I thought I would break down the last 4 days into lessons that I am coming away with. Nothing heavy - just realisations and things made clear by the very special man who is holding my hand.
I know I am hedonistic, sometimes this manifests itself in needing to get drunk, other times in just needing closeness. I have always equated sex with love. So I would go out, sleep with someone, for the 2 hours that we were together I felt needed, wanted, desired but afterwards was left with more of a gaping hole than when I started. For sex does not equal love.
This weekend I had no sex but have never felt so nurtured, cherished, adored, cared for and approved of. It was a deeper level, a higher plain - whatever analogy you can think of, this was it.
When I first saw you on Thursday morning, me with trepidation about the work to come mixed in with anxiety about meeting you and what lay in store, I actually nearly ran. I felt like to face you meant to face everything in my head and I was suddenly deeply aware that there was no going back from this. Lessons needed to be learned and therefore I needed to stand tall and learn. And then you kissed me and everything was okay with the world and I relaxed. You knew I was like a flighty horse that morning so just the gentle act of making sure I went to work with a spanked arse, to remind me of what it was I needed to concentrate on, was the most perfect thing in the world.
And you metaphorically held my hand as I again stood tall, showed my client why they are paying my fees, showed everyone that I can achieve and that I am proud of what I do for a living.
That evening it felt perfectly right, natural and comfortable to sit at your feet.
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