Home

Whether it was the sharp intense pain of the staples, or the smooth dulcet tones of your voice - whether it was the deep brown eyes that shone with love, or the hand on the back of my neck as the knife was run down my spine. Whatever it was - I felt like I was home.

The anticipation of another weekend with you - a first in many ways - was very exciting but also daunting at the same time. Would we connect like we used to? Would we feel awkward with each other, so many questions still to answer, so much pain still in evidence. But I needn't have worried because everything just felt like I was home.

Friday - we chilled, we ate, we chatted, we kissed. The new collar. Shiny and cold but yet warm with so much meaning. Love and lust and wetness from us both.

Saturday - perfection. Talking, shopping (random selection of things - cats ears, stockings, feathers, food!) and then a day of preparation. Being shaved by you - lying with my legs spread as you so gently made me clean for you, ensured that I passed inspection. What a feeling. So intimate and loving and beautiful.

Dressing for you. Making sure that I would make you proud in new red and black latex - a never before worn dress.

Then being stapled shut. My cunt closed by you, for you, for us. The pain was hard to take but you told me you were so proud of me that I knew I could take it for you. Pretty black ribbon. Chastity for you.

The club - we just got straight back into our groove. I loved lying down and feeling you walk around me, hearing you whisper 'are you okay', feeling the cold steel of your blade against my hot and excited skin. And wonderful wonderful needles - I could have taken as many as you wanted to put in me. I danced in my head in time to the music, in time to our wonderful connected rhythmn. I adored feeling your hand on me, your palm against my arse, your cane, your knife, my skirt lifted up for all to see. The excitement was palpable "I can smell your cunt" you whispered in my ear at one point.

And then turned over, again on display, head tipped back, legs open as you drew your knife against my groin and laughed with onlookers.

I stood up and you held the knife against my face, putting it between my teeth. I could feel my heart and my breath - could see your beautiful handsome face looking at me. And the world stopped for just a minute. I swear I was inside you at that moment and you were inside me. This is where we belong. Doing crazy wonderful things with each other's minds and bodies. Needles in my breasts that went in so easily I didn't even wince. Talking, laughing, enjoying being as one again. An incredibly connected brilliant 'one'.

The journey home - so natural. So quiet. We hardly spoke for the majority of the time - just smiled and remembered and enjoyed and revelled in us, in our brilliance.

Sunday - I was so nervous. Being pierced for you, by you. I love the idea but as the reality grew closer I grew more tetchy and nervous.

Sweet anxiety flooded my body as I lay down and spread my legs. With you holding my hand the needle went right into my most sensitive parts - a scratchy deep but ultimately incredibly quick pain. And then it was done. And you told me how proud you were of me. And we both couldn't stop grinning.

Yes there were tears - of pain and anguish and upset and fear and emotion. But you held me, as I held you, and it was okay. It was okay for us to feel however we needed to feel at that moment.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

xxx

Video games

Swinging in the backyard
Pull up in your fast car
Whistling my name

Open up a beer
And you say get over here
And play a video game

I'm in his favorite sun dress
Watching me get undressed
Take that body downtown

I say you the bestest
Lean in for a big kiss
Put his favorite perfume on

Go play a video game

It's you, it's you, it's all for you
Everything I do
I tell you all the time
Heaven is a place on earth with you
Tell me all the things you want to do
I heard that you like the bad girls
Honey, is that true?
It's better than I ever even knew
They say that the world was built for two
Only worth living if somebody is loving you
Baby now you do

Singing in the old bars
Swinging with the old stars
Living for the fame

Kissing in the blue dark
Playing pool and wild darts
Video games

He holds me in his big arms
Drunk and I am seeing stars
This is all I think of

Watching all our friends fall
In and out of Old Paul's
This is my idea of fun
Playing video games

It's you, it's you, it's all for you
Everything I do
I tell you all the time
Heaven is a place on earth with you
Tell me all the things you want to do
I heard that you like the bad girls
Honey, is that true?
It's better than I ever even knew
They say that the world was built for two
Only worth living if somebody is loving you
Baby now you do

(Now you do)

It's you, it's you, it's all for you
Everything I do
I tell you all the time
Heaven is a place on earth with you
Tell me all the things you want to do
I heard that you like the bad girls
Honey, is that true?
It's better than I ever even knew
They say that the world was built for two
Only worth living if somebody is loving you
Baby now you do

Fix you

"Fix You"

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I...

