The day after. New Year's Eve - never has there been a more apt name for a day

And I woke up this morning with a painful left inner thigh - where he had leant on me so hard while fucking me and playing with my clit. And it immediately made me smile. And I stretched in bed like a cat, wishing he was there to stroke me and pull my hair.

New Year's Eve. 2008 is going to be our year. I want to be his so badly. I want him to own my body and my mind, to command me to do what he wants. Before I've always submitted because I was scared. Now I submit because I want him to be happy, to be proud of me, to love me.

Tim xxxx

Wow.
He has redeemed himself, I am smitten.

We had lunch - we talked and grabbed each other and looked into each other's eyes and he mouthed "I want to fuck you" and my legs went to jelly. He's bright and intelligent and interesting and horny. And the drive home has never taken so long and all I wanted was to feel his arms around me and his mouth on mine. And as soon as we got home he kissed me with intensity and longing and desire and lust (and care).

We went upstairs and talked and hugged a bit and then suddenly he was hard and I was wet and he leant hard on my leg while he fucked me and it hurt but it was right and I just wanted him inside me and on me and I needed him to hold me down. And it all felt so safe and right, as if I had known him for ages. And he came. And I was ecstatic.

Lots of snuggling and stroking and then he fingered me using his knuckles and emploring me not to move. Normally I get bored, know I won't come so wriggle away and change position. But something told me not to this time and suddenly I could feel the familiar stirring in my stomach as I came all over his hand and knuckle. Wow. The first man ever to do that to me. And I told him so.

I stroked and we kissed and we talked and smiled. And I was so at peace with the world. And then I wanted to get him hard but felt like a newbie again! But he said to talk about pain and he would get hard - and he twisted my nipple so hard and I told him how it felt. Like glass and fire, twisting and tortue, deep pain but so bearable as he wanked. And he came because of the agony I was going through. Fucking hell.

I said to him "I think I want to be yours" and he said "I think I want to be yours and I think I want you to be mine"

xxxxxx

Purrrrr

Got chatting online over the last few days to a lovely looking, gentle boy who is interested in lots of the same things I am. An actor, he is S. We spoke on the phone and it was gentle and snuggly, like curling up together on a deep rug. It was interesting how much of our protection, nurture and love ideas came together. No violent talk, no rude words, just gentleness. He seems sweet. Could I have a sweet Dom? I doubt it because I can walk over anyone I want to. I need something in between violent and gentle.

Oh and he likes kitten and puppy play which has always intrigued me. Think I'm too big really to do the sweet kitten thing though.

PS Played with P this morning. Lovely orgasms slave - thank you xxx

Silence is not fucking golden (part II)

And guess who decides that last night is the perfect time to get back in touch? T. The sadist doctor. Messages below for posterity:

Patience pays. Secured 3 month consultancy in *******. Lunch Sunday? in B***? The one we should have had, long slow delicious bdsm conversation and them home to f**** to kiss long and deep? xxx

And I replied:
Whimper. You bastard. Can't think of anything I'd rather do. How did you know I would be free? Bastard again but thank you.

Then a stream of texts from him:
B***, midday Sunday. Soft dress and conservative heels, dark hold ups. I'm all yours. We'll begin. I hope uve been stretching. Beware we could very well fall in love deeply. Don't say I didn't warn you

If u hadn't been free, I'd have expected u to change ur plans. This is serious and we should proceed as such. I am a bastard, a sadistic dominant bastard but I'm entirely capable of being YOUR sadistic bastard and being so for ever. Now stretch all evening. I want you in AGONY. And I need you to be capable of the splits

But we meet and proceed also as 60% vanilla equals. V important to me. God I want to hurt you and make you orgasm til u plead for me to stop x


Well, what's a girl to do? ;-)

Silence is not fucking golden

After a week of silence plus the inevitable changing of the IC profile to read "I am no longer looking as I am hoping I have found her" I have to come to the conclusion that I did not make the A(D)'s shortlist. No manners though- how hard is it just to text back "sorry". Oh well. Feeling bruised (again).

So turned to dirty filthy J for some fun last night. He came round, held a knife to my throat (Wow - what a rush. What power, what stupidity, in my own kitchen, what lust) and tied me up and fucked me and made my bottom pink and whipped my tits. Thanks babe xxx

December continues. And then there was A(D)

While I'm waiting for T to get back in touch - you know, it all sounded so fucking promising, I get an email on IC from A(D). Very polite approach, very intelligent profile. Gentle but intense with some brilliantly written prose. I tell him I "adore" someone right now (that'll be T) but thanks for his details.

