 'e' or some other chemical. Very very intense.

After that, as you know, the atmosphere wasn't there and we came home and went to sleep. Me with a big huge happy grin and you, hopefully, with the same. You are black and white - I know you felt the same. You told me I had done well and inside that made me giggle - you were the one with the responsibility and the acute awareness that you were holding me in your hands. I just had to follow orders!