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Feeling used

There are several men in my life, some of whom I've been sexual with and some of whom I might have hinted at possibly being sexual with in the future (had I not met the love of my life who I want to be with forever). They're nice in their own way - not nice enough for me ever to have pursued anything serious or long-term with but, ya know, nice enough. In fact, let's turn that round - nice enough but not nice enough for any of them to have pursued me further than trying for a quick grope in a dark alley.

What fucks me off the most is that 99% of them are married. Yup. Committed, in a relationship, married. Yet - to a man - when they see me / contact me they expect some sexual gratification. And I don't mean necessarily physical - just a text or a nod to say "yes, I know you're horny" These men are cunts. These men want nothing more than a cheap thrill with a girl they think is easy. What the fuck do I get out of "send me a picture of your tits" or "oh god I'm imagining you sucking my cock". I might be horny, I might be easy and sexually liberated but I'm not fucking stupid. Sex is a two - way thing. You want gratification? Look at porn. Don't bother me. I'm not a whore. I'm a filthy dirty slut for one man only - my love - so the rest of you - JUST FUCK OFF.

Pain

I love you so much it hurts to breathe, it hurts to stop breathing. I'm completely head over heels. It's not a good feeling - it's a panicky feeling. What happens if I get hurt? I can't stop myself feeling like this but it's as if every word that you say, that you text, that you don't say are bubbles of oxygen getting me through the next few minutes. This can't be healthy this feeling. I don't want to be needy to be insecure but we've had an issue - an ex issue and a trust issue - and it isn't resolved.

I need you to know how I feel about you. How I would do anything for you, how I would always be there for you. In times of trouble, depression, anxiety, stress, pleasure and pain. I want to be by your side. I need you to trust that I will be there when you fall and I will catch you and put you back together again and make you whole.

i love your humour, your intelligence, your diverse knowledge, your outlook, your comprehension. I love your face, your eyes that look so sad, your body, your cock. I love how you wrap me up in your arms and tell me I look hot when I am naked bar your mambo hoody. I love that when we sleep, we touch.

I don't know what is going to happen and I feel out of control - my emotions are driving my rational side. This never happens to me. I can look back and say 'it's only two months, actions speak louder than words, I've met your friends and your dad' but I can also look back and say 'what is she doing to us? why are you speaking to her? what do you want from her? what do you want from me? can I give you everything you need and want?'

However much I want you and I want us I can't make you feel the same. I'm just going to have to wait and see and try to enjoy as we start out on this journey.

I'm in love with you Jonny and it hurts.

The way of the world

As I ponder an imminent birthday my mind turns to that which we deem important and that which others deem vital.

I've only ever really wanted one simple thing and that is - honesty. Honesty in what I want (he wants), honesty in what I ask for (he asks for) and honesty in what I deliver (he delivers). It seems really straightforward right? To fulfil promises, to deliver on whispers sent, to complete on missives delivered.

And now I have that. Now I can trust that every word spoken equals an action delivered, a promise fulfilled, a treat decreed. What a feeling! To know that once spoken, the words become unbreakable promises - actions that will exist in the near future.

I feel more fulfilled now than ever before, happier than ever imagined, satisfied beyond doubt. I'm me but with an added element of him. Good stuff - honest, truthful, sincere and 100% genuine. Thank goodness for the way of the world.

meek shall inherit the earth

'be meek' he said as I clawed at his back as his big cock thrust into me

'be innocent' he said as I wound my stocking-clad legs around his torso

'be quiet' he said as I told him how much I adored him fucking me

it all pales into insignificance as I received a text tonight 'am feeling rather lonely without you'

We are supposed to be together. forever. together

Night after night.....

...but never the same feeling twice.

We've been seeing each other masses recently - Thursday night I dressed up in school uniform and was waiting for him, at my desk, when he came in from work. It was enough to put a fire in his eyes, despite the terrible day he'd had. He punished me, we role-played for a little and then we fucked. Me with my white pants just pulled down, him with a fervour I haven't seen before. And afterwards he said I'd fulfilled an ultimate fantasy for him, that it was all just perfect. We slept the happy sleep of entwined lovers at peace.

Friday night I went over in the evening and we snuggled. We just enjoyed holding each other and catching up. Bed with just a kiss. The next morning however, as I rode his beautiful cock and ground my clit into him I came again and again and again. Sweat pouring down between my breasts, breath coming in ragged pants as he whispered filthy fantasies (of mine) into my ear. About being used by numerous men, about glory holes. And he said something so amazing 'I would let that happen because I trust you and because I know you're mine.' Whether it ever would happen is beside the point - I'm not sure whether I'd really want it to - but he trusts me.

Saturday - day spent doing family things until he called at 6. Come over (with the small person) and spend the night. He'd been drinking cider and watching rugby and was in a garalous mood. It was fun as we put the small person to bed then drank and fucked on the floor. He adored my new stockings I was wearing under my jeans and it was fun to rub his hard cock with my nyloned feet before he threw me onto my back and asked me to be meek as he fucked me. For some reason, being meek is hard to do - filthy dirty whore comes more naturally. Then a strange break 'you've gone dry' just before the small person made an appearance. I don't think I had actually but it was a good excuse for a break. Then he jumped on his laptop to look for nurse's uniforms for me but closed the lid before buying. I got the impression he was a little drunk - it wasn't horrible, it was just that he wasn't 100% on my wave length. It wasn't bad, it wasn't even annoying - in fact, I enjoyed the fact that he was even more sex starved than usual!

So we went to bed, we made sure the lights were on 'I want to be able to see you' before he came really hard inside me, watching my stocking-ed leg wrapping itself around him.

I love him so much. I love everything about him. I want this to work so badly.

you called sir...?

So, he's been working nights which means a change in routine, an alternative existence somewhere between waking and sleeping, working and longing.

But then a call this morning (my morning - his evening after 12 hours at the coal face) "I've bought you some underwear - I want you to come over so I can fuck you while you wear it." I didn't need asking twice. He clipped the stockings to the suspender belt, he gasped at the boots I was wearing, he was hard and naked within seconds. And boy did we fuck - over the kitchen chair, on the floor, in bed. All the time him saying "you look so fucking sexy, god you are hot" and me responding by being wet before he kissed me, by cumming as I rode him and looking at him in the eyes as he released his cum into me. We lay for a few minutes, breathing each other in, enjoying the sensation. I said to him "one of the things I love is that you never break your promises. When you say 'I need you now' that's exactly what you mean and nothing I say will change that." He looked at me, held my face and said, "because when I tell you what to do, then that's exactly what you will do or I will make you." And then, within minutes, he was hard again.

D/s without the BS. Perfection.

Love

What does it actually mean? In the early days is it just infatuation? Just lust and hormones that get in the way?

Or does it have a deeper, more profound, more honest meaning? It's closeness that's for sure - it's compatibility, and attention, interest, intrigue, care, commitment and compassion. It's certainly attraction and fascination - it's desire and lust - it's wanton heat and it's the overwhelming feeling that you never want to stop lying in his arms, breathing in his smell, feeling his cock harden against your leg, tasting his lips as he kisses you and draws you closer saying 'come to daddy my beautiful baby' having never ever told him of those desires and wishes before.

And then he kissed me

It happened last night. Standing in his dining room, dinner cooking. He held my shoulders and looked into my eyes and said "I think I love you". I couldn't say anything so I just looked up at him with pride.

It took a lot to say it because he's been so hurt in the past, he's so scared of being hurt in the future. He doesn't want to be hurt again. I told him later that I love him too but the moment had passed.

It was momentous and I felt such gravitas behind those three simple words.

And then he kissed me.

In my head

It's not actually that relevant because I do believe that I have him but the words 'I love him...but only on my own' won't disappear this morning. From Les Mis


And now I'm all alone again nowhere to turn, no one to go to
without a home without a friend without a face to say hello to
And now the night is near
Now I can make believe he's here

Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping
I think of him and then I'm happy
With the company I'm keeping
The city goes to bed
And I can live inside my head

On my own
Pretending he's beside me
All alone
I walk with him till morning
Without him
I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And he has found me

In the rain the pavement shines like silver
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me forever and forever

And I know it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to him
And although I know that he is blind
Still I say, there's a way for us

I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone
The river's just a river
Without him
The world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere
The streets are full of strangers

I love him
But every day I'm learning
All my life
I've only been pretending
Without me
His world will go on turning
A world that's full of happiness
That I have never known

I love him
I love him
I love him
But only on my own

The past

why? why does the past have to shape the future? I had a D/s relationship - it was right at the time, it was what I needed, craved, desired. But now. Now I need love, I need 'nilla', I need normal, I need respect, I need love. I need you. I don't need anything else. I don't want anything else. Please believe me. I need you

I love him

I want to scream from the roof-tops...but I don't want to scare him off

I want to tell him.....but I don't want him to back off

I want to be with him forever, to make plans, to learn - to love - to live - with him...but I don't want him to run

He's scared, I'm scared, we're scared. But I know. I just know. He's mine. I'm his. We are meant to be together.

It's the forever that's freaking us out. But I know already that I love him.

Back to life, back to reality

Normal. Normal things, normal life, normal emotions. I like normal. I like being able to make plans that are good for me and for my family, that will enhance what I have, not make me wonder what it might be like to be normal.

I like walking in the countryside, running up a hill with my child, lying on the grass at an event and drinking beer. I like the fact that I spent three days working 13 hours per day in the sun, on my feet and all I felt was satisfaction at a job well done. I loved inviting him to spend that time with me knowing that he'd walk all day with me, he'd lie in the sun, he too would feel nothing but satisfaction at a job well done. He and I are just in that blissful getting to know you stage but already, all those normal things that I love, he loves too.

This isn't about D/s actually although he is a dominant, red-blooded male. It isn't about labels, about being let down with false promises or 'when the time is right' statements. It's about mutual respect for our own positions in this relationship. It's about understanding what is needed and what is wanted without the muddle of what is 'right' and what is 'correct'. It's D/s without the BS and I love it. Normal. Bliss.

OMG

Sometimes things just don't work out the way you plan them to.

And other times things don't work out the way you hope.

But, there's always tomorrow.

Thank you for everything and here's to tomorrow.

There's always something there to remind me...

..and usually it's the beautiful drawing of two women bound together at the top of the stairs, or the strategically placed holes in the bannisters just waiting for anchorage points. But this weekend it's a multi-coloured bottom with matching stripes down my back!

We'd plotted a little you and me - we kind of knew we both needed the release, the laughter, the endorphins and the re-connection so I was aware something was coming. But I could never have imagined how brilliant it would be.

Home relatively early on a Friday night and you weren't there (due to late running work commitments) but your little hint 'do you want to eat now or after' (After what?!) got my juices flowing. I was full of bravado as normal but that started to wane as I heard you getting the kit bag out, moving the furniture and listened to the clink of steel as I had my shower.

I came downstairs - you'd been busy! A neatly laid out pile of floggers and knives, canes and needles. It was going to be a night to remember that was for sure, and I wasn't wrong.

You secured me in leather cuffs - I hate being restrained. Not because I normally move when you are doing what you do, but because it means I'm usually uncomfortable because my wrists start to hurt or my hands go to sleep. I 100% understand that you wanted to get me in the right mindset but it makes me grumpy as I can't relax. But also I know that I am a little demanding so it was probably the perfect thing for you to do. Naked, restrained in the corner, my back to you. So vulnerable. I hate the way I look at the moment and my back view is probably the best of a bad lot but even so I was rather self conscious. Nails up and down my back, a few strategically placed leather strands of the flogger. "Are you going to be moody?" you said. "No" I snapped back. Not a great start. But you know me, you understand me and you love me. Kisses on my neck and hands around my body, the gentle touch of your mouth on my face. I began to relax.

Then the flogger hit my still healing nipple piercing. OWWWWWWWWW. Not good - just painful. Oh god, I thought, this is going to be hard. Maybe I've forgotten how to be submissive, maybe my tolerance had gone, maybe I wouldn't be able to cope tonight, maybe maybe maybe......Doubt and worry crept it. I hate that. I want a clear head, I want to be able to stand there and take what you want to give and not be a 'do me (but only this way please)' sub.

You unclipped the cuffs. I bent over the sofa. You picked up a cane. And that's when the mood, and my headspace, changed.

God did it hurt. You caned my back - gently, evenly - strokes that massaged rather than hurt. It makes me fall into a deeper plane (plain?), it relaxes me - I love it. Then with a deft flick of the wrist, that beautiful cane suddenly made contact with my bottom. I heard the swish, I felt the heat, then the pain emanating from the point of contact. I shot bolt upright, accusation in my voice "that hurt". "Good" you said in your gentle even tone "now get back in position".

As normal the rest is a little bit of a blur. You caned my arse - again and again and again. Sometimes rhythmically, sometimes striking in a harder, less even way. Some hurt, some stung, some were wonderful. And all the while I could feel myself slipping deeper and deeper into oblivion. Deeper into that mindset that shouts "I love you so much, I want to do all I can to take what you want to give".

You changed from the cane to your nails, raking and raking them down my back. I felt the blood swirl in my head as the pain took over. I suddenly wanted the cane again, just as much as I suddenly want your nails again as soon as you stop. I could feel the heat between my legs, I was dripping wet. And just as I thought about that, you put your hand between my legs. "Oh you complain that it hurts but your body tells it differently doesn't it my baby?" I blushed, but you couldn't see as my head was bent over.

Then you tied my breasts. I hadn't opened my eyes before but now I did to see you and me in the mirror - you smiling and looking so handsome, me looking dishevelled and not entirely with it but wow did my breasts look amazing with your rope around them.

I was back over the sofa again - this time you pulled my hair as you caned me - I thought I would come there and then. I even heard my voice deepen, my breathing become ragged as you pulled my hair and my head back and again and again struck my arse with your cane.

Then a knife - the cold steel against my hot flesh. Then a drink and a kiss. Then a hug. Then the inability to form sentences.

But you weren't finished. I was lying on the table, my tight, hard breasts pushing into the cold wood when I first heard the familiar 'pop' of the needle being pushed out of it's sterile wrapper. I panicked a little, I hate needles, I hate needles, I hate needles was the refrain running through my head. I hate the pain. I really hate needles. I breathed in as the first needled pierced the skin on my back - fire, heat, calm, bliss. It's an incredible feeling. Hot, cold, space. Again and again. Sometimes they went in easily, sometimes they didn't.

And then suddenly you were between my legs, forcing an orgasm out of and then another....there was no resistance. You had worked your magic.

Needles out, breasts untied, blood mopped up. Giggles and inability to hold any kind of train of thought. Your laughing, happy brown eyes. My smile reserved solely for you.

It was quite a night. It was quite a weekend. And as you decided to reopen old wounds by spanking and scratching again and again, it all came flooding back just as I floodingly came.

I love you daddy - always and forever.

xxxxxxxx

cos little people know, what little people know

Les Mis this weekend - a glorious romp through love and death, beauty, dirt and destruction. I cried (like I always do) but then the music is beautiful.

I don't know why but a sixth sense prompted me to look at your IC account and whatdoyaknow - messages to a woman that I knew nothing about. Granted they were fairly tame but giving her your phone number and suggesting she comes and visits (again apparently according to her message 'are you in the same place as last time') made me a little irritated, actually a lot irritated - try hugely pissed off. Oh and it's so classy that she mentions to you 'oh so you are all coupled up now' and 'good to see you have a partner' yet in your messages to her you don't even respond to either of these comments or indeed mention me at all. Classy.

So I challenge you - you get defensive say 'it's nothing' (Gentleman of the court I refer you to posts in March 2010 when 'it's nothing' turned out to be a physical affair) then you apologise and say that you understand how I might feel upset.

It's not rocket science.

a) if you are chatting to a female that I don't know - I will get upset
b) if you are chatting to a female and inviting her to your house and you don't tell me - I will get upset

xxx

PS And this morning they've all been deleted - only those ones to and from 'Sienna' even though you are 'not in the habit of deleting messages' Just out of interest, if it was all so innocent, why the sudden purge on the messages, even the one she hadn't yet read?

The laughter

love is

Wow! Another amazing few days with you and the thing that is sticking in my mind is the laughter that we have. Going out with you on Saturday night to Isis was a giggle from start to finish :-) Laughing as you scratched me, as I paraded my almost naked body in the club, as you spanked me in time to the music and as we listened to CDs on the way home. Laughter and togetherness.

A great night and some fantastic marks this morning - am still in a pink bubble of ready-brek glow to be honest and haven't yet mustered up the courage to get in the shower. Just sitting, stretching and walking is stingy under my clothes. I can feel the ridges of the knife and of your nails on my back. It makes me so proud to carry your marks but most of all I am proud to be out with you, to be by your side. And to laugh with you.

I love you daddy xxxx thank you xxxxx

tracing....

You trace the marks made by you with your strong hands - I quiver

You press harder, forcing a noise from me, as you trace the marks you made earlier

Tracing the scratches, the marks, the knife trails, the bruises

Tracing, pushing, pummelling the outward signs of your love.

It hurts. But it hurts with that all encompassing fantastic brilliance that means it doesn't really hurt. I still whimper. For effect? To remind you that you did it? To encourage you to push harder? To tell you how much it means that you did it to me, that I took it, that I would take anything for you.

Thinking about the last week - spending Christmas with you, the first of many. The first of 'our' Christmases. Wow. Thank you for being patient, loving, caring, supportive and fun. We had a blast. Oh and for Christmas after dinner entertainment you laid me on the dining room table, ran your huge strong hands down my body then put 60 needles in my bottom. Flying. There was blood and pain - fire and ice as always with needles. Some much harder to take than others. I stopped counting at three......The photos are stunning. Oh and you cut me, again and again and again with your knives. "this will give you something to remind you" you chuckled as you pulled the knife across my skin again and again where my bottom meets my thighs.



We laughed, we loved, we hugged, we kissed, we made each other come - me in bucketloads! Changing the sheets every day never felt so good.

NYE - we giggled, we played, we enjoyed. Oh how much did I hate (ADORE / LOVE) being told to bend over in front of people we didn't know so that they could see my bottom. Oh how I squirmed and got hot and bothered by being spanked by a man dressed as a woman that we didn't know. Oh I how I loved being talked about - "you're such a lucky man" "oh she's a bit lippy isn't she" as if I wasn't there. Delicious humiliating brilliance. Owned by you therefore presented to all. Brilliant. I loved it all.

Thank you daddy for everything. I love you xxxxx

Whiskers on kittens....

Knife marks on shoulders and scratch marks on bottoms

Red ribbon wound round the staples so careful

Strong hands and calm voice and caring caresses

These are a few of my favourite things

Needles and saline and sharp pointy ouches

Long canes and floggers and spanks of the handies

These are a few of my favourite things

When the knife cuts
When the pain's bad
When I can't take anymore

I simply melt into the arms of my man
And then I don't feel so bad



New Year's Eve - we had such fun. Rubber dress and foxy fur. Kilt (mmmmm) and gorgeous chuckle. Nails and knifes, floggers and canes. And this morning - ouch as my skin screamed out no more!

I love you daddy forever and thank you for everything xxxxxxxxxxxxxx