And then I have to delete my IC profile because my past starts catching up with me in the form of a psycho ex plus S. somehow finds out about IC and everything starts caving in a bit. The unfit mother stuff starts again. So the profile goes and for some reason I have an overwhelming desire to let A(D) know that I haven't just disappeared off the face of the earth and as he has given me telephone numbers, e-mail addresses etc I can just drop him a line. So I do.

We start chatting on MSN- it's quick fire, intelligent stuff. Funny, silly, interesting. We talk on the phone - again - quick and witty and lovely. He's very smart, lovely voice, interesting gentle manner. We arrange to meet. I nearly fuck it up by getting hammered with clients and not being able to drive but we rearrange for the next day.

I'm hungover, in yesterday's clothes with that alcoholic guilt thing you get after a heavy night. And he arrives. And he's lovely - older looking than I imagined (I'd seen photos) but with a PRESENCE. I mean it - I wanted to listen to him all day. I fantasised that he was my boss, that we were in a business situation but I knew he fancied me. Back to reality - I tried to be clever, to be engaging, interesting, pretty. I really wanted him to like me. And after two hours we parted company - he kissed me tenderly on my mouth, on both sides of my mouth. And I had a bounce in my step and a grin in my heart.

When I got home I texted him "Home. Happy xx" and left it at that. I heard nothing from him. I began to panic but later that night we had a protracted MSN conversation (he kept being on the phone) and finally he said "you're being coy about our meeting. Honesty. One statement. How did you feel?" and I said "I think you're fucking gorgeous" and then there was nothing from him. Again the phone and etc etc.

Finally we talk on the phone. He says he's amazed I feel like that as he got the impression I didn't like him. I said I was being guarded (and in all honesty I didn't think he really liked me so I needed to protect myself). I think I remember him saying "I think you are lovely". We had a more intense chat about fantasies and perversions. He makes me horny. I want to please him already. I want to show him what a dirty slut I am and how happy I could make him.

There's been a lot of silence. I'm so frustrated. I want to tell him how I feel but if he isn't interested, I am just going to make a dick of myself. We have agreed to meet after Christmas but I have texted him a few times and heard nothing back. He is busy and popular and engaged in so many things and I am sure I am not his type.

Time will tell.

x

What a month - J

The filthiest (but not the most depraved - D, you win that crown)

Met J a couple of weeks ago. Very very tall, very domly with beard and long coat! Went back to his house and he tied me up and fucked me in the arse, whipped me with a long whip and paddled my tit. It was fun, I enjoyed myself, I squirted (a first) but I never really felt the connection. He pulled my hair and I responded but I didn't feel it deep down in my stomach like I do with D and like I do with T.

It was J who I went clubbing with and we have sinced played as well. He is a really decent bloke - very intelligent but very soft with it. Intense, laid-back and experienced. But just not my cup of tea. Sorry Dragon Slayer x

P

I feel like I have written this blog and have hardly mentioned P. He is the one that got me into all this - he is the one that "awakened the inner BDSM goddess". He is a sub. A very married, very close to home sub who I fancy the arse off and who, for reasons that I think come close to him just using me, sees me as his Mistress (with a capital M - as in BDSM and not affair/mistress).

Every time we play it is fun. It is a laugh. I get to try out stuff that he asks for like mummification, using a strap-on, feeding him a joint and then fucking him. Damm - I've even gone so far as to pay for him to have a session with a professional Dominatrix (although that's kind of selfish because I want to meet her and see how she does her think for my own education). I love fucking him - I always come, his body is gorgeously fit, he is handsome, he is a complete tart, he is arrogant therefore I like humiliating him. What pains me is that he never hugs me after we have gone through our scenes. Which is why I feel used.

What a month - T

And then there is T. A sadist - an intelligent, thoughtful father of 2 who is a sadist. We chat online, on the phone and on text. He's positive and encouraging and downright gorgeous in his photographs. And I was supposed to meet him on December 3rd but he couldn't get away from work and I was so sad.

And then he turned up. At my new house. Poinsettia in hand. Looking gorgeous and tired. And I was all "just got baby to bed, one bottle of beer under my belt" flustered. Hair scraped back, jeans. And all he kept saying was "it's perfect" and "you're lovely". so we had a glass of wine and I just wanted to touch him and to hold his hand and we kissed and it was all so gentle and mind blowingly right. And he stroked my arms and tits and face and held me. He smells lovely.

He started using his nails on my neck and arms (which I love) and I turned over so he could have access to my back and he gouged my skin with his nails and it burned and it hurt like hell but I didn't want him to stop because I wanted him to realise how much I wanted him and I wanted him to be proud of me. And he went on and on scratching at my skin and my shoulders burned with so much fire but still I lay there. Then he massaged me - hard, digging into my muscles. And he pinched and grabbed my nipples and thrust his hand in my dripping pussy (which I could smell and feel was so wet) and I wanted to come but part of me held back because I felt like I couldn't. And then he kissed me, held me and left. And I was high.

Afterwards he texted:

Gorgeous. All gorgeous xxxxx

And a couple of hours later he e-mailed
In, safe and still smiling like a little boy. That was so beautiful xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

And I replied
I am still smiling now! That was honestly such a buzz - for you just
> to turn up unannounced, for us to click like that, for me to relax
> enough to let you do that and to want to do that and to enjoy doing
> that for you. Thank you so much.
>
> xxx

And his response:
I'm still buzzing too. I want more..........xx

And a text that day:
I can still smell you. Mmm....x

And my back is covered in scratches which hurt every time I go in the shower but which seek to remind me of him. And I keep looking at them. Almost the first manifestation of what I am finding out about myself. Coupled with my bruised arse from Hades I am turning into a wanton slut. AND I LOVE IT

What a month- Hades (1st December)

So I went to Hades. My first club night. I was nervous about dressing like a tart but I was desperate to meet D. Even though I'd had a strange conversation with his partner Maria because I get the feeling she's jealous and he didn't follow protocol.

Very strange dressing up like that - corset showing off my tits, stockings, boots, short skirt. have never ever dressed like that before. Didn't feel like a tart - more as if I was on display
Club was in a strange part of town and I didn't really want to walk through the council estate in my fetish gear!

On arrival, very chaotic. Had to produce photo id, fill in forms. Bad atmosphere at the beginning. Lots of people arriving with large bags - predominance of leather trousers.

Two people came up to me straight away and used my IC name and said I looked great. Saw Danny who I had been having some quite intense conversations with over the last month - we spotted each other immediately and even though he runs the night, was very stressed and had been ill, still took time to look me in the eye, say good evening Sarah and give me the dirtiest grin I have ever seen!

Wandered through the rooms and was shown around by one of the house doms who was very sweet, very "normal" and very helpful. Lots of people standing around, some great looking equipment, very poor lighting.

Found myself not really wanting to be or to play with the guy (J) and the girl (S) that I had gone with - in fact, whenever he came up to me I wanted to run away from him. I don't connect with him properly - he is sweet but I don't feel anything for him. So I went off for a wander on my own and within a short time I had been asked by Maria (D's partner and cowoner of the night) to do meet and greet at the front entrance. She wanted me to feel comfortable with the range of people in the club, give me an opportunity to say hello to lots of people and also to show me off a bit. It was fun and the girls I was with were young and full of life and enthusiasm and piercings.........

However, after 3/4 of an hour, the guy that I had arrived with appeared and was very cross that I had wandered off without telling him and was being very possessive which irritated me.

Was relieved of my duties after an hour and then went for a wander again. Sat and watched some knife play which didn't really interest me. Watched lots of flogging and whipping. People watched a lot and spoke to some people. Just chilled out really and soaked it all in.

Talked to Danny for ages about fantasy versus reality, the lifestyle versus vanilla, the wrongness versus the rightness. He's intense. He got between my ears from the moment we started chatting online so I knew there would be a connection there. We talked about dirty things like being pimped out, like rape fantasies, like a man using a mother and a daughter. He is intense - he has amazing eyes, he looks straight at you and comes out with so much fucking filth but in a calm way. Poor guy was ill as well and running around trying to sort out the night but still he found time to talk to me.

I'm in awe of him slightly as he's well known on the scene, puts these nights on, works bloody hard and is very, very dark. I found myself just wanting to talk to him, to delve into some of the darker corners of my mind. And he listened and prompted and fed me ideas and thoughts. And then as I was walking away, his partner Maria saw me and held my hand and asked me whether I wanted to play. So I leant over a metal rack and Maria and Mistress Amba used the crop, the paddle and other things on my bottom. And I loved it. And it was humiliating knowing all these people were watching me and I was enjoying the pain and the pleasure and my head was churning as I laughed as every blow landed. It felt like I was high as Maria talked to me and scratched her nails up my arm. And then it hurt so I said stop. It can't have been more than 10 minutes and I stopped it quickly before I needed to because I was embarrassed about how much I loved it.

The next morning my bottom was amazing colours and it just felt right.

That night went back to hotel room with J and S and fucked around a bit and played with her until the early hours. I was going through the motions. I wanted to be being used by Danny - I wanted to be his.