just heaven....in fantasy form!

http://www.yuvutu.com/modules.php?name=Video&op=view&video_id=570446

Waisted youth

Why did I not appreciate it? A few years ago I was all flat tummied, wide hipped, hour-glassed figured.

There is a photo of me aged about 15, totally with a figure to die for. But I hated being a girl then and hid away under polo shirts and boys jeans.

I remember every night lying on my tummy in the bath and enjoying the feel of cold enamel on my hip bones. I really have to push now to get my hip bones to touch.

I look at my tummy every time I pull my pants up after going to the loo (v large mirror in front of me) and wonder where it all went wrong?

I remember stripping in front of a potential boyfriend a few months after giving birth, hurriedly explaining "I've just had a baby" in case he judged the less than perfect appearance. Of course, by that point, any man is usually too excited to be about to do the deed to notice a love handle or two.

I know I could do something about my diminishing figure and in fact, I need to do something, as the closer you get to 40 apparently the harder it gets. Losing weight that is - not the figure.

And then. And then. Standing in front of my man, naked but my collar, eyes cast down, his wide smooth hands touching my flesh. I've never felt sexier. I've never felt more desired and adored.

Dressed as a slut, skirt pushed up to my waist, bottom on display in a club. I've never felt sexier. I've never felt so wanted.

It's a hard furrow to plough. To be happy as a female. To be happy in clothes, out of clothes, in conversation and in an embrace. To not worry that as he traces my side with a sharp knife he isn't thinking 'oooh, that's a bump I didn't expect to be there' or 'I wish she'd have more of a waist so I could put my hands around and bend her over'

Be happy in your skin they say. And for the most part I am - actually that's not true. When I'm with him, naked, alert and aroused, I'm happy as I have ever been. But the mundanity of real life - that's when it hits home. I had a wasted youth and now I'm paying for it.

That moment...

Was it when you grabbed me, great handfuls of tender flesh and squeezed?

Was it when you scratched me until I bled, you tore at my skin and I ached for more?

Was it when you forced me to overcome sensitivity and come for you?

Or was it when you tied my breasts?

Yes all of the above, but the moment that I keep remembering was the look in your eyes and the look in my eyes as you held me and told me to look in the mirror. Utter devotion, love and care. Lust, enjoyment, pleasure. Proud.

I love you so much xxxx

So i'm clearly in smitten mode at the moment...

apologies to those who like my posts with added gore, blood and sharp pointy things (just look away now)

Actually this is an ode to a friend who possibly turned out just to be a 'reason' friend after all. thanks for the good times



People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

— Unknown

like a night in the forest

:-)

you really do fill up my senses daddy, and you hold and love me like no-one else ever has.

we've had a busy week....actually a busy October as the income can testify. and we've had tears and heartbreak. but more recently we've had cuffs and orgasms, closeness and hugs. I know what I prefer.

I love you now and always. I am so looking forward to next year - new house, new us, the beginning of the rest of our lives.

thank you daddy xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Love: re-defined

I decided today (while in the car for five hours) that what we have is love: re-defined

Love = care, lust, kindness, consideration and compatibility

Our love = care, lust, kindness, consideration, compatibility, trust, desire, fantasy, devotion, intensity, fantasy, connection, taboo, secrecy, beauty, blood, soul, need, mind, body, ownership, submission, control, respect and total utter openness.

Oh! Wonder which kind of love I fancy being involved with :-)


I love you daddy xxxx forever xxxx yours xxxx

Love shines through

You are beautiful within
You are beautiful without
There's no reason for your mind to
Be consumed by senseless doubt.

There are times we will rememeber
There are nights we won't forget
If we value every moment
We will never feel regret.

And everything you do
Your love shines through

Love
Love
Love shines through

You have wisdom of exemption
You are gentle like a child
You will always be protected
You will never lose your smile.
There are friend who will remain
Within our thoughts throughout our lives
There are ties that can't be broken
There are bonds that cannot die.

And everything you do
Your love shines through

Love
Love
Love shines through


xxxx

We had joy, we had fun, we had seasons in the sun...

Goodbye, Papa, please pray for me,
I was the black sheep of the family.
You tried to teach me right from wrong.
Too much wine and too much song,
wonder how I get along.


And that is where it ended.





But it didn't.

I had made up my mind - I really had. I was not happy (all the time), I saw fault in shape and size, in form and function. "I could do better' We said good-bye, I told my friends, there was much bonfire burning online. There were tears and hurt but resolution.

Then there was doubt. Then there was insanity.

I felt trapped by my inability to make a decision, by my so-called friends and their "he's this....he'll never change...you weren't happy...look how much you are missing out on..." style of support.

I had voices in my head that screamed at me day and night. I thought I was losing my mind. I cried I shook I couldn't concentrate on anything. If this was happiness at my decision then WTF would sadness have felt like.

Then one friend, one new and intelligent friend, cried with me and said "OMG you are perfect together - what have you done?"



A relationship like ours is, by its very nature, intense. The mental connection when it works, as ours did, is so strong and so binding that I was prepared to feel lost and little when it went. What I wasn't prepared for was the mental challenge of understanding my decision and being understanding of other's motives. I wasn't prepared when I realised that my troubles and my anxieties were able to be discussed and hopefully resolved with little more than a conversation over dinner.

Yes - there are challenges in our relationship that come with a 19 year age gap and the difference between a giant 6ft2bear and a wide but little 5ft6girly. There are differences because I seem to have an ability to see the glass half empty and you see it half full. I listened to those pernicious little voices that were oh so supportive but hid their own agenda - 'go on, be single, see the fun we would have, oh I know some nice blokes who'd be up for some fun...' Can you imagine the damage that would have occurred? I need very careful handling to get the best out of me - you know that inside out - others don't and I am easily led.


I need you.



We need to get over this (again....god I sound like a stuck record) Things worth keeping are worth fighting for and other trite little sayings.


Throughout you haven't wavered in your belief that what we have is utterly special, that our love is genuine deep and fulfilling. You have cried and been despairing, you have been gentle and persuasive, you have been excited and in planning mode. I've fallen apart but I know that you will be able to put me back together - because that is what I need.


I love you daddy xxxx now and forever xxxx

PS Thank you for everything

Ingredients

So what makes the perfect mix? For a relationship? For a party? For a conversation? For a laugh?

I know and I've got it :-D!

It's a carefully mixed set of parameters - love, respect, a sense of fun, an open-mind, a carefree approach and lots of chocolate cake. For my birthday, my dear daddy and my dear friends put together such a good night.

We had (in no particular order):

Me in a latex dress for the first time - whoooop!
Stunning display of fire whipping

40 needles and a lovely red ribbon
Blood

'His' carved into my backside

A PVC red catsuit and a short new hair-cut
My sister, her girlfriend, my very vanilla but totally liberated neighbour, lots of kinksters
Whips on my bottom and between my legs
Flogger - hard and soft, thumping and caressing
A cane - gentle persistence then, with a flick of the wrist, a more stinging blow
Knives - shiver. Lovely gorgeous cold steel held by a deft hand, the other keeping a calming presence on the back of my head
The shakes
A high like a haven't had for such a long time! Unable to focus, unable to hold a conversation - just an utterly blissful floating and out of body experience that lasted until we got to bed at 3am
Take That in the car
Naked men, a t-girl, rope, smiles, laughter, questions, grins, hand-holding, chuckles

And love. Love love love love love. Deep, knee trembling, tummy wriggling love.

Wow.

I love you daddy and thank you for giving me so much xxxxxxxx

How deep is your love?

Secret smile

The smile that I carry inside when I think about you but also the one that only comes out when you and I are deeply, intensely together. The smile that says "I am yours, you understand me, you own me, you hold me, you get me"


And who would have thought that the laying of a carpet from Tunisia would have so much significance :-)

I love you. Thank you for a gently loving birthday evening with a promise of more to come.

xxxx

Gut-wrenching realisation.....

......that I have to follow my heart, my gut instinct with you and me. And that instinct is saying WOWWWW. This is amazing and incredible and lovely and brilliant.

Another fanbrilliantamazing weekend with my daddy.

There was sex (and lots of it - wet, hot, lustful, eyes closed, eyes open, fingers, tongues and orgasms)

There was a trip to B&Q and an ice-cream because "you've been a good girl"

There was dressing up and showing too much flesh and going out to a club night with you and with dear dear friends. There was pain and pleasure, nails raking up and down my back, the thought that I was going to pass out with the agony. There were knives, the chink of stainless steel on stainless steel as it touched my collar, your collar, the collar that I wore nearly 24/7 for a whole week and which made me so proud to be yours.

There was the police officer and comments of "interesting attire sir" as you were asked to step out of the car in your kilt and large boots! And there was me desperately trying to appear anonymous as I sat in the passenger seat wearing the smallest of cardigans, an incredibly short skirt and little else.

There was the monkey bath this morning as each scratch, scrape. graze and gouge shouted out as the hot water hit them.

There were the 'uber-doms' with their leather waiscoats and floggers hanging off belt loops.

There was love. So much love. And kindness and gentleness and understanding and care. And washing each other, and eating together, and enjoying a barbecue in the rain.

There were plans - big huge concrete future plans for us for the rest of our lives.

Above all there was you - tall and gorgeous, strong and loving, funny and relaxed. A chuckle, a wink, a hand-hold, a hug.

Thank you my daddy for showing me (as ever) to go with what feels good and to enjoy what we have because it's brilliant.

I love you xxxx

I thought I could....

I thought I could.....
just for once feel at peace with the world

I thought I could....
have a laugh and check out your facebook page

I thought I could...
trust you

I thought I could...
cope with the 'truth' that hangs between us

I thought I could...
just have a little peek to see what you were up to

I thought I could....
cope with reading you call someone 'heavenly creature' and tell someone else 'you wish you were closer' and that 'they suck beautifully'

I thought I could...
get over the betrayal that you continue to show

I thought I could...
get over my 'issues' that seem to invade my thoughts about 'compromise' and 'limiting' and 'settling'

I thought I could...
understand that what we had was individual, EXCLUSIVE, important

I thought I could...
block it all out and not care

BUT I DO

Why should I narrow my expectations, my hopes and my desires for someone who still appears not to be able to tell the truth, to communicate, to be appreciative of what he has?

I thought I could...
but clearly YOU can't

Bolted. Firm

I sit in the garden looking at the shiny new bolt on my back gate. To most people it signifies keeping something out, being secure, worried about intruders. But to me it shows love, care and affection. It shows deep concern for my well-being and that of my family. It shows love.

And every minute we spent together this weekend magnified this feeling. Of absolute love, of teamwork, of deep devotion and security.

Again, to the outside world, we are a couple going about our business. But the tenderness of the touch, the look, the chuckle, the grin speaks volumes to those in the know. The glimmer of the sun against the steel collar, the look of radiance against a sun-burnt nose. It all adds up to 'love'.

What a weekend!

Spending time with you - in comedy on Friday night (I felt guilty about the 'f' words but we got over that!) to acceptance by the matriach. Through to dinner, to lust, to being spaced-out and sleeping til 11. To the papers, the skip, the mundanity of shopping together, to bacon sandwiches, a hand on my leg, an unexpected blow-job once lust had been sated. It all spells love. But what a love! What a deep and total understanding and connection.

I feel foolish sometimes for being so 'loved-up', for being so in awe of what we have. Because part of me still worries that there are others in the mix that might be receiving the attention, the spotlight, the cleverness of you. But these are fleeting worries as I lie there in your arms, covered in our desire for each other, grinning about our future.

You tell me that each day you spend with me magnifies your need to spend every day of your future with me and it is an incredible feeling. Because I have cast aside the blueprint and revelled in the enjoyment that comes from being with you.

Again, from the outside, no D/s at all this weekend. A happy, sunny, dinner at a cool restaurant, 'vanilla-ness' encompassed all we did. But deep down, there is an understanding, as you explained so eloquently last night, that I want to make you happy, to 'serve' you, to ensure your needs are met. And deep down, in the darkness of the night, as you spanked my bottom and got hard, as you twisted my nipple and got hard, is an understanding that what you do, what I need and what we have together makes it work so perfectly.

I don't understand why it works but I know it does.

I have never felt like this.

I have never been so happy.

The future beckons and it's beckoning us as a couple.

Thank you daddy for everything - you are my rock, my touch-stone, my lover and my demon. And it's incredible.

I love you xxxxx

It's not cheesy darling ... it's perfect

I told him I loved him, that my life was better, enriched, fulfilled with him.

He responded with a song - thank you darling - it's perfect xx



You fill up my senses
like a night in the forest
like the mountains in springtime,
like a walk in the rain
like a storm in the desert,
like a sleepy blue ocean
you fill up my senses,
come fill me again.

Come let me love you,
let me give my life to you
let me drown in your laughter,
let me die in your arms
let me lay down beside you,
let me always be with you
come let me love you,
come love me again.

You fill up my senses
like a night in the forest
like the mountains in springtime,
like a walk in the rain
like a storm in the desert,
like a sleepy blue ocean
you fill up my senses,
come fill me again.

He thinks......she thinks (or 'the tale of the anticipatory sub')

(I can only vouch for the 'she thinks' and I take no responsibility for the 'he thinks' or blame......)

He thinks....
Aaaah, weekend off. Football on the telly, seeing my girl, no work, bliss


She thinks...
Aaah weekend off, get a wax, make sure my eyebrows look good, plan for the party, think about what to wear, oh bugger the football's on, think more about what to wear, am I looking really fat at the moment, will he fancy me, aaaaaaargh


He thinks...
Oh fab, party at a mates, all sorted for me, my girl's going to be there and so are my friends


She thinks...
Oh fab, party at a mates, I'm quite tired, what is he going to want to do with me, am I going to know anyone, is it going to be fun, what can I bring, should I have helped prepare, what am I going to wear, will he fancy me, will there be others there that he fancies more, are we going to play, am I going to cope if he wants to play as I'm tired, do you think he'll want to play.....


He thinks....
Party - great to see so many friends, where's the Diet Coke and is there enough Nescafe to last the night, oh look there's the girl that wants me to cut her, oh my girl looks fab - no underwear either

She thinks..
AAAAAARGH we're here, do my tits look crap without a bra, are my legs looking horribly fat, oh god everyone else looks much better than me, are we going to play, can I cope with playing, will he humiliate me like he threatened to do outside the shop with the lube and cucumber comment, oh god I hope so

He thinks...
How lovely is this? Old friends, food laid on, oh bugger no Diet Coke

She thinks...
AAAAAARGH he's disappeared and now I feel a bit silly but I'll chat to the people I know and grin and giggle and be the confident girl I know I am (where is he, I miss him, come back daddy, come back)


He thinks....
Right, beverages sorted, my girl's looking lovely, bet she's wet under that pencil skirt and I can clearly see the tops of her hold-ups when she bends down, wish she wouldn't smoke but it's good to see her enjoying herself. Now then, what am I going to do to her tonight?

She thinks....
WHOOOOP he's back. Oh gawd he's back. What is going to happen now?


He thinks...
She'd look better without her clothes on and lying on that bench naked but for her hold-ups. Her bottom on show, her bottom with my marks all over it, my D, my s, our love on show for everyone. Better tell her to get to it....

She thinks....
There's an empty bench and a lull in the conversation. Oh god he's not going to ask me to strip off is he? I'm not wearing any underwear at all. If I take off my shirt and skirt, all that's left is my hold-ups...I'll resist once, twice....never thrice. Okay I'm moving others away from the area 'oh look what's happening over there' before scurrying to take off my clothes and lie down. And breathe. And hold my arms together under my head. Struggling to get comfortable but so so excited about what's to come


He thinks...
Yay, naked girl, my girl, in front of me. I must look in my bag....needles check, staples check, ribbon check, ooooh inflatable dildo

She thinks...
How much does the noise of him rummaging in his kit bag want to make me come?

He thinks..
I'll run a little blade down her back, across her spine, warm her up, make her squirm

She thinks...
oh god I'm going to come...





FAST FORWARD
A few staples (OWWWWWWWW) later, some beautiful ribbon, loads of needles, some giggles, some strokes, some scratches, some kisses, some touches, some spanks, some wriggles, the feeling of wetness between my legs

FLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYING



Stand up you say, whimper I say.

The room is not there, you are the only thing in my eyeline, my consciousness, my reality. I just want to hold you and never let you go. I just want you to hold me and never let me go. I want to be wrapped in your arms forever, breathing you in, enjoying the sensation of being completely high on love on adrenaline on lust and on endorphins.

Blanket, faces, offers of sweet things, you, me, kissing.

Wow what a night xxxxx

He thinks....
She looks good as an England flag

She thinks....
I want to be with him forever




I love you daddy xxxxxx

The moment where it all came together

I realise I've been whingey recently - "I can't do xxxx" "he can't do xxx" "we can't do xxx" "we'll never be able to do xxx"

How boring am I sounding? How utterly focused on the things that might not happen? Well, sorry. Because the things that do happen are beyond any imagination, any 'wildest dreams'. I've thought long and hard about 'other' options and the truth is - there are none. Because to find a man who holds me, who is inside my head, my heart and my desires, who supports, adores and worships me above all others is totally unachievable. Or is he?

Actually I have found my one. Na - he found me! He chased me across the interweb, made sure he was there in times of strife and bore his way into my heart before I'd even had time to blink! But aside from all the 'virtual' 'stuff' that goes on in this lifestyle, it's the reality that is so splendiferously incredible. Yeah - I made that last word up but then I work in communications, in spin, so before long, you'll all be using splendiferously without so much as batting an eyelid :-)

The moment? Well two today actually. When my darling girl announced that 'well, you've kissed him, you might as well marry him' coupled with the same darling girl's frustration that she wouldn't get to spend time with you like I had over the last 24 hours.

Being with you is pure bliss. Being 'with' you is utter bliss. Together in bed, in public, in the street, at the pub. The look, the grin, the hand-hold, the chuckle. The understanding. For that's what it is - the understanding. We talked at length this week about how I have changed, yet I still manage to think that fighting my own personal battles is a time solely for me. But you are always there. Casting a knowledgeable yet wise eye over proceedings - watching me take (dare I say it) faltering steps to my own success. Always. Always. There.

I suspect I will always crave more - more play, more time, more control, more direction, more pervery, more debauchery, more fantasy. More more more more more. However, what we have is more than 'more' - it is real and actual, it is lust and love. It is reality and realisation that I have never ever been happier.

For all my whingeing, for all my "but......" the truth is that as a mentor, as a lover, as my daddy and as my Dom, what we have is so splendiferously incredibly amazingly right that the rest actually becomes fantasy.

Thank you daddy. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for setting this girl (ooooh Gorean or what?!) on the path to utter fulfilment whilst taking her round the houses in terms of sensation, feeling, desire and contentment.

I love you. I love us. I love our future together plans.

Thank you for everything xxxxxxxxx

Dreams, dreams, dreams

It's been a week, a month, a year of dreams. Of dreams come true and of dreams yet to be realised. But this post relates to the nocturnal, sub-conscious variety which have been vivid, and gory, scary, exciting and downright peculiar recently. For posterity (and 'cos I'm a little embarrassed to tell you face-to-face) I thought I'd report them here.

Dream 1 - in which you don't seem to care
There have been various permutations of this one recently. There was the night in the club where I was wearing only a gingham pinny but you were too busy in a locked room with another sub to speak to me so I spent the whole night wandering around. There was the one where I escaped a near drowning when a bus I was on crashed into the sea, only to wander into a full on Gaza Strip style gun fight all the while receiving texts from you saying "well if you are not going to make an effort to find me then f*** you"

Dream 2 - in which I don't seem to care
There have been several of these too but they are not about not caring about you! More about not caring what happens to me. The one where I am chained to a fence, naked bar your collar, wrists above my head, legs spread. And blindfolded. All the time a party is going on and I am ignored for what seems like several hours. Until you and A N Others come and dissect me - not in a cutting sense (calm down daddy :-)) but in a "what price this piece of meat" sense. So I am prodded, you announce that I'm definitely worth the fee and that I'm "pretty good at giving head" and then my thighs and arse are squeezed as if testing for freshness/youth. I always wake up before anything exciting happens in this one......!

The one where I am locked in a cupboard at a party with only a small hole to see through. Everyone is having a brilliant time, lots of play and laughter. Occasionally someone stands near the hole and peers in but basically I am ignored.

The one where I am trussed to a pole, again naked but for your collar and this time I am hooded. Completely depersonalised really. And gagged. I can squirm but that's it. And in this dream, I know I am wet because even in my semi-comatose state I can feel the wetness between my legs, feel myself rubbing my legs together to try to give me some satisfaction. I am poked and hit, held and kissed, flicked and fondled. I can hear you saying "my cunt" to anyone that wanders by but then also saying "but she's such a whore feel free to do what you like" The end of this dream is invariably me collapsing into your arms after a lifetime (night) of debauchery.

Dream 3 - in which I can't believe what is happening
The whore dream. The one that if you look back through these posts, through our texts, conversations and whispered nighttime fantasies, appears the most. I am yours, but you loan me out. You make me suck countless cocks, or service numerous women, or act as a total slut in a lorry-park or give myself to someone you pick out of a crowd. The deepest darkest dream involves you giving me to someone while you stay and stroke my hair, telling me how proud you are of me but what a disgusting slut I have become. This one ends always with me coming in my sleep.




xxxx

Whipped into shape

It's been such an incredible rollercoaster of a two weeks. Immense highs, some lows, some stress, some crossness, some incredible connection and lots and lots of communication.

I want to start by saying that when I am lying in your arms, the bed soaked through because of what you do to me, my skin tingling because of your hands, my head spinning because of your words - there is nothing wrong with the world at all. Connection magnified through every nerve and neurone, pleasure coursing through my body and my head, my face alive with the joy of being with you. Your smell, your feel, your taste, your words, your touch, your breath, your presence. Incredible.

We played! Oh and we played again!

First there was the "I'm going to cut you" evening. And you did. You re-carved our 'D' and our 'D' in a heart. And you added another D + S for good measure. And you used your knives, your nails and your hands. Oh your hands.......I haven't floated away like that for such a long time darling.




And then we went away to a hot, strange place and it was fantastic. And I only wish it could have been longer because travel is my thing and I haven't done enough recently (well not for fun anyway). I was so looking forward to being away with you. For the most part it really was great - the walk along the beach on day one, the time by the pool on day three, the trip to Dubai. Other parts I struggled with. It seemed the physical/age chasm reared its ugly head rather more than I had been prepared to believe. I felt frustrated that we wouldn't be able to do things rather than revelling in those things we could do. So I got sarcastic and snippy, rude, distant and aloof. I hate the way I do that, and I particularly hate the way I did that to you. To you who is my rock, the man who cares and adores for me so much that it makes me cry. The man who worked so hard so that we could enjoy this time away together. I was bratty, a 'pain in the arse' and I wish I could re-live the days again but with a better attitude. I'm so sorry daddy for letting you down.


We came home. We went to work. We re-connected. Last night, wearing just my collar, curled up in the middle of the bed blindfolded waiting.....just waiting......

You got out the whip. It whooshed through the air, it landed on my bare, unprepared skin. It tingled, it tickled, then it hurt. Across my back, across my bottom, the tops of my thighs. It stung and bit me. It wasn't a regular pattern either - I couldn't get into it. I couldn't get away from it.

Then you had me pinned down, your body weight across my stretched out body. And you went to work. Spank, spank, smack, spank, scratch, smack, spank. Again and again and again. I could feel the wetness, the way my body instantly responds to your touch, from the moment I lay down on the bed. I moaned like a whore as you felt me, as you pushed your fingers inside me only to retract as quickly as you had entered. I ached all over for you to touch me but again you punished my bottom saying "tomorrow I want you to feel this, to remember what I am doing to you" I can't remember what else you said but I remember vividly how it felt as you finally pushed me to orgasm.

Still blindfolded I was allowed to suck your cock. It's been ages and it tasted so good felt so perfect. Taking you completely into my throat, making myself gag because I know you love it. You filled my head with "you need to find a girly who could be licking you right now" and "you need to find a girly who will help you suck daddy's cock" And I didn't say a word because I was so ashamed how horny that made me.

You seemed pleased with the result!

We kissed, we held each other, so deeply entwined that I couldn't work out where one ended and the other began. Your smile, your hands, the pain as you twisted my nipple so hard. When you left me, under the duvet, I was still dripping wet but I couldn't move because of the pleasure you had created.

All day today has been a haze of happiness. A pink fluffy glow of knowing that what we have is so incredible that the bits we 'don't have' seem so unimportant. A lifetime of firsts you have afforded me in just 18 months. It is an awe-inspiring feat. I'm alive, I'm in love, I'm loved, I'm wanted and desired, I'm making you proud.

The parts that were wrong - it was my mindset that was wrong. The parts that are SO right - it is our mindset that makes them that way.

Thank you daddy for everything and most of all for holding me tight and not letting me go.

I love you xxxx forever xxxxxx

You...

....take my pain don't you?

...are my cunt aren't you?

....are so wet aren't you?

...are mine.


xxxx

Just pure joy xxx

she made me daddy, really, she made me!







What are you thinking Evie Weevie?!!!

My

bruises are fading daddy ... but the memories live on. And boy do I want to recreate and make new ones. Again and again and again.

I love you xxxx

desperation

When the rain is blowing in your face,
and the whole world is on your case,
I could offer you a warm embrace
to make you feel my love.

When the evening shadows and the stars appear,
and there is no one there to dry your tears,
I could hold you for a million years
to make you feel my love.

I know you haven't made your mind up yet,
but I would never do you wrong.
I've known it from the moment that we met,
no doubt in my mind where you belong.

I'd go hungry; I'd go black and blue,
I'd go crawling down the avenue.
No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do
to make you feel my love.

The storms are raging on the rolling sea
and on the highway of regret.
Though winds of change are throwing wild and free,
you ain't seen nothing like me yet.

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true.
Nothing that I wouldn't do.
Go to the ends of the Earth for you,
to make you feel my love

xxxxxx

Am I the luckiest girl in the world?

I fink so xxx

There's something so naughty....

.....and so satisfying about being at work all day, working hard and dilligently and all the time knowing that my bottom is one large beautiful purple bruise. Tingly happiness xxx

Love is

being caned by Daddy
whimpering 'like a dolphin' (apparently)
being plugged really full with an innocuous inflatable black thing that feels like a rock when it's inside
coming so hard, so much, once the aforementioned black thing is removed
knives, knives, knives
"good girl"
"you need this don't you?"
"oh look how wet you are"
"my dirty cunt, my filthy whore"

xxxx

Love is....



24 hours later reflecting on the meaning of love. And reflecting on bruises (yum) and reflecting on how to take a photo of my own arse.

Knife to meet you

I love knives. I love your knives actually - rather than just being passionate about Sabatier knives or cook-shops or the like.

But I'm jumping ahead and there's loads to say here 'cos I want to keep it for posterity.

Last week was the worst ever in my life. It felt like every bubble had burst, the magic had been revealed to be pure trickery and the belief I had in us was shaken to its core.

We got through it. With words and tears, with anger and disbelief, with hugs and silence. With you grabbing my hair, slapping my face, looking at me with your amazing brown eyes while holding my face. With lovely lovely sex and an urgency that took me (us?) by surprise. We got through it by understanding the important bits and by really really holding a mirror to us.

I'd rather we didn't go through it again though - ever - but it may have served as the turning point in our relationship. God do I know what I want and that's to be with you forever. Forever by your side.

So we finally got to the weekend that Eve and I had been planning and plotting for a while! I have to admit that I found it hard to muster the necessary enthusiasm and passion on Saturday in the day but I did want to make it happy and successful so threw myself into the preparation.

What an evening! Lots and lots of laughter which is the bedrock of everything we do.

In no particular order:

KNIVES - yayyyyyyyyy. Scratchy, cold, heavy, painful, beautiful, pointy knives. And your chuckle and your smile. And I was away with the fairies.

More knives - this time on someone else, cutting away his clothing in a prepared scene that went awry but also went really well and was a lot of fun. I was actually shaking at the beginning - maybe through nerves, maybe through the importance this scene had for the people involved. It was fun! Still don't think I'm a Domme but what a giggle to help someone else bring their fantasy to life.

Dancing in chains! Cuffed to the ceiling (please don't cut my slinky brand new dress that I hoped you would love) and then tortured with slaps, a flogger, an electric fly swat and your staples. Absolutely brilliant. Fun, humiliating, painful and extraordinarily cathartic.

Your book of photographs. I know you love it, I could tell by the silence and the way the edges of your mouth curled upwards as you looked through our adventures. And I was bursting with pride when you wanted to show your friends. Hopefully we've got time to make many many more albums.

The naughty knicker nicker nonsense that was going on at the end of the night. Pure brilliant comedy and hats off to the lovely lady who was making us all smile.

Sleepy spooning morning - waking up to you and to your hard cock. Can't beat that feeling :-)

The knowledge that however much I wanted to play, you would dictate the pace and the actuality. It frustrates and excites me in equal measure but you were incredible and brilliant. Thank you.

The cold steel of our collar, your collar, my collar around my neck as I type this. So simple, so powerful.

So, we end the week in one piece. Actually better than one piece I think. We are patched up front and back and both sides. We've put in sandbags, we've defeated the onslaught. And we are together! And I couldn't be happier about it.

I love you. I love you. I love you.
I am here for you in whatever guise you need at that time - friend, shoulder, lover, sub, cook, helper, partner, equal. Take your pick - I am all yours.

xxxx

I'm not waving, I'm drowning

The shakes seem to have finally disappeared. Food has finally been eaten.

I'm sitting in your house again having woken up next to you again, the first time I've seen you since all this shit kicked off.

It got surreal last night - one minute not being able to breathe with fear and panic the next laughing with you about the scene and the gossip. I feel sorry for the girl as I think she's been taken in but am worried that that's exactly what you want me to think and actually, it's me that's been taken in.

You have made some changes already - CollarMe being one of them so thank you. I'm watching. Not in an obsessive pyscho bunner boiler way but just quietly and gently so that I can learn to trust again.

I want to record your words for posterity:
I have been a fool
I have been so stupid
I don't deserve you
This has been an almighty smack in the face
I would marry you tomorrow
Everything I need is you
I love you
I am kicking myself
I am devastated



Read those words back - and again and again. Remember how bad the hurt has felt over the last three days and magnify it by a million because that's how I've felt.

It will never happen again. You must not lie to me, you must communicate with me. There will be no next time. I will walk.

x

Nothing

Nothingness. Blank space and nothingness.

You lied, I found out. But you compounded that lie - you built another lie on top of it and even when I begged you to tell me the truth you still lied.

I chatted to Julia last night - she seems nice, someone I could have been friends with which makes what you did even more stupid doesn't it?

She called you a lying devious shit and a bastard on more than one occasion by the way - seems my surprise at finding out about her was mirrored by her finding out about me. She thought you were single. You clearly helped her think this by not mentioning your 'perfect, natural, incredible' relationship didn't you?

And you did meet up last year and I know what you did and when you did it. So your early statements when I caught you out about her weren't the truth either were there?

I will never trust you again. I don't know who you are and I don't know why you did it. I know that I am hurting and that you have made this happen. "I may hurt you but I will never harm you" - those words ring hollow now don't they?

Everything

I have just read through my blog from the first time I met you through to today.

We have done so much together. We don't play as much, for as long, or with as much intensity as we used to. I miss that.

You don't ask me about my desires as much as you used to - you don't probe and make me squirm, make me tell you things. I miss that.

We still haven't done all the things you have talked about - those things that usually start with you saying 'I can picture you....' but I'm used to you building up ideas in my head and then never following through so I don't miss that.

I seem to have missed everything.

x

So what does D/s mean to you?

To me it means

Discussion and sense
Decisions and shared plans, hopes and dreams
Discourse and sex
Deviance and security

It doesn't mean
Deception and subterfuge

I gave you everything and this is how you repay me? You poured your energy into online fantasy while I poured my energy into us. Emotionally it hurts, physically it makes me feel sick.

And last night you appeared not to acknowledge the gravitas of the situation. In effect you belittled my feelings. God that hurts. The one thing you said you would never do to me, ever. And you did it. Along with the secret chats and giggles, the planned meetings, the fantasy stoking - all of that hurts. But to belittle my feelings.

You say it's the toughest lesson you have learned and I hope it is. Because we have lost so much that was good. We have lost so much that had been nurtured, allowed to blossom and develop.

If you had told me - if you had let me in on the chats - if you had allowed me the priviledge of being privy to what has been going on then who knows what might have happened? But instead you sat behind your computer screen filling the heads of numerous women with ideas and descriptions of what you wanted to do.

I was there all the time. I ache to do things with you. Everything. Yet it was easier? more convenient? less hassle? to do it from behind your computer, to shut me out from the plans, plots and laughs.

Thank you so much. I'm no fool and I'm certainly not going to stand by and just shrug my shoulders and say 'oh well, men will be men' Because D/s is based on trust, integrity, respect and honesty. It is the best way to conduct a relationship in the world when it's going well but when it's crumbling into a million specks of nothingness it's also the hardest to comprehend.

We could have had everything, we could have done anything. But you chose this.

black

blackness.

reality.

realisation.

naivety.

innocence.

all shot to pieces. feel stupid and worthless, blind and insecure. used. tormented. mocked.

i never thought I'd say this about you. I feel unprotected, undesired and unloved.

it will take time, we will work this out, we will start again, we will re-build. but it will take time.

i'm gasping for breath but not in a good way, I'm drowning in emotion but not yours (although of your making), I'm choking in disgust and self-loathing, in fear and reality, in insecurity and animosity, in distrust and trepidation.

17 months of bliss. Now shattered and torn apart.

what was real? what was fantasy? what was ours (yours and mine not yours and hers)? what belonged to us and was of our making not fuelling fantasy elsewhere?

i'm angry but more than that I'm disappointed. pedestals of ice - easily melted in the heat of desire. I should heed my own words - don't cry over someone that makes you cry.

ps it isn't about changing passwords, being discreet, creeping around. it's about being fucking honest.

Making love

You've said it a couple of times since we've been together.

I've never said it.

I've never understood it, let alone said it.

I've never believed it, felt it, understood it or said it.

Until now.

Until you and me.

And on Saturday night, and on the previous few nights, I finally felt a part of 'making love', I finally understood and embraced what it means, how it feels, how it tastes, how it smells. And god is it amazing.

Thank you darling xxxx

This weekend was incredible, amazing, lovely, silly, fun, wicked, naughty, innocent, brilliant.

Every time I'm with you I fall in love with you just a little bit more.

We laughed, we grimaced, we whispered, we hugged, we ate, we watched, we enjoyed. Above all we enjoyed.

The montage/collage:
Me wearing your collar -phwoooooar the way you say those words
Corsets for dinner
Watching the sea together
Starbucks away from the cold
The shower
The stockings
The innocuous/inconspicuous/inconsequential black thing - wooooooah!
The way you smell, the way you walk, the way you look after me
Breakfast
Togetherness
Inka tattoos - the nervousness, the banter, AWESOME, the silence, the strangeness, the fear, the pleasure, the result
The car wash, the giggles, the viaduct, the recording studio
The drunken passes, the embarrassment, the uncertainty, the lust (!) the enjoyment
The sea (again)
The pain, the nurofen, the lack of sleep, the worry, the despair, the desire to take it all away from you

And always - me and you. us. our love, our pleasure, our enjoyment.

You make love to me in the way you look at me, the way you worry about me, the way you touch me, hold me, enjoy me.

I can't put into words how much I love you (but I can try :-D)

I love you daddy xxxxx

Thank you for everything xxxx

All you did

all you did was stroke my face

and then you held my cheek and kissed my mouth and grasped my hair

and then you held me close and made you yours and held my throat, and covered my mouth and kissed me so deeply I thought I was going to suffocate with pleasure.

all you did is everything that I want.

thank you daddy - I love you so much xxx

Three little words

Three little words.
Words that mean so much - that have power even when whispered, that have strength even when written.
Three little words.

Close your eyes.

Open your legs.

My baby girl.

Keep very still.

Do not move.

Cum for daddy.

Open your mouth.

I understand you.

I need you.

I trust you.

I love you.
I love you.
I love you.

The Twelve Days of Christmas

On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me:
A night out in Birmingham! With needles through my nipples, a fantastic staple corset on both arms, a double flogging session with you and the evil one, some knives, lots and lots of giggles, wearing my collar in public, ice cubes in inappropriate places, the first outing of the sparkly red shoes and a fantastic orgasm that I helped with the next morning. Oh and snow! Lots and lots of snow. Wow what a first day.

On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me:
Support, love, care, a shoulder, an ear - just unconditional love

On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me:
An amazing patent leather pink handbag that I had coveted, mentioned once and then relegated to the distant "I'll never be able to afford that" shelf in my brain. Wow again!

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me:
Some fantastic presents that made my little girl grin from ear to ear. And more love.

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me:
The services of an electrician, a handyman, a 'man with a van', a Sky installer, a TV installer. You couldn't pay for all the help - thank you.

On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me:
A very wet, very embarrassingly wet, orgasm or rather, several. And one for you too - with proper deep breathing, and full body shakes and reaffirmation of just how connected we are :-)

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me:
A lift to a Boxing Day with a difference! And the biggest belly laughs (charades and the sheep apron/mask combo!) And hugs.

On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me:
44 needles carefully placed in battle formation across my back and across my bottom. Double-dipped needles. Painful scratchy fire and ice needles that never settled into a pattern. Pain, continuing pain again and again and again. But always 'good girl' and 'you are doing so well'. I tried to concentrate on gripping the bed-sheet, on listening to my breathing, on the silence of the room, on anything other than what you were doing.




PS I know I need to lose weight :-(

On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me:
Absolute mind-blowing spaced-out-ness following the needles. And wet, wet orgasms. And a deep contented happy totally fulfilled sleep.

On the tenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me:
A day off to just be 'a single girl' again - shopping, mooching, enjoying, friends, relaxing.

On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me:
The best Chinese in the world ever. And a chance to wear my new dress, my new shoes and to dress up for you. Heels, hold-ups, push-up - all in black. Perfect?

On the twelth day of Christmas my true love gave to me:
The best present in the world? His mark on my skin - first with flame, then with blade. A D burned into my flesh in an instant. Then a heart encircling a D cut in with deft strokes of the scalpel. And actually the best present in the world - your love, your attention, your support and care and concern and understanding and devotion.


WOW.

Nothing can top this last few days. I've missed so many highlights - charades - you doing 'sadomasochism' and B doing 'gobbling'. The BBB and the shrieks from me, the laughter from you. The Chinese with me in full tart attire. Your brilliance with B. The feeling of orgasming around your cock - I could never tire of that. Your hands on my face. Your expression when you opened the present I had thought so much about and just knew you'd adore. The look of pride and love in your face as I got dressed last night. The chuckle when I kept the cotton wool containing the imprint of your cut. The incredible flowers. The fantastic baths - me bathing you, me washing your hair and massaging your feet, you soothing my needle-marked back with warm water.


Too much to write about but never too much to remember.

Thank you for you.

I love you daddy.



xxxxxxxxxxxx