The longest journey begins with a single step

So - where do I start?

I was chatted up in September, I was flirted with, chased mercilessly by a very unsuitable boy. Very sexy but highly dangerous (married, in my sphere of work, naughty as hell). I succumbed. I'm a sucker for a bit of attention.

But through the succumbing I found out that he was sub. Very, totally, absolutely sub. Needed to be tied up, needed sensory deprivation, needed things doing to him to get him off. Actually, now I'm a tiny bit wiser I realise he is a bottom, not really a sub. And he's a pleasure seeker. But at the beginning he said to me "I want to be your slave". I realised I needed to research more - I started out by just looking at equipment online which in turn led me to Informed Consent, a fantastic website with the most incredible number of weird and wonderful kinksters and one which I look at 10 times a day. And the webboards are amazing too. God I have learned (well - read) so much!

So I posted a profile and in doing so, as I was writing the briefest of descriptions of how my "current lover" wanted me and someone else to dominate him totally, it all started clicking into place. The only reason that I was enjoying planning being a Domme to my "slave" was because of the research that was going into it - not to do with the actuality of the event. I just went through the motions when we were playing together because, to be honest, I was thinking "I want to be there, I want to be wrapped in leather, in care and devotion."

My profile attracted attention. People wanting to talk to me. I stutteringly started a few MSN conversations feeling so out of my depth, so out of touch with this new lifestyle. But one thing stood out for me - the more I chatted, the more I realised that my acute feelings of needing to please, of wanting to make people happy, of worrying about other people's feelings, of needing contact/attention/input were all manifestations of actually being submissive. At this point I was not clear on labels or on lexicon but things were beginning to shift into place. Slowly, gently, one step at a time.

And then I met the most amazing guy. Who I will love forever for introducing me to this amazing lifestyle and who, as my first Dom, could not have been more fun. But that's the next entry.