Knife to meet you

I love knives. I love your knives actually - rather than just being passionate about Sabatier knives or cook-shops or the like.

But I'm jumping ahead and there's loads to say here 'cos I want to keep it for posterity.

Last week was the worst ever in my life. It felt like every bubble had burst, the magic had been revealed to be pure trickery and the belief I had in us was shaken to its core.

We got through it. With words and tears, with anger and disbelief, with hugs and silence. With you grabbing my hair, slapping my face, looking at me with your amazing brown eyes while holding my face. With lovely lovely sex and an urgency that took me (us?) by surprise. We got through it by understanding the important bits and by really really holding a mirror to us.

I'd rather we didn't go through it again though - ever - but it may have served as the turning point in our relationship. God do I know what I want and that's to be with you forever. Forever by your side.

So we finally got to the weekend that Eve and I had been planning and plotting for a while! I have to admit that I found it hard to muster the necessary enthusiasm and passion on Saturday in the day but I did want to make it happy and successful so threw myself into the preparation.

What an evening! Lots and lots of laughter which is the bedrock of everything we do.

In no particular order:

KNIVES - yayyyyyyyyy. Scratchy, cold, heavy, painful, beautiful, pointy knives. And your chuckle and your smile. And I was away with the fairies.

More knives - this time on someone else, cutting away his clothing in a prepared scene that went awry but also went really well and was a lot of fun. I was actually shaking at the beginning - maybe through nerves, maybe through the importance this scene had for the people involved. It was fun! Still don't think I'm a Domme but what a giggle to help someone else bring their fantasy to life.

Dancing in chains! Cuffed to the ceiling (please don't cut my slinky brand new dress that I hoped you would love) and then tortured with slaps, a flogger, an electric fly swat and your staples. Absolutely brilliant. Fun, humiliating, painful and extraordinarily cathartic.

Your book of photographs. I know you love it, I could tell by the silence and the way the edges of your mouth curled upwards as you looked through our adventures. And I was bursting with pride when you wanted to show your friends. Hopefully we've got time to make many many more albums.

The naughty knicker nicker nonsense that was going on at the end of the night. Pure brilliant comedy and hats off to the lovely lady who was making us all smile.

Sleepy spooning morning - waking up to you and to your hard cock. Can't beat that feeling :-)

The knowledge that however much I wanted to play, you would dictate the pace and the actuality. It frustrates and excites me in equal measure but you were incredible and brilliant. Thank you.

The cold steel of our collar, your collar, my collar around my neck as I type this. So simple, so powerful.

So, we end the week in one piece. Actually better than one piece I think. We are patched up front and back and both sides. We've put in sandbags, we've defeated the onslaught. And we are together! And I couldn't be happier about it.

I love you. I love you. I love you.
I am here for you in whatever guise you need at that time - friend, shoulder, lover, sub, cook, helper, partner, equal. Take your pick - I am all yours.

xxxx

I'm not waving, I'm drowning

The shakes seem to have finally disappeared. Food has finally been eaten.

I'm sitting in your house again having woken up next to you again, the first time I've seen you since all this shit kicked off.

It got surreal last night - one minute not being able to breathe with fear and panic the next laughing with you about the scene and the gossip. I feel sorry for the girl as I think she's been taken in but am worried that that's exactly what you want me to think and actually, it's me that's been taken in.

You have made some changes already - CollarMe being one of them so thank you. I'm watching. Not in an obsessive pyscho bunner boiler way but just quietly and gently so that I can learn to trust again.

I want to record your words for posterity:
I have been a fool
I have been so stupid
I don't deserve you
This has been an almighty smack in the face
I would marry you tomorrow
Everything I need is you
I love you
I am kicking myself
I am devastated



Read those words back - and again and again. Remember how bad the hurt has felt over the last three days and magnify it by a million because that's how I've felt.

It will never happen again. You must not lie to me, you must communicate with me. There will be no next time. I will walk.

x

Nothing

Nothingness. Blank space and nothingness.

You lied, I found out. But you compounded that lie - you built another lie on top of it and even when I begged you to tell me the truth you still lied.

I chatted to Julia last night - she seems nice, someone I could have been friends with which makes what you did even more stupid doesn't it?

She called you a lying devious shit and a bastard on more than one occasion by the way - seems my surprise at finding out about her was mirrored by her finding out about me. She thought you were single. You clearly helped her think this by not mentioning your 'perfect, natural, incredible' relationship didn't you?

And you did meet up last year and I know what you did and when you did it. So your early statements when I caught you out about her weren't the truth either were there?

