Devotion

Such an amazingly deep word. Such an incredibly deep emotion. But it's the way I feel about you.

This week has had its ups and downs - probably more downs than ups. Throughout, the devotion you have felt for me has kept me going - kept me focused - kept me from the bottle, the cycle of self-destruct, the age-old way of 'coping' in a crisis. Your devotion, your 'arms around me' devotion, has given me such strength.

And tomorrow we will be together again. I felt cheated out of last weekend - amazing to spend time in your company but not in your company as we were surrounded by others. We shared some amazing moments but they were all too fleeting, lost in the miasma that is other people's wants, needs, desires, traumas, emotions and dramas. Thank you for being so amazingly wonderful with those that I love. Thank you too for making me laugh through pain with our friend Eve!!

Tomorrow I feel like I could do with silence with you for a bit - just being together, breathing the same air again, holding each other, re-connecting, sharing love and silence before noise and chaos and pain and pleasure and sweat and tears. I just want to be in your arms, listening to your heart beat, feeling your hands on my body and your mind in my head. Feeling that immense release of pressure whenever I am held by you. Giving myself over to you entirely in mind, body and spirit.

By all accounts, tomorrow could be a disaster. You know how I feel as I have voiced it tonight. It should have been so different and I'm surprised how irritated I still feel in the giving over of time and energy for it to be slapped back at me - "you should have known better". Well perhaps I should. Perhaps I should have known better than to invest time, precious time, but then that's me. I wanted to be a friend, a buddy, a partner in crime. It was all going so well and now I think maybe it was only me thinking like that because actually she was just seeking release for heady fantasy and had no intention of seeing it through. I know how I felt in those early days when I was unsure and I understand fear and trepidation but by blasting through that barrier, I now have love. And devotion. And I would never go back.

Thank you daddy for everything. I love you xxxx