December continues. And then there was A(D)

While I'm waiting for T to get back in touch - you know, it all sounded so fucking promising, I get an email on IC from A(D). Very polite approach, very intelligent profile. Gentle but intense with some brilliantly written prose. I tell him I "adore" someone right now (that'll be T) but thanks for his details.

And then I have to delete my IC profile because my past starts catching up with me in the form of a psycho ex plus S. somehow finds out about IC and everything starts caving in a bit. The unfit mother stuff starts again. So the profile goes and for some reason I have an overwhelming desire to let A(D) know that I haven't just disappeared off the face of the earth and as he has given me telephone numbers, e-mail addresses etc I can just drop him a line. So I do.

We start chatting on MSN- it's quick fire, intelligent stuff. Funny, silly, interesting. We talk on the phone - again - quick and witty and lovely. He's very smart, lovely voice, interesting gentle manner. We arrange to meet. I nearly fuck it up by getting hammered with clients and not being able to drive but we rearrange for the next day.

I'm hungover, in yesterday's clothes with that alcoholic guilt thing you get after a heavy night. And he arrives. And he's lovely - older looking than I imagined (I'd seen photos) but with a PRESENCE. I mean it - I wanted to listen to him all day. I fantasised that he was my boss, that we were in a business situation but I knew he fancied me. Back to reality - I tried to be clever, to be engaging, interesting, pretty. I really wanted him to like me. And after two hours we parted company - he kissed me tenderly on my mouth, on both sides of my mouth. And I had a bounce in my step and a grin in my heart.

When I got home I texted him "Home. Happy xx" and left it at that. I heard nothing from him. I began to panic but later that night we had a protracted MSN conversation (he kept being on the phone) and finally he said "you're being coy about our meeting. Honesty. One statement. How did you feel?" and I said "I think you're fucking gorgeous" and then there was nothing from him. Again the phone and etc etc.

Finally we talk on the phone. He says he's amazed I feel like that as he got the impression I didn't like him. I said I was being guarded (and in all honesty I didn't think he really liked me so I needed to protect myself). I think I remember him saying "I think you are lovely". We had a more intense chat about fantasies and perversions. He makes me horny. I want to please him already. I want to show him what a dirty slut I am and how happy I could make him.

There's been a lot of silence. I'm so frustrated. I want to tell him how I feel but if he isn't interested, I am just going to make a dick of myself. We have agreed to meet after Christmas but I have texted him a few times and heard nothing back. He is busy and popular and engaged in so many things and I am sure I am not his type.

Time will tell.

x