I will never trust you again. I don't know who you are and I don't know why you did it. I know that I am hurting and that you have made this happen. "I may hurt you but I will never harm you" - those words ring hollow now don't they?

Everything

I have just read through my blog from the first time I met you through to today.

We have done so much together. We don't play as much, for as long, or with as much intensity as we used to. I miss that.

You don't ask me about my desires as much as you used to - you don't probe and make me squirm, make me tell you things. I miss that.

We still haven't done all the things you have talked about - those things that usually start with you saying 'I can picture you....' but I'm used to you building up ideas in my head and then never following through so I don't miss that.

I seem to have missed everything.

x

So what does D/s mean to you?

To me it means

Discussion and sense
Decisions and shared plans, hopes and dreams
Discourse and sex
Deviance and security

It doesn't mean
Deception and subterfuge

I gave you everything and this is how you repay me? You poured your energy into online fantasy while I poured my energy into us. Emotionally it hurts, physically it makes me feel sick.

And last night you appeared not to acknowledge the gravitas of the situation. In effect you belittled my feelings. God that hurts. The one thing you said you would never do to me, ever. And you did it. Along with the secret chats and giggles, the planned meetings, the fantasy stoking - all of that hurts. But to belittle my feelings.

You say it's the toughest lesson you have learned and I hope it is. Because we have lost so much that was good. We have lost so much that had been nurtured, allowed to blossom and develop.

If you had told me - if you had let me in on the chats - if you had allowed me the priviledge of being privy to what has been going on then who knows what might have happened? But instead you sat behind your computer screen filling the heads of numerous women with ideas and descriptions of what you wanted to do.

I was there all the time. I ache to do things with you. Everything. Yet it was easier? more convenient? less hassle? to do it from behind your computer, to shut me out from the plans, plots and laughs.

Thank you so much. I'm no fool and I'm certainly not going to stand by and just shrug my shoulders and say 'oh well, men will be men' Because D/s is based on trust, integrity, respect and honesty. It is the best way to conduct a relationship in the world when it's going well but when it's crumbling into a million specks of nothingness it's also the hardest to comprehend.

We could have had everything, we could have done anything. But you chose this.

black

blackness.

reality.

realisation.

naivety.

innocence.

all shot to pieces. feel stupid and worthless, blind and insecure. used. tormented. mocked.

i never thought I'd say this about you. I feel unprotected, undesired and unloved.

it will take time, we will work this out, we will start again, we will re-build. but it will take time.

i'm gasping for breath but not in a good way, I'm drowning in emotion but not yours (although of your making), I'm choking in disgust and self-loathing, in fear and reality, in insecurity and animosity, in distrust and trepidation.

17 months of bliss. Now shattered and torn apart.

what was real? what was fantasy? what was ours (yours and mine not yours and hers)? what belonged to us and was of our making not fuelling fantasy elsewhere?

i'm angry but more than that I'm disappointed. pedestals of ice - easily melted in the heat of desire. I should heed my own words - don't cry over someone that makes you cry.

ps it isn't about changing passwords, being discreet, creeping around. it's about being fucking honest.

Making love

You've said it a couple of times since we've been together.

I've never said it.

I've never understood it, let alone said it.

I've never believed it, felt it, understood it or said it.

Until now.

Until you and me.

And on Saturday night, and on the previous few nights, I finally felt a part of 'making love', I finally understood and embraced what it means, how it feels, how it tastes, how it smells. And god is it amazing.

Thank you darling xxxx

This weekend was incredible, amazing, lovely, silly, fun, wicked, naughty, innocent, brilliant.

Every time I'm with you I fall in love with you just a little bit more.

We laughed, we grimaced, we whispered, we hugged, we ate, we watched, we enjoyed. Above all we enjoyed.

The montage/collage:
Me wearing your collar -phwoooooar the way you say those words
Corsets for dinner
Watching the sea together
Starbucks away from the cold
The shower
The stockings
The innocuous/inconspicuous/inconsequential black thing - wooooooah!
The way you smell, the way you walk, the way you look after me
Breakfast
Togetherness
Inka tattoos - the nervousness, the banter, AWESOME, the silence, the strangeness, the fear, the pleasure, the result
The car wash, the giggles, the viaduct, the recording studio
The drunken passes, the embarrassment, the uncertainty, the lust (!) the enjoyment
The sea (again)
The pain, the nurofen, the lack of sleep, the worry, the despair, the desire to take it all away from you

And always - me and you. us. our love, our pleasure, our enjoyment.

You make love to me in the way you look at me, the way you worry about me, the way you touch me, hold me, enjoy me.

I can't put into words how much I love you (but I can try :-D)

I love you daddy xxxxx

Thank you for everything xxxx