Hedonism

I know I am capable of just doing things because they feel good, because they give me instant gratification. You sussed me on that one really quickly!

Last night was a case in point and I thought about you loads. I thought about whether you would approve, understand, give me my head to just go crazy for 12 hours. And you did. No judgement - just sound advice and support (and care and love).

Wow. The only word I can honestly think of to describe you at the moment. I feel like I am yours and that when we are together, nothing else matters. The world could stop rotating and as long as I was with you then it really wouldn't matter.

Last night was a mental one - raving, drugs, sweaty 20 year olds, fit bodies everywhere, everyone joined in a sense of elation at the music (and the drugs). But throughout I thought of you and how I could make sure I pleased you and make sure I made you proud.

I love that you understand this need within me. I love that you look at my life and realise I need some 'down time'. I feel more controlled in this down time than ever before. It is not a means to an end - an oblivion to block out the bad stuff (which is what it used to be). This time it was just pure pleasure and you understand this. No, I'm not going to turn into a raver babe in lycra (I hardly have the figure or the age for it!!!!!) it was just simply a way of letting off steam with good friends in a good space.

Throughout the evening, through the peaks and the troughs of the high, I thought about you. I thought about us lying together, just enjoying each other's company - nothing more. No scenes, no play - just two minds connected. And it made last night even more special. Because throughout I felt loved. I felt able to let go of the real world because I knew that you were thinking about me and worrying about me. Someone else to share with. An amazing feeling.

As ever, thank you daddy for everything.

